July

July is my trigger month. I never plan on it. It just happens. It creeps up on me like a lion sneaks up on its prey. It’s like I know the wave is coming hut I just don’t quite have time to grab my raft. Tonight the weight of grief hit me like it hasn’t in years and I had no warning. There was no indication that I might get upset or cry. But I did. Tyler and I reflected on how difficult it has been to deal with the death of our child. When we were dating and even when we got married, we would intertwine our fingers and gaze into each other’s eyes and say, “I don’t know why people say marriage is difficult. Ours will be amazing. There is no way we will have bumps  in our path.” We just couldn’t fathom what could be powerful enough to test our love. What we didn’t take into account is that things could happen OUTSIDE of our control. Our daughter died. It was horrifying and traumatic and tragic. And it still is. And even though there are more good days than bad now, it still hurts us to our cores. There were times where we felt like separate entities. But at the end of it all we found each other and knew we could withstand this test. We sought out our God and found strength in Him and His promises. We honored the pledge we made to each other and Him and came out on the other side. I am so thankful for our marriage and for God’s hand in it. I am thankful for our daughter, Daisy, and the pain we experienced from her death because it strengthened our bond to each other and our reliance on God. Daisy has taught me so much. This life is so much more than my feelings. I KNOW that God has such a wonderful plan for me and my family and I’m grateful everyday for the grace He has shown me.

To Daisy on her 4th birthday

Dear Daisy,

I really miss you! I wonder what kind of person you would be now that you’re a preschooler. Sadly it gets harder and harder for me to imagine.

I know that you got a new friend in heaven yesterday and I hope you are making her feel at home. Are you giving her your place in Jesus’ lap? Are you showing her to her mansion in the sky? I hope it’s wonderful and beautiful and perfect just like you.

Your dad and I are mourning you still but we know that we will see you one day. One day I will be able to hold you, hug you, kiss you. I am looking forward to that day.

I have so much to say but this year I am feeling reserved. But you know what’s in my heart, Daisy. You know that you are always on my mind.

I hope you are having a giant birthday party today with our loving lord,  Jesus Christ. It is from Him that all blessings flow.

Love, Mommy

Path to joy

When something really terrible happens to you, here are two paths you can take. You can choose to blame God and hate Him for what He has done to you or you can lean on God and trust in His plan for You. 

I totally understand how people choose the first path. When my daughter died, I immediately clung to my faith but that is not to say I didn’t stumble a bit or question things. I had moments where I was definitely angry with God and honestly, I felt very hurt that my God could let this happen to me. 

The thing is, though, God doesn’t do bad things to us. He doesn’t let bad things happen to us. He simply has a bigger plan and sometimes we have to go through tough things for His plan to come to fruition. I know that the Lord was seeking me out at that time. He craved my love. He was reaching out to me. While some might think the Lord forsakes you in times of great strife, I KNOW that at that time, I was the closest I’ve ever been to God. He was hugging me as my daughter slipped away. He was holding me up as I walked out of the hospital. He was rubbing my back as I sobbed. I felt Him. 

I choose every single day to trust the lord. When you choose the other path, the path that leads away from God, an interesting thing happens. You go further into grief, depression, and negative feelings. Satan is pleased with you and he feeds your anger. But when you choose to take the Lord’s hand and trust that he knows what’s best for you, you feel comfort, warmth, and hope. 

People often tell me that I handle my grief so well and honestly, it’s all God. I chose to trust him completely and he filled my heart with joy. Truly. It is not a quick fix, an easy out, nor is it butterflies and rainbows everyday. It is a choice to follow the lord and to seek him. It is not always an easy choice, but His love is powerful. It helps me overcome my struggles and really gives me the joy I need to survive everyday. 

Joy isn’t determined by what I have been through. Joy is fueled by faith. 

Galatians 5:22 The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, and peace. 

1 peter 1:8 Though you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy...

A letter to Daisy on her third birthday

Dear Daisy, 

This day has been hanging over my head like a dark and threatening rain cloud. For several weeks the thunder has been rumbling inside of me, warning me of a devastating storm. 

Today is your birthday and it is also your angelversary. This year it has hit me much harder than years past. I don't know why. My heart, soul, mind, and body just ache for you. I want to hold you. I want to count your eyelashes while you sleep. I want to paint your toes and play with your hair. 

Jax fell asleep on me last week and as I stared at his precious face I became overwhelmed by my grief for you, Daisy. It hit me so hard that I had never been able to cuddle you like that. Tears flowed. 

For the last week or so I have this heaving feeling. I don't know how else to explain it...maybe this is what hyperventilating is? Anyway it's this feeling that comes out of nowhere and my body starts to shake and my stomach contracts repeatedly and I feel like I can't breathe. I want you.

This year your birthday is so incredibly hard for me. I wish that your death date was different from your birthdate so badly! I think that if they were separate days I might be able to truly celebrate his day but I just can't, not fully. 

I have been thinking about how three years ago, yesterday, I was so hopeful and innocent, so happy and lucky to live this life of mine. And then the next day came and I changed into a different person, a nervous person, an anxious person, a person who has closed herself off emotionally from the people closest to her. 

I've been having nightmares and visions of my children dying and they torment me. I have prayed endlessly for them to stop but they keep coming. I need you to give me some comfort, Daisy. I wish you could! 

I know that you are dancing with Jesus, Daisy, and that one day I will be too. That brings me peace most days but my earthly longing is overpowering at times and now is one of those times. 

"My mind knows you are in a better place where there is no pain. You are at peace. I understand that. I just wish I could explain that to my heart." -Michelle Russell

I love you, Daisy, and I'll never stop. Happy 3rd birthday, baby girl. 

Love, Mommy

Triggers

  I've been thinking a lot lately about what went wrong with Daisy's pregnancy....that's not to say I haven't before...I just have been thinking about it a little more than usual. This is my third holiday season without her and I have finally come to the realization that the holidays trigger me.  It's just that she should be here. If the doctors had done their jobs properly she would be here with us...a 2 year old cutie pie, anxiously awaiting Christmas!

My pregnancy went well. That's the thing that upsets me most. I always wonder if I missed something. But when I go over it all in my head and replay every moment I know that I did everything right. When I'm pregnant, I take care of myself perfectly. I eat healthy (with a few cheats!), I stay active, I rest when I need it, I drink lots of water, I don't drink caffeine at all, I don't eat lunch meat....I could go on forever! I read about pregnancy every single day of all of my pregnancies.

It was the fault of every single medical professional that treated my during my pregnancy and during my delivery. I had 4 ultrasounds...I don't know why they bothered if they weren't going to examine them closely! I can remember my 20 week anatomy scan at the hospital. It was done by a tech and she argued with me for awhile that I could not be 20 weeks pregnant. It made me nervous but when the scan was complete she said I was measuring correctly. What??!! I had a follow up with my doctor a few days later and he clicked photos of all of her cute little poses but no talk of small measurements. No talk of low lying placenta. No talk of velamentous cord insertion and certainly no talk of vasa previa. What did they see? What were they looking for? It is so confusing to me.

And then the delivery....when I went into that hospital they should've given me a c section immediately. My daughter's heart rate was dropping to almost nothing and yet they left her inside of me. She could've survived outside of my body but not inside yet that's where she stayed. Why did it take them 6 hours to decide I needed a c section? Why did it have to be too late? Why did I have to be induced after the bad news? Why did I have to give birth to a baby that could not come home with me?

Ugh. I obsess over these missed details all too often. I wish I could make these thoughts go away...all those what ifs. I dream of consulting with these doctors and quizzing them about it all but I know they would never meet with me. I know they haven't forgotten me. After Daisy was born...the way they all looked at me...with guilt and fear in their eyes...I know they haven't forgotten. The whole thing disgusts me.

I pray a lot to have a forgiving heart and to be rid of these feelings of negativity but it's hard. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still sad. I miss my daughter with an intensity that I can't shake.

Ah the holidays......

I am also triggered by anything baby related. When someone announces a pregnancy or impending delivery or a birth it's like a punch in the gut. When I hear someone announce pregnancy I have all of these thoughts of panic....like do they realize how fragile this thing is? Do they appreciate this precious gift enough? I want to warn them! I want to yell out, "Be careful and be grateful!" I feel the same feelings when I know someone is about to have a baby but more intensely. I remain nervous and anxious until I find out the baby is here and safe and...alive. And birth... what a beautiful thing! The birth of a baby makes me so joyful, more so than ever before. But it also makes me a little jealous. Gosh I hate that word. Jealous. It's an ugly word that I'm ashamed to feel but it's real and raw. I thought this weakness would be gone by now especially since I have had another baby since Daisy's death, but it hasn't. The biggest accomplishment for me right now in this never ending journey of grief is recognizing my triggers, accepting them, and learning how to cope with them. I think I can.

To Daisy on her second birthday

Dear Daisy,

 I have always felt like I haven't had much time to grieve you. But today I will have many hours alone as I drive to and from San Angelo and I'll admit, its a little frightening to be by myself with this heartache. 

2years. It's been a whirlwind. When you left my womb, Daisy, it felt empty. Totally and completely empty. I felt hollow. My womb was quickly filled with your brother, Jaxon, whom I love with a passion I never knew I possessed. And while I did not EVER for a second feel like Jaxon was a replacement for you, I can't help but feel sometimes that I didn't allow myself enough time to grieve for you. Did I betray you by loving another baby so soon after you left us?

Daisy, when I look at Jaxon I see your little brother. I am so sad that he won't know you. At least Ella remembers you wiggling in my belly. She remembers making plans for you to join our family. But Jaxon... He doesn't know you. All he will know is that he has a sister in heaven, he will know what we tell him. He will never really know how much we love you., how much joy you brought to our lives for the short period of time that you were with us, how much we miss you, and how grateful we are to have him to brighten our lives after such a dark moment in time. 

We went to a birthday party a couple of weekends ago to celebrate a little girl that would be just your age, a little girl that I just knew would be your best friend. Her mother and I had made plans for you to grow up together and when I see her I see you.Jaxon was playing with her and I couldn't help imagining him playing with you, Daisy. Our family is missing you.

I overheard Ella having a conversation with some of her friends the other day. She mentioned that she had a sister. Her friends told her she did not and even kind of tattled to their mother that Ella said she had a sister but she doesn't. Ella stood her ground and explained that she has a sister, but her sister lives in heaven. It is not fair that she has to explain that. It is not fair that you aren't with her to hold her hand so that she can guide you through life. 

For the last few days Jaxon has been sick. The first night his fever got very high and I was doing my best to help him and make him comfortable. Ella began to cry suddenly and when I asked her what was wrong, the words burst out of her in a panic. "I'm afraid Jaxon is going to die!" A girl her age shouldn't worry about such things! But in all honesty, Daisy, her words spoke my thoughts. I have these moments of panic several times a day, every single day, often about the silliest things. It's not fair that death is always on our minds. 

Daisy, my heart is just as broken today as it was the day you left us. I ache for you. I lie in bed sometimes with visions of a curly headed girl bouncing around my house. It is not fair that I don't get to see you grow up. It is not fair that Jaxon and Ella are missing their sister. 

Daisy, we will bake cupcakes tonight for your birthday. They will be pink with glittery sprinkles. I hope that's something you would have liked. I will search through Target today to find the perfect thing to lay on your grave. And when I enter that cemetery I will wish that I was not there. I keep having this goal to be joyous on this day but honestly, I am not joyful. I am sad. I am a little angry. I feel like there is a stack of bricks on my chest. It's hard to breathe without you here. 

Daisy, I know that Jesus is helping you celebrate your birthday today in heaven and that he is so happy that you are with him. I am proud of that. I am proud of you. Happy 2nd birthday, Daisy. I wish I could hug you but I would never let go!

Love, mommy

Matthew 19:14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Parent shaming

Recently I was a victim of parent shaming...an epidemic sweeping the nation. The gist of the comments was that I do not discipline my oldest daughter appropriately. These comments bothered me a lot and by "bothered" I mean it made me really mad! I thought about it and prayed about it and came to a conclusion. The fact of the matter is that no one can criticize the way I parent because they are not ME. Parenting is a complex job. It's a job in which there are too many variables to make judgements about how other people do it.

I am totally aware that my daughter is a handful. Believe me: I know. I'm the one that lives with her, remember?! I am aware that she needs discipline. I believe in using various discipline strategies. I  spank my children when it is appropriate. I put them in time out. I give rewards and I take away privileges. It all depends on what I feel is appropriate at that time. It differs based on where we are, who we are around, and what undesirable action my child performed. 

Parenting also has to do with the personalities and philosophies of BOTH parents. My comfort level might be very different from someone else's. And for that matter, things that bother YOU about my child's behavior might not bother me and vice versa. 

There's also the element of what works best for our family. I've been a stay at home mom and I am now a working mom and I can tell you they are very different experiences. For me, being a working mom is so much harder and I have a lot of guilt about it, to be honest. When I am with my kids for those precious few hours, it's hard for me to have negative experiences. That is not to say that I don't discipline my kids...I do! But it is very hard. And then there's the element of having been through the death of a child. That experience makes me look at my children very differently than before. It is another obstacle I have to face when it comes to discipline. 

I write all this to say that we should all resist the urge to judge other parents. Try not to turn your nose up at people just because they don't parent the same way you do. If it has to do with health or safety you can bet I will say something but parenting philosophies are another thing entirely. We are all just doing the best we can. 

"Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged." Matthew 7:1-2

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