Path to joy

When something really terrible happens to you, here are two paths you can take. You can choose to blame God and hate Him for what He has done to you or you can lean on God and trust in His plan for You. 

I totally understand how people choose the first path. When my daughter died, I immediately clung to my faith but that is not to say I didn’t stumble a bit or question things. I had moments where I was definitely angry with God and honestly, I felt very hurt that my God could let this happen to me. 

The thing is, though, God doesn’t do bad things to us. He doesn’t let bad things happen to us. He simply has a bigger plan and sometimes we have to go through tough things for His plan to come to fruition. I know that the Lord was seeking me out at that time. He craved my love. He was reaching out to me. While some might think the Lord forsakes you in times of great strife, I KNOW that at that time, I was the closest I’ve ever been to God. He was hugging me as my daughter slipped away. He was holding me up as I walked out of the hospital. He was rubbing my back as I sobbed. I felt Him. 

I choose every single day to trust the lord. When you choose the other path, the path that leads away from God, an interesting thing happens. You go further into grief, depression, and negative feelings. Satan is pleased with you and he feeds your anger. But when you choose to take the Lord’s hand and trust that he knows what’s best for you, you feel comfort, warmth, and hope. 

People often tell me that I handle my grief so well and honestly, it’s all God. I chose to trust him completely and he filled my heart with joy. Truly. It is not a quick fix, an easy out, nor is it butterflies and rainbows everyday. It is a choice to follow the lord and to seek him. It is not always an easy choice, but His love is powerful. It helps me overcome my struggles and really gives me the joy I need to survive everyday. 

Joy isn’t determined by what I have been through. Joy is fueled by faith. 

Galatians 5:22 The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, and peace. 

1 peter 1:8 Though you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy...

A letter to Daisy on her third birthday

Dear Daisy, 

This day has been hanging over my head like a dark and threatening rain cloud. For several weeks the thunder has been rumbling inside of me, warning me of a devastating storm. 

Today is your birthday and it is also your angelversary. This year it has hit me much harder than years past. I don't know why. My heart, soul, mind, and body just ache for you. I want to hold you. I want to count your eyelashes while you sleep. I want to paint your toes and play with your hair. 

Jax fell asleep on me last week and as I stared at his precious face I became overwhelmed by my grief for you, Daisy. It hit me so hard that I had never been able to cuddle you like that. Tears flowed. 

For the last week or so I have this heaving feeling. I don't know how else to explain it...maybe this is what hyperventilating is? Anyway it's this feeling that comes out of nowhere and my body starts to shake and my stomach contracts repeatedly and I feel like I can't breathe. I want you.

This year your birthday is so incredibly hard for me. I wish that your death date was different from your birthdate so badly! I think that if they were separate days I might be able to truly celebrate his day but I just can't, not fully. 

I have been thinking about how three years ago, yesterday, I was so hopeful and innocent, so happy and lucky to live this life of mine. And then the next day came and I changed into a different person, a nervous person, an anxious person, a person who has closed herself off emotionally from the people closest to her. 

I've been having nightmares and visions of my children dying and they torment me. I have prayed endlessly for them to stop but they keep coming. I need you to give me some comfort, Daisy. I wish you could! 

I know that you are dancing with Jesus, Daisy, and that one day I will be too. That brings me peace most days but my earthly longing is overpowering at times and now is one of those times. 

"My mind knows you are in a better place where there is no pain. You are at peace. I understand that. I just wish I could explain that to my heart." -Michelle Russell

I love you, Daisy, and I'll never stop. Happy 3rd birthday, baby girl. 

Love, Mommy