Happy new year!

I came across this Facebook memory from last year:

2014 was a roller coaster. It started out great! I was happy, healthy, and pregnant with the baby that would complete my family. Everything was going exactly how I planned. Life was perfect. And then July 12th came...the worst day of my life. It's frightening how one day, one event, can change every part of who you are for the rest of your life. Shortly after that Tyler got a new job that has been the biggest blessing we could've asked for and other parts of our life are starting to look up. I am entering 2015 with HOPE, faith, and lots of prayer.

It really got me thinking...reflecting on how I felt last year and how things are very different now.

This time last year I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Jaxon. I had known for a few weeks and I wasn't telling anyone (other than my husband of course.) I was terrified. We had wanted this baby and had been trying to conceive. I had had a chemical pregnancy in late September and so I was preparing myself for a miscarriage. I was not excited. 

Now don't get me wrong, I was happy. I felt blessed. I was grateful. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. But "excited" is not a word I would use to describe my feelings about that pregnancy. Scared, worried, anxious, uncertain, guarded, protective...those words more accurately describe what I was feeling.

When I put myself back in that hazy, lonely place of grief, I am astounded on how far I have come. I am no longer living in a fog. I have learned how to manage my grief. I have been able to turn my loss into something positive. I have grown as a Christian, as a mother, as a wife. 

Our family has grown this year to include the sweetest little bundle of joy wrapped up inside the most handsome little package! Jaxon has brought our family so much happiness. He is the perfect addition to our household. We are all thoroughly enjoying watching him grow each day. 

Although 2015 began on shaky ground, I think that I'm starting 2016 with a firm stance. I am stronger, happier, and blessed. My heart is full. I will never go a single day without thinking of my precious Daisy but I know how richly the lord has blessed me and I praise Him for those blessings.

I am excited about 2016! I am ready for whatever it has to throw me. I am making family my absolute number one priority and nothing will come before them. I look forward to hugs and kisses, laughter and tears. Happy new year to you all! But remember it will only be as happy as you allow it to be. 

Psalm 28:7, NLT The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

mom of the year?

I want to be the most involved mom ever. I want to be at every award ceremony, every play, every game. I want to make the cutest little Pinterest snack at the Christmas party. I want to bake fresh cookies. I want to see my daughters eyes light up when I come into her classroom.  I want to volunteer at her school. I want to do it all! But I can't. The sacrifices of a working mom are huge. I am really struggling with that right now. Ella has her first Christmas program andChristmas party next Friday. I am so excited for her! I am going to try my best to be at her program but there is no way I can be at her party too because it's a teacher work day at my school. My husband tells me, "You can't do it all," but I can't help wanting to. It frustrates me to know that many parents don't care to do these things. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not for everyone. But it IS for me! I love things like that. A group text was sent out about Ella's Christmas party and ways that parents could help. I thought that since I couldn't be there I would do that cutesT thing that was offered. But by the time I received the text (when I got off work) all the fun things had been spoken for. I'm bringing Ziploc bags and paper towels. Boring. I know I should be happy that I don't have to do much work but I'm disappointed because I enjoy doing mom-of-the-year type things. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I never thought I would be the mom bringing the paper towels and Ziploc bags! And again there's nothing wrong with that because not everyone likes to do the cutesy stuff. Not everyone likes to be surrounded by 23 preschoolers hyped up on sugar and ready for Christmas break. But I do. I hope it doesn't hurt my daughter's feelings that I'm not at her party. I hope she understands. 

My life as a working mom part two

I am sad. I am sad because I love to cook but I don't have time! I rush to get out of work by 4 so I can drive twenty miles to pick up my kids and drive twenty miles back home. I get home around 5. Even if I think ahead and have something thawed out, I can't cook because this is the time of day when Jaxon  is fussy and tired. He misses his momma and wants to be held. He used to love being worn but lately that's not his thing. So here I am trying to cook one handed and not burn the baby while Ella is making messes everywhere she can. The result of all of this is that my family is eating lots of pizza and other frozen foods. Even my quick and easy meals are too much when I'm trying to do it one handed. I would probably let Jax  fuss a bit if I was home all day with him but I just can't bear it since I don't get to spend much time with him. I feel like I'm failing my husband by not providing him a hearty meal each night. I also know that we are not eating healthy and that kills me! I don't know how other working moms cook for their families. Maybe they don't?

So when the pizza gets done in the oven it's time for Jaxon to take a bath and go to bed. As soon as he goes down its Ella's turn. Then I eat dinner by myself since everyone ate while I put Jaxon to bed. I sometimes clean but often I skip it because I'm so tired. Then I shower. Then I have to pump. By the time all that's done it's usually 9 o clock and I struggle to keep my eyes open to watch half an hour of tv.  Do working moms really keep their houses clean? 

Before I had Jax the laundry was ALWAYS done and put away. Now it's in a big unfolded pile in my living room! Do working moms keep up with laundry?

My messy bun carried the slight aroma of rotten milk today because Jaxon  spit up in my hair this morning and I didn't have time to shower before work. Do working moms look nice?

I have to admit that even though I don't have a spare second to do anything and even though I am averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, I am happy. Tired, smelly, and messy but happy!

My life as a working mom

Week one has been rough. Monday morning I cried and cried and cried! I just can't help thinking that Jaxon feels abandoned. When I had Ella I stayed home with her until she was almost 2 years old. I never had to go through this separation anxiety. I was there for every single one of Ella's milestones, large and small. I knew exactly when and what she ate. I knew every new sound, giggle, or gurgle. I spent so much time with that little lady! This whole "don't see your kid for 10 plus hours a day" thing is new to me and I don't like it! 

My fear of Jaxon dying is through the roof right now because I am not with him keeping him safe. It is killing me. Im sure it will get easier but it's HARD right now. 

Another thing that is tough is that for me, my whole life has changed, but for everyone else it has stayed the same. I don't expect to get special treatment because I have young children but at the same time I have to step back a little from the things I normally do. I am afraid it will be viewed by others that I am slacking off and it couldn't be further from the truth! I simply have to make MY children my priority. My students just cannot come first. As much as I love them, I love my children more. I tend to volunteer for a lot of extra things at school because I am passionate about my job and my students and Cherokee. But now I know I need to step back a little and it's hard for me to do that. 

One of my coworkers shared this with me the other day after a conversation we had about my struggle to balance being a great teacher AND a great mom:

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭6:10‬ ‭

This verse comforts me when I feel the intense guilt of leaving my baby each day to be a working mom. My job is important. I make a difference! I'm not leaving my kids for fun. I'm not leaving them to go to a meaningless job. I work hard to help my students and their parents. I try my best to help the people I work with so that our school can be the best it can be. I know that in the long run, I will be happy with my decision to be a working mom. I know that I am using the gifts God has given me...the gifts of words, compassion, patience, love, and intelligence. He has given me the special gift of being able to talk to children and I try to glorify him each day through that gift. 

I hope one day my kids will look at me and admire my ability to touch children's lives. I hope they will know how much I love them. I hope they will see how I try to maximize my time with them each day. I hope that I am able to make the most of each precious moment with them.

Right now I feel like I'm working so hard to be a teacher, mom, wife, cook, and housekeeper but I'm doing none of them well. I feel like I am in the ocean struggling to reach the surface. I am prayerful that I can swim my way to the top of the water and look around to see calm waters. I am so blessed to have this life and I know things will get easier as we settle into our new normal. Despite the challenges and difficulties I'm facing right now, I am the happiest woman in the world! I am so in love with my baby boy. I am happily married to my best friend. I have a spunky daughter that keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh harder than anyone else. I am a blessed person!

4 Things I've Learned from Parenting a Rainbow Baby

In case anyone was wondering, parenting a newborn is hard! This Tiny person that the lord entrusted to me cannot do anything for himself. He depends on me fully. These things are a given...people know and understand these things about babies. However, it is often overlooked that you don't really KNOW this new family member. When Jaxon was first born I didn't know what he likes and what he doesn't. I didn't know what annoys him or what calms him. It takes awhile to figure these things out! We are in a good place now though and I feel very in tune with this little guy. I know that he likes to be held upright and he likes to face out so he can see what's going on. I know that he loves to take baths but hates to get out! I am so in love with this boy. 
It hasn't always been bliss though! Here are some things that parenting a rainbow baby has taught me.

1. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me a more patient parent.

Jaxon had a period of time where he was screaming all the live long day. I intentionally didn't say "crying." He was legitimately screaming. When other people's kids cry, it really doesn't bother me, especially after having my own. BUT when my kids cry, I feel it from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes. It is physically painful and emotionally jarring. I was so overwhelmed by his behavior. When I would get frustrated though, I would think of Daisy and all those moments where I WISHED I could have heard her cry. It was then that I would hold him tight and focus on his little warm and wiggly body in my arms and just breathe the moment in. We did figure out the problem and have since fixed it. But that's a whole other blog topic!

2. Parenting a rainbow baby does not make me a perfect parent.

As wonderful as my above response might seem, I am not perfect! There were plenty of times where I had to just put Jax down in his bed and just walk away. I needed space and quiet for a minute or two to recharge. If I allow myself those moments I can better parent going forward, but I feel terrible when I do this! At times I really beat myself up about it. I think about Daisy in those moments as well and I tell myself that I should appreciate him in all of his moments, good and bad, because I could not do so with Daisy. But that's unrealistic. Again, I am not perfect. I also had a lot of trouble parenting Ella upon Jaxon's arrival. I would get frustrated and snappy with her when I normally would not and again I would feel guilty about it, thinking that I should be more appreciative of my living children. But losing one child doesn't make you a perfect parent to the others. 

3. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me over protective because I am so afraid he will die.

This one is tough to talk about. First off, I know it's irrational but that realization doesn't lessen my fear. When Ella was a baby we co-slept, pillows and loose blankets and all (gasp!) She also slept on her tummy. I didn't lower her crib mattress when I was supposed to. The list goes on and on of the rules I broke. At the time that's what worked for us. I felt comfortable with those choices because I just knew that MY baby would not die of SIDS, my baby would not suffocate, my baby would not suffer a serious injury. Now I unfortunately know that the worst CAN happen. I swaddle Jax. He sleeps in his pack n play every night. I wake up to check his breathing. We had an outbreak of pertussis (whooping cough) in my community right around the time Jax was born, and he was exposed at 6 days old. I was sick over this for weeks! All I could do was watch him closely and hope he didn't begin to cough. Thank goodness for vaccines! I chose to get the tdap vaccine while pregnant and it protected Jaxon from this life threatening illness. But for weeks Tyler and I were on pins and needles, freaking out over the slightest odd sounding noise from Jaxon's little body. I imagine the worst at all times! I'm just terrified of losing him and I want to protect him from everything. 

4. Parenting a rainbow baby is a blessing from God.

When I look at his sweet face, I see a gift from The Lord. He radiates goodness and love. I am so blessed to have this boy and I will try my best to never take him for granted. I know that God has big plans for this child and I am excited to be a part of that. I thank The Lord every moment for my precious Jax!

Now a little update on Jaxon: He is perfect! He is sleeping a 7-8 hour stretch at night and is gaining weight like crazy. He just went in for his 2 month check up and is 13 lbs 11 ounces and 23 and a quarter inch long. He is sweet and cuddly. He loves his momma, taking baths, and his swing. He does not like getting out of the bath or riding in the car. He brings us lots and lots of joy!

Jaxon's birth story

On Tuesday August 18th, I had contractions all day that were 3-5 minutes apart. They were not painful, only uncomfortable, and in fact I only started timing them because I noticed I was having quite a few. I tried taking a bath but the contractions persisted. I tried resting, but they continued. I tried walking, yet the contractions did not wane. I took Ella to my mom's for a sleepover because I had a doctor's appointment the next day and did not want to take her with me. When I got there my mom told me to call my doctor but by that point it was close to 5 o'clock and no one answered. since my contractions were not painful I didn't think I needed to go to the hospital.

I went to bed that evening around 11 pm thinking that I would probably be admitted to the hospital the following day. I was right, just not in the way I thought! I slept very restlessly and at 1:45 am I got up to use the restroom. At that time I knew something wasn't right. I told Tyler we needed to go to the hospital. I'm very much a planner so we had hospital bags for the two of us packed and ready to go in the car. The car seat was already installed and the baby's diaper bag was loaded in the car as well. It took Tyler and I about a minute or two to get dressed. By the time I got to the pickup I could barely walk! We live on a dirt road and by the time we got to the paved road, I was in excruciating pain. I knew I wasn't going to make it to Temple. (Back story: Due to Daisy's still birth and compications, I was seeing a Maternal/Fetal Medicine specialist in Temple which is an hour and 45 minutes from my house.) I called the hospital in Lampasas (the nearest hospital) and asked for their labor and delivery department. They informed me that they do not have one and do not deliver babies. I hung up the phone and then had another contraction. I handed the phone to Tyler, telling him that he needed to call them again and tell them that they would be delivering a baby that night! We made it to Lampasas in record time and they were waiting for us outside. Upon arrival I asked (begged!) for pain medication. The doctor checked me out and said no! I was already fully dilated and ready to go! They did not have an ultrasound machine or monitors. The only monitor we had was the doppler. They were not very experienced using it and it took forever for them to find my baby's heartbeat. It made me so anxious. I kept thinking...not again! I can't lose this baby! But alas they found his heartbeat and I could focus on the task at hand.As I labored I did not get much feedback from the doctor or nurses. Usually when you have a baby, they tell you when to push and for how long. They cheer you on. They encourage you. They tell you when the baby is crowning. None of this was relayed to me. I had to just totally rely on my body and my instincts. My labor was quick and I'm so glad because it was by far the most painful experience of my life. I still can't even believe that I did that! It's hard to believe that I am capable of something like that.

My baby boy was born on August 19th at 3:15 am, just an hour and a half from the time I woke up. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice. I was scared but the doctor quickly unraveled it and all was well with my son. The best thing about giving birth is that moment when the baby comes out. Not only are you filled with euphoria from the experience of seeing your child for the first time, but you feel instant relief from the pain. It is not a gradual release of pain. It is there at its peak and then gone suddenly. It's amazing!

Jaxon Tel Owen weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 21.5 inches long. He was beautiful and perfect and snuggly from the start. We were put in an ambulance and sent to Temple and then came home the next day.



Jaxon is now 3 weeks old and a momma's boy! His likes to NURSE, look at mom's face, listen to Ella sing, get his feet rubbed, be swaddled, and sleep in his wrap. He does not like having dirty diapers or sitting in his bouncer. He weighs 10 pounds 8 ounces already and sleeps 3 hours at a time at night (usually.) My boy could not be more loved.

Let go, let God

This last week has been a roller coaster! I went to the doctor on Wednesday and was dilated 4 cm and completely effaced! We were all in shock. The doctor told me that at this point if I have any pain at all or just feel weird I need to come in to L&D. Since I live two hours from the hospital he wrote in my chart that they are not allowed to send me home. So we went home Wednesday afternoon to wait...

The whole week I have been on high alert. Every twinge, ache, pain, and contraction have had me on pins and needles wondering if "this is it." I have been slowly driving myself crazy! I have been moody, emotional, stressed, and nervous. Tyler has been doing a good job of bringing me back down to earth and reminding me to trust that God will help me through this.

I have been praying for God to give me clarity and patience while I wait for this sweet baby to make his earthly arrival. And let me tell you, The Lord has been working on hard on my heart and mind. I have felt a sense of peace and calmness over the last two days. I am ready to give this to God! We forget that God tells us not to worry about things and that we should let Him do the work. That is what I have been struggling to do but have finally let go! It is so freeing and I am so glad that I have a relationship with God that is full of trust and love. We will be adding to our family any day now and I am trying my best to be patient and just enjoy these last few moments before he arrives.  I truly cannot wait to see what God has in store for me and my family!

Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Love Lifted Me

People often tell me how strong I am and they say things like, "I don't know how you do it." People ask me how I get through it and I don't often know what to say. I don't think I deserve the credit. The only thing that has gotten me through the loss of my daughter is LOVE. 

I don't actually mean earthly love though. Even though I have received a lot of love and support from friends and my amazing family, it is not what got me through this. There is a song we sing in church that goes, "Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would do, love lifted me." THAT is the love I'm referring to. God's love lifted me out of the depths of grief, anxiety, sadness, and depression. Even though I had a big earthly support system, it just "wouldn't do." I prayed while my daughter died. I prayed while I gave birth to her. I prayed on my knees in the days following her death. I prayed on the way to her funeral. God never failed me. When I needed extra strength, God gave it to me. When I was confused and needed peace, God delivered. When I was angry, God calmed me. 

When Daisy died, I was surrounded by people who love and support me. But there comes a time when people have to return to their own lives. I could not do that. My life would never be what it once was. When I returned home, my house felt empty. When I went out in public I felt raw, as though my skin had been peeled off and every one could see my wounds. When I received phone calls, I felt panicked that I would have to tell someone about what had happened to me. I had constant, debilitating anxiety for a long time. When I was at my weakest moment, though, and I had not one person with me 24/7 like I needed, God was there. He never left me. I could talk to God at any time and he always helped me. He eased my worries and calmed my heart. His love lifted me. His love carried me through those dark moments. 

I do not deserve the credit for being strong. God gave me that strength. If I credit myself with anything though, it is that I have faith and trust in God. It has not always been easy but I have chosen that path and have received a bounty of blessings because of it! Glory be to God for all of the wonderful things he has done in and with my life. 

Fear

I think when labor looms near almost every woman experiences an element of fear. If it's your first baby, it's fear of the unknown. If you are more experienced you are scared of what you DO know! 

What I know about labor is different than what a lot of women know. I know about the physical pain, yet that is not what scares me. I can deal with that part. It only lasts a few hours. But the emotional pain I know about is everlasting and impossible to recover from. I know how fragile a baby's life is. I know that labor can be the beginning of the end. I know that labor does not always have a happy ending. I know that hospitals can't always be trusted. I know that doctors don't know it all and sometimes they make the wrong call.

I will be having my third child soon and I am afraid. I am afraid that, once again, I will not bring a baby home. I tell myself all the time that he WILL be fine. I have prepared his room, built his baby "things," washed his clothing, and prayed endlessly for him. Even though these things soothe my fear, they do not eradicate it. I have anxiety about going into labor. I do not want to experience the same devastation and heartbreak as I did last summer. I do not know how I could possibly recover from that.

I am (mostly) confident that this baby will live and will bring us great joy, but I don't think I will be fully confident until he is in my arms, alive and well. 

Since the death of my daughter I have had an irrational fear of my other children dying. I imagine all sorts of scenarios in which there is no happy ending. I pray about this more than anything. I seek comfort and peace in The Lord. It does help! I just wish I could shake this nagging fear completely. But maybe that's just what happens when you have been traumatized by a tragic event. It's kind of like a defense mechanism I guess. I over analyze daily activities in the hopes that I can intervene before the unthinkable occurs again. 

I pray that as my "Labor Day" approaches, I will allow the Lord to comfort me and ease my anxieties. I pray that I will be confident that my child will survive. I pray that he will be healthy and strong. I pray that I can focus on my little guy and not on his sister when that day arrives. I want it to be HIS day...unclouded by the memory of his sister. Even as I struggle to overcome these issues, I truly am excited to meet this little boy! I can't wait to see his face and hold his tiny body. Those images are helping me keep pressing onward!

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for THOU ART WITH ME. Thy rod and thy staff, they COMFORT me.

Waiting on God's perfect timing

I am a pretty patient person for the most part but pregnancy really tests me. When I was pregnant with Ella I was crawling out of my skin with anticipation! I couldn't wait to get my hands on her! When I was pregnant with Daisy I was very patient. I cherished that pregnancy and savored every little moment...well most moments anyway!  I have been pretty patient with this pregnancy also BUT I am so over it now. I love feeling his little wiggles but if I'm being honest, I want him to wiggle outside of the womb. I want to see his face and kiss his toes. I want to soothe his cries and witness his first giggles. I have been waiting a long time for a baby after all.

 I wanted to begin trying to have a baby back in 2012 but the timing wasn't right. Then when we did begin trying in 2013, it took awhile for us to finally conceive our precious Daisy. Alas, we did not get to bring her home despite 8 months of pregnancy. I have been anticipating a baby for 2 years! I have 3-4 weeks left of pregnancy (or less if he so chooses.) It seems like an eternity to me at the moment. I know I will look back on this in a month and it will feel very differently but gosh, I want my baby! 

If I learned anything from my daughter's death, though, it is that God has His own plans for me and my family. I am trying very hard to get through this impatience with prayer. Lots and lots of it! I need to trust that God will bring this baby into my life at just the right moment. 

Ella is starting school this year and she has Meet the Teacher on the 21st. She begins school on the 24th and I am due on the 26th. I am just so worried that I won't be able to be there for those special moments. We have lots of support so I know getting her to those events is no problem but I desperately want to be there too. She is very nervous about starting school and I want to hold her hand and hug her tight and support her through this difficult (but exciting) time in her life. I don't want her to feel as though I am choosing her brother over her. I have been praying about this so much. I just want to be the best mom I can be to all of my children!

A letter to Daisy on her birthday

Dear Daisy,

Happy first birthday to my beautiful baby girl! I cannot help but imagine what you would be like if you were here today. I imagine you toddling around, chasing after Ella, giggling and showing off a few new teeth. 

I am so happy for you that you are spending this birthday and all of your birthdays to come with Jesus! You are so blessed to have never known any of the pain, sadness, or sickness of this world. You left this world safe and warm and loved, tucked inside my womb.

 For me though, I am sad that you aren't here! Today started out rough for me. I couldn't sleep and so I got up at 5am and sat on the porch awaiting the sunrise. My tears streamed silently for you. Later my sobs became uncontrollable and gut wrenching. I am so HURT that you are gone. I feel an emptiness inside of my heart where you should be. 

When Ella woke up I was reminded that we had plans to celebrate you today, Daisy, not mourn you. We went to the cemetery and Ella gave you a very cute heart shaped wreath with some beautiful roses and a teddy bear attached. She is so proud to be your big sister, even though you're not here with us. She loves you and misses you so much! Daddy and I gave you some pink daisies and some birthday balloons. We are so blessed to be your parents. We came home and made you a cake and some homemade ice cream. All three of us pitched in. 

We wish so badly that you could be here to have cake with us. I wish I was throwing you a big birthday bash! We would have had so much fun. No matter how hard I try to make this day special and happy, it has a sad undertone and it always will. 

I love you, Daisy, and I am excited to hug you and squeeze you one day in heaven! 

Love, Mommy

Bad days

I started blogging when I reached a relatively "good place" in my grief journey. I've been very positive and optimistic but I don't always feel that way. Today is a bad day. There's no real reason. I just can't stop crying. This is hard for me to admit because I want people to see my strength, to have hope. I don't want people to worry about me. 

I am writing this with the main intention of letting people know there is no time limit on grief. And realistically I think grief like this is infinite. I do not think it ever goes away. 

I also believe that you can have bad days where you cry all day long and don't get out of bed and still be "doing good." I've noticed through my grief journey that people will often tell me how good I'm doing or how strong I am and I wonder if lack of emotion is strength. I wonder if the ability to paste a smile on my face in difficult times means I am doing good. Am I strong because I don't let other people into my heart? I want to tell myself and other grieving parents that it's ok to cry, to be sad, to miss what you've lost. It doesn't mean you're taking a downward spiral. It doesn't mean that you are not doing well. All it means is that you loved someone so much that it is unbearable to be without them! 

I don't think I should lay in bed and cry all day. In fact, I don't think I've done that one single time since my daughter died. I think that it's best to pray and read my bible and find strength in The Lord. I think getting up every day and choosing to feel blessed has helped heal me. Finding happiness in the little things is what keeps me going.

All I'm saying is that it's ok to have bad days. I probably need to allow myself more of them, honestly. I talked in my last post about parenting Ella through our grief journey...parenting her doesn't always allow me to have bad days. I don't often have time to grieve. I know that sounds crazy but it's true! It's pretty hard to find a few minutes to myself where I feel comfortable enough to just cry. Today she slept in and it just hit me as though an elephant sat on my chest. I am getting through it with prayer and this blog but I'm also trying to let myself experience the grief. I think it's important to FEEL. 

Loneliness of an only child

One of the more difficult parts of losing Daisy is parenting Ella through it. At first it was because I was trying to do everything "the right way" for her. I didn't want her to see me cry or crumble and so I was strong and tried to be as normal as possible. I had my weak moments, for sure, and still do but over all I think I did a good job of maintaining my composure for her sake.

She had a very hard time with the loss of her sister. For months afterwards she was worried that everything around her would die. It was a very difficult time for us as a family. She began to withdraw from activities she would normally  participate in because, according to her, she wanted her sister to do it with her. We just focused on the fact that Daisy was in the arms of Jesus in heaven and never had to feel pain or sickness, worry or stress. We encouraged Ella to pray when she missed Daisy or wanted to talk to her and that seemed to be the ticket. She really latched onto that idea and would just stop in the middle of the day to "talk" to her sister.

Losing Daisy kept Ella as an only child for an extra year and this was not something we wanted. At all. We wanted Ella to have a sibling LONG ago but it just didn't happen the way we hoped. Ella NEEDS other kids! She is so energetic and imaginative and sometimes playing with mom and dad just doesn't cut it. I have tried my hardest to insert her into activities where I know there will be other kids for her to interact with. Sometimes this is a hard thing to do. I find that other families aren't as desperate to make time for "play dates" because their kids have each other to play with. This is hard for me as a mother. I try to give her plenty of opportunities to play with others. I invite people to do things with us and I hope that we receive invitations to play as well but it seems that it is just Ella most of the time. I wish other people could see how much my daughter needs companionship, how she begs to have other kids to play with, how she cries when play dates don't work out.  It is frustrating and heart breaking! If Daisy were here, Ella would have a walking, talking, laughing little sister to dress up with and play tea party with. Knowing this upsets me. Ella will be starting Pre-K in August and I am so excited for her! She will be able to learn so many new things and will make new friends and I hope that she loves it! I am hopeful that this will help her need for socialization. If we can get through the next 6 weeks or so of summer boredom, I won't feel so guilty about not giving her a sibling sooner. I just feel so sorry for her that she is always around adults! 

We are expecting a baby in a few weeks and I know that it will help Ella with her need for companionship. However Ella was really unhappy with my pregnancy at first. She was not excited as she had been before. She was even more upset when we found out we were having a boy. She would cry and tell me that she didn't want a brother because her sister was "just perfect." She would add that she missed Daisy and wished she were here with us. Ella would get very stressed and worried every time I went to the doctor for a prenatal visit and so we stopped telling her when we would go and/or try not to take her with us. We would just tell her when we returned that everything was good with the baby. Recently she has really come around though! She has to hug and kiss my belly every night before bed and she says she is excited to meet her brother. It is such a relief that she is warming up to the idea because I know she will make a great big sister!  

I can't wait for the day when there are kids (plural!) running around my house laughing and fighting, playing and squealing! Music to my ears! 

Deserving God's blessings

You would think being a teacher and having summers off would give me more time for blogging but, man oh man, have we been busy! I'm on the school's site based committee whose main responsibility is conducting interviews so we have had to do interviews 2 days a week thus far. Luckily we are done with all of that! I've also been going to San Angelo for workshops. I tried to schedule all of them as early as possible so that I wouldn't be huge and pregnant traveling far from my hospital! On top of that Ella attended Vacation Bible School at 2 churches, one of which I was a volunteer for. 

I had a baby shower a couple of weeks ago and so I have been preparing for my baby boy. I've been cleaning and organizing all of his new things. Next week I will be painting the kids' room and moving Ella's new bed in. 

Preparing for this baby has been so much fun, so relaxing. I feel that The Lord has really eased my anxieties about losing this baby and I feel confident that I will bring him home! I am so blessed to have him growing and wiggling inside of my belly. I am trying to cherish every single moment...which anyone who's ever been pregnant knows is a pretty hard thing to do! 

However, at times I get scared and panicked and start imagining how I will deal with it if he dies too. I read an article a couple of weeks ago about mothers who have lost infants and there was one thing that really stood out to me. The woman said that she wished she had the same excited innocence as she had once had about her pregnancy and labor and delivery. I sooooo agree! I feel like my feelings are so tainted by the tragedy that I went through that it can be difficult to just be flat-out, pure and sweet, EXCITED! I have so many friends having babies right now and every time one of them announces they are in labor, I am on pins and needles until I get confirmation that their babies are ok. I pray endlessly and I worry constantly. I think, "If they only knew what I know, they wouldn't post this or that." But I don't want them to know all that! I don't want their excitement to be diminished. I don't want them to know what this is like. I was so unguarded with my previous pregnancies and I don't regret it. On the same note though, I have to force myself to post things about my current pregnancy. I don't want to look back and regret NOT posting and allowing myself to be happy. I should be documenting this gift from God.

 In a bible study I did awhile ago, it talked about being deserving of blessings. The thing is we DON'T deserve God's grace or His blessings. However, God wants to give us these things and we need to accept them. Can you imagine receiving a gift from your father, a heartfelt gift given for no reason, and saying,"Oh no. You keep it. I'm too broken to accept."? Of course not! You would accept the gift humbly and feel good that he was thinking of you. I have prayed a lot about accepting God's blessings and I know that God wants me to be happy. I know that He has given this baby to me as a precious gift.

I thank God every single day for this boy! I canNOT wait to hold him, nurse him, play with him. I can't wait to see his sweet face. I can't wait to raise him up knowing that he has a sister watching over him in heaven and a sister protecting him on earth. What a lucky little guy!

1 Corinthians 15:10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 

Daisy's birth story (my experience with vasa previa)

This story starts out as a happy one. I found out I was pregnant with my second child on December 16, 2013. We had been trying to conceive for about 5 months and were very excited to add to our family. I ordered Ella a shirt that said "I'm gonna be a big sister" and she wore it to our family Christmases. Our families were ecstatic, not even knowing we had been thinking about adding to our family. 

I had a normal ultrasound at 7 weeks. I began to feel those precious little bubble bursts in my tummy at 17 weeks. And at 20 weeks we found out we were having a girl and that all was well with our second little princess. From then on everything was going well. My weight was on track. My blood pressure was good, the baby's heart rate was strong, and she was measuring right on time. There was nothing odd about my pregnancy other than some periodic spotting throughout the pregnancy. Every time it happened I called my doctor and he said it was fine and completely normal (even though this had never happened in my first pregnancy.) My whole pregnancy was happy, healthy, and normal. BUT on July 11, 2014, at 33 weeks and 4 days gestation everything drastically changed...

That morning started out normally. Ella asked during breakfast if her sister was coming out that day. I said, "No! It's too early. She'll come out when God's ready for us to meet her." Later that afternoon Ella went to her Granna's to spend the night and Tyler and I made some popcorn and got in bed to watch a movie. A few minutes into the movie I felt a warm trickle in my underwear. I went to the bathroom to investigate, not thinking much of it. I was absolutely shocked to see my underwear completely saturated in blood. I sat on the toilet and blood POURED out of me in a steady stream. I knew we needed to go to the hospital. 

We went to my mother in law's house to pick her up. She drove me to the hospital while Tyler stayed with Ella. I was not in pain. I checked into Llano Scott and White hospital around midnight. They strapped monitors to me and said that a doctor would be there in a few minutes as one of his patients was about to deliver a baby across the hall. The nurses and I noticed that the baby's heart rate was a little unsteady so they put me on oxygen.

Enter Dr. Miller. He did an ultrasound and said everything was fine (wrong). He said the placenta looked normal (wrong) and in the right place so he was unsure as to why I was bleeding. He did notice the umbilical cord was near the baby's neck but not wrapped (red flag!) I began to have contractions 5-6 minutes apart and the baby's heart rate was changing drastically. It would be normal in the 150s and then drop suddenly into the 49s. Dr. Miller ordered a shot to stop my contractions. He didn't want me to deliver because they don't have a NICU in Llano. He said I would be monitored for a few hours and be released in the morning, although he still expressed confusion about her heart rate and the bleeding. I was told by a nurse that Dr. Miller went home at this point.

 My mother in law went to trade places with Tyler. We were not terribly concerned at this point because the nurses and doctors didn't seem to be. I began to doze as the nurses constantly moved the monitors around in my belly trying to find a steady heart beat. Around 6 am Dr. Miller returned. A nurse had called him to come check on me. He said they were going to fly me out to a bigger hospital. I was shocked! He left for a minute and returned saying the helicopter couldn't fly out due to weather....this still confuses me because it was a clear summer morning. 

He says, "We're going to do a c-section now and the baby might not make it. We have St David's NICU on the way but she still might not make it." Tyler hadn't made it to the hospital yet and I was alone. I started crying. I was so scared. They began to prep me for surgery and Dr. Miller did another ultrasound. He was silent. I could tell something was wrong. He looked at me and said, "The baby didn't make it. I'm sorry." About that time Tyler called and I was so hysterical he couldn't understand me. He came to my room and the doctor repeated the devastating news. 

A few minutes later an angel of a nurse, Debbie, came in to tell me they would induce me and I would deliver my baby that day. I told her I wanted an epidural as soon as possible. I did not want any of the pain without the prize at the end. She understood. They also sedated me. I was still aware of what was going on; I just wasn't so hysterical. When my contractions became painful they gave me an epidural but it was useless. I told them it wasn't working but the anesthesiologist was rude and didn't seem to care. I don't know how long I was in active labor but it felt like an eternity. I felt every contraction, every pain of that labor. It was the most horrific experience of my life. 

Our baby girl was born still at 8:23 pm on Saturday July 12. She weighed 3 pounds 13 ounces and was 17 inches long. She had dark curly hair even though it was sparse. She looked a lot like Ella when she was born but she favored me more whereas Ella favors Tyler more. She was beautiful and perfect. 

I was heavily sedated when they put my angel in my arms. I took a quick picture of her with my phone and it is the only one that exists of our sweet girl. I didn't cry as I looked at her face, touched her soft lips and nose, opened her eyes to see deep blue irises, unwrapped her blanket to count 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. After about a half hour they took her away from me and I wish I hadn't been sedated so that I would have fought to hold on to her forever. It just happened so quickly. I'm sad that I didn't get to hold her tiny body in my arms longer. 

2 weeks later we met with my doctor for a cause of death appointment. We were told that I had a velamentous cord marginally inserted, which means the umbilical cord inserted to the side of the placenta instead of the middle and was also like a spider web of veins instead of a cord enclosed in Wharton's jelly. He suspected vasa previa also and suggested I research it. I did and it seems that this is the case for me. All the signs are there: painless massive bleeding, fetal bradycardia (heart rate drops), and FETAL DEATH. 

I had never heard of this condition before even though I researched everything about pregnancy! I had no symptoms to speak of. I had no risk factors. Despite all of this, it happened to me. All I know to do is inform other people about this condition that is NOT screened for during pregnancy and possibly save a child's life and save a mother from the pain I feel. 

All you have to do is ASK to be checked for vasa previa. The best time to do so is at your 20 week growth ultrasound. When VP goes undetected it has a 90% mortality rate but if it is diagnosed, with proper care, that rate drops to almost ZERO. If I had been diagnosed with VP, I would've been planning a csection at 34 weeks instead of a funeral. Fight for your child's life!

Mother's Day

When it comes to Mother's Day many moms have feelings other than happiness or joy. For those mothers who have lost a child but have other living children, some people will say that you need to focus on the children you do have and not dwell on what you've lost. Before I became a bereaved mother, I had that though cross my mind as well. But I now know how insensitive that idea is. 

Just because I'm sad, it doesn't mean I'm not grateful. And just because I'm grateful, it doesn't mean I'm not sad. 

I can miss my daughter and be sad that she isn't in my arms on this Mother's Day. I'm allowed! At the same moment I can be grateful and find joy in my daughter, Ella, and my son growing inside of my belly. I can do both! 

I can't help but think about Daisy on this day as I do every single day. But I have found today that I am able to be joyous that I am her mom. I am happy that I was able to take care of her and nurture her through 8 months of pregnancy. I am proud of how beautiful and perfect she was. I am reflecting on all those little baby wiggles from the inside of my body. I am just so lucky be her mom, no matter how much time I got to spend with her or how that time was spent. She taught me so much about life, God, myself, my marriage. She taught me how to find joy in life even when it seems bleak. I want to honor her memory with happiness and pride, not sadness and grief. 

While I am still sad that she isn't with me, I am choosing to be thankful for every little moment I had with her. I am choosing to celebrate her life today and celebrate my job as a mother. I have been blessed with three precious children, Ella, Daisy, and my baby boy. Being a mom is the best job in the world and at the same time, the hardest. I give thanks to God for choosing me to be the mother of these three children and I am excited to see how He continues to bless my life.

Be sensitive to those mamas out there who have had to give their children back to God. Some are hurting more than they show. Don't be afraid to speak about the children they lost. They want to! Push yourself out of your comfort zone in order to brighten a mama's day. 

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

Levels of loss

This week I stepped in a time machine and went back to July 12th, the day my precious daughter died. I relived everything about that day in vivid detail. I couldn't stop thinking about the days after.. I remembered that feeling when I would wake up in the morning and for a second it was all a dream, and how when I would shake the sleep out of my mind, my horrifying reality would hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered the devastation. I remembered planning my daughter's funeral. I remembered pretending to be fine. I remembered attending that funeral and showing the people nearest and dearest to me how weak I really was. 

Those thoughts and memories never really leave me. I just know how to manage them better now. But the thing that triggered all of this was the death of another precious baby. Reliving all of those moments caused tears to stream down my face for days. I was not crying for my loss, though. I was crying for the parents of Cooper Burnett, the 6 month old baby who fought his whole short life to live but alas could not. I have so much empathy for his sweet parents. I understand what it is like to lose your baby. I am sorry for them, for the path they have to take now. 

In my journey through grief, I have found that you must be very careful when showing empathy, though, because there is a very fine line between empathy and insensitivity. The need to relate to people in order to comfort them is great. Since the passing of my daughter, so many people have told me they know how I feel or share stories that they think connect us. Sometimes it is helpful and sometimes it is offensive. 

I have found that there are different levels of loss. The levels are on the same plane, not one being better or worse than another. There are similarities in the feelings you may feel but there are differences. For example, I have bonded with my mother in law over my loss because she has also lost a child. Her son, Tel, passed away at 18 years old in a car accident. We share many of the same emotions because we have both suffered through the death of a child. However I feel cheated out of a lifetime of memories, whereas she has tons of memories. She had to deal with missing someone who was a constant physical presence in her life, someone she saw and talked to every single day, whereas I did not have to make those adjustments since Daisy was never able to come home with us. I could go on and on. My point is my loss is much different  from her loss. It is different from a miscarriage, the death of a child at 5 years old or the death of a child at 40 years old. No better. No worse. Just different. For me to tell my mother in law I know how she feels would be wrong. I don't know how she feels and vice versa.  

I know that I can offer some empathy to our friends who have lost their baby but I don't know exactly how they feel. They got to know Cooper and see his little personality grow. They watched him fight for 180 days. I'm sure there were days of hope and days of discouragement. 

 I pray that I can be sensitive to their needs as they grieve and that I can offer comfort to them. I hope they will know that I am here for them to talk to any time. I hope that I do not let my own grief cloud my ability to be completely caring and loving towards them. I have realized that we should not have our own agenda when comforting others. Just listen and love and be there. That's all anyone really needs from a friend. 

Matthew 19:14 

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Proverbs 3:5 

Trust in the lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.

A simple question

How many kids do you have?

It's a simple question. It's a question that no one thinks twice about asking. It doesn't seem to be one of those "too personal" questions that people are nervous to ask. It's a question that you feel like you can ask a total stranger. It's an easy question to ASK but not an easy question to ANSWER. 

For me and me alone the answer is truly a simple one. I have two children and one on the way. But I'm afraid if people want to know more, I will have to explain that one of my children died. I honestly have no problem saying that my daughter died but it makes other people feel uncomfortable. They begin to feel guilty that they even asked the question. I also wonder if they think I'm weird for including my angel in my number of children...like maybe I don't need to include her because it makes conversations awkward and I should be more aware of that. (I'm definitely aware of that by the way!)

I went to the eye doctor several weeks ago and one of the assistants asked me if this was my first child. I said it was my second because I wanted to avoid all of those other complications since she was just making small talk. But as soon as I said it, I felt like I had just twisted the knife in my own heart. I felt like I had betrayed Daisy. I felt ashamed. 

There are plenty of people who have lost children when they were older: 8, 18, 40, etc, and I think they have more ownership of their number of children. They have memories. Other people have memories. Their children were KNOWN. I feel like I'm the only person that knows Daisy. I don't know what her smile looks like. I don't know what her laugh sounds like. I don't know what movies she would have liked or what foods she would've hated. I did feel her wiggle in my belly though. I held her tiny body. I saw her sweet face. But no one else knew her like that. It's as though since she was born sleeping, she wasn't born at all. 

Is it strange for me to include her in the number of children I have? Is it off putting for me to explain that she now lives in Heaven? Will people look at me with pity? Will they think I am crazy? 

I'm still not sure how to answer the question. My only hope is that someone else will feel safe to include their angel in their "number" when they talk to me. I will continue to pray for the strength to stand strong and be confident as Daisy's mother. I want to feel safe to give an honest answer to this deceivingly simple question.

Social media

I think social media is a great thing when used appropriately. My generation started social media! I got a Facebook account mere months after it was started by Mark Zuckerburg. Since then I have been an active participant. I enjoy being able to keep up with long distance family members. It is awesome to stay in touch with people who were special to you at one time in your life but have drifted apart or moved away. I like being able to post something once and all my friends and family have access to it instead of spending time trying to tell everyone individually. In our fast paced world, it makes maintaining relationships so much easier. I have shared my ups and downs as a young adult on Facebook. One of my favorite things though has been chronicling my pregnancies with Facebook. I love looking back on belly photos and posts about swollen feet, overly helpful people, and sweet baby kicks...the wonders of pregnancy! 

But when my baby died I nestled myself inside a shell. I frantically checked Facebook for days after her death, panicking that someone might have posted that my daughter had died. For some reason I did not want to see this particular event on social media. I was feeling things that I had never felt before...things I didn't want anyone to see. I put on a brave face (still do!) and went on about my life without skipping a beat. I didn't know what else to do. I had another child to take care of...a child that had also fallen in love with our baby...a child who was excited to be a big sister. That had been taken away from her. It wasn't easy for any of us.

Fast forward a few months and we found out we were having another precious baby! We were happy that our prayers had been answered but we kept it to ourselves for awhile. I was terrified of losing this baby and I also felt very protective. I chose not to tell anyone for quite some time. Around 12 weeks it was becoming impossible to hide, physically, and I had to tell close friends, family, and work. It was very emotional and nerve wracking for me to tell people but it was also a huge relief! 

However, I was still feeling very protective and did not want to share on social media. One afternoon I went to visit a friend and after a long, productive talk, she reminded me of how great social media can be. She reminded me that social media can be a place for support and love. It can be a place for people to reach out when they don't know how else to do so. I began reflecting on Daisy's death and how even though I didn't post much of anything for awhile, I still gathered a ton of support through social media. I know that this child is something to be celebrated and I decided to share my pregnancy with the Facebook world when I was almost 20 weeks. We had found out that we are having a BOY this time around which we are really excited about. But more importantly we found out that I do not have vasa previa this time and that the baby is growing well and is seemingly healthy. I gather a lot of comfort in this knowledge but I am still guarding my heart. I am still worried that I won't be able to bring him home with me and I don't think that feeling will go away until he is officially in this house! Luckily I go to a maternal/fetal medicine specialist at Scott and White in Temple and am being closely monitored. I feel confident that my doctor wants to do everything he can to help me bring a baby home this time. I can't help but wish I had received this attention during my pregnancy with Daisy, but I can't change the past. All I can do is continue to look forward and take each day one step at a time!

Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.