Triggers

  I've been thinking a lot lately about what went wrong with Daisy's pregnancy....that's not to say I haven't before...I just have been thinking about it a little more than usual. This is my third holiday season without her and I have finally come to the realization that the holidays trigger me.  It's just that she should be here. If the doctors had done their jobs properly she would be here with us...a 2 year old cutie pie, anxiously awaiting Christmas!

My pregnancy went well. That's the thing that upsets me most. I always wonder if I missed something. But when I go over it all in my head and replay every moment I know that I did everything right. When I'm pregnant, I take care of myself perfectly. I eat healthy (with a few cheats!), I stay active, I rest when I need it, I drink lots of water, I don't drink caffeine at all, I don't eat lunch meat....I could go on forever! I read about pregnancy every single day of all of my pregnancies.

It was the fault of every single medical professional that treated my during my pregnancy and during my delivery. I had 4 ultrasounds...I don't know why they bothered if they weren't going to examine them closely! I can remember my 20 week anatomy scan at the hospital. It was done by a tech and she argued with me for awhile that I could not be 20 weeks pregnant. It made me nervous but when the scan was complete she said I was measuring correctly. What??!! I had a follow up with my doctor a few days later and he clicked photos of all of her cute little poses but no talk of small measurements. No talk of low lying placenta. No talk of velamentous cord insertion and certainly no talk of vasa previa. What did they see? What were they looking for? It is so confusing to me.

And then the delivery....when I went into that hospital they should've given me a c section immediately. My daughter's heart rate was dropping to almost nothing and yet they left her inside of me. She could've survived outside of my body but not inside yet that's where she stayed. Why did it take them 6 hours to decide I needed a c section? Why did it have to be too late? Why did I have to be induced after the bad news? Why did I have to give birth to a baby that could not come home with me?

Ugh. I obsess over these missed details all too often. I wish I could make these thoughts go away...all those what ifs. I dream of consulting with these doctors and quizzing them about it all but I know they would never meet with me. I know they haven't forgotten me. After Daisy was born...the way they all looked at me...with guilt and fear in their eyes...I know they haven't forgotten. The whole thing disgusts me.

I pray a lot to have a forgiving heart and to be rid of these feelings of negativity but it's hard. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still sad. I miss my daughter with an intensity that I can't shake.

Ah the holidays......

I am also triggered by anything baby related. When someone announces a pregnancy or impending delivery or a birth it's like a punch in the gut. When I hear someone announce pregnancy I have all of these thoughts of panic....like do they realize how fragile this thing is? Do they appreciate this precious gift enough? I want to warn them! I want to yell out, "Be careful and be grateful!" I feel the same feelings when I know someone is about to have a baby but more intensely. I remain nervous and anxious until I find out the baby is here and safe and...alive. And birth... what a beautiful thing! The birth of a baby makes me so joyful, more so than ever before. But it also makes me a little jealous. Gosh I hate that word. Jealous. It's an ugly word that I'm ashamed to feel but it's real and raw. I thought this weakness would be gone by now especially since I have had another baby since Daisy's death, but it hasn't. The biggest accomplishment for me right now in this never ending journey of grief is recognizing my triggers, accepting them, and learning how to cope with them. I think I can.

To Daisy on her second birthday

Dear Daisy,

 I have always felt like I haven't had much time to grieve you. But today I will have many hours alone as I drive to and from San Angelo and I'll admit, its a little frightening to be by myself with this heartache. 

2years. It's been a whirlwind. When you left my womb, Daisy, it felt empty. Totally and completely empty. I felt hollow. My womb was quickly filled with your brother, Jaxon, whom I love with a passion I never knew I possessed. And while I did not EVER for a second feel like Jaxon was a replacement for you, I can't help but feel sometimes that I didn't allow myself enough time to grieve for you. Did I betray you by loving another baby so soon after you left us?

Daisy, when I look at Jaxon I see your little brother. I am so sad that he won't know you. At least Ella remembers you wiggling in my belly. She remembers making plans for you to join our family. But Jaxon... He doesn't know you. All he will know is that he has a sister in heaven, he will know what we tell him. He will never really know how much we love you., how much joy you brought to our lives for the short period of time that you were with us, how much we miss you, and how grateful we are to have him to brighten our lives after such a dark moment in time. 

We went to a birthday party a couple of weekends ago to celebrate a little girl that would be just your age, a little girl that I just knew would be your best friend. Her mother and I had made plans for you to grow up together and when I see her I see you.Jaxon was playing with her and I couldn't help imagining him playing with you, Daisy. Our family is missing you.

I overheard Ella having a conversation with some of her friends the other day. She mentioned that she had a sister. Her friends told her she did not and even kind of tattled to their mother that Ella said she had a sister but she doesn't. Ella stood her ground and explained that she has a sister, but her sister lives in heaven. It is not fair that she has to explain that. It is not fair that you aren't with her to hold her hand so that she can guide you through life. 

For the last few days Jaxon has been sick. The first night his fever got very high and I was doing my best to help him and make him comfortable. Ella began to cry suddenly and when I asked her what was wrong, the words burst out of her in a panic. "I'm afraid Jaxon is going to die!" A girl her age shouldn't worry about such things! But in all honesty, Daisy, her words spoke my thoughts. I have these moments of panic several times a day, every single day, often about the silliest things. It's not fair that death is always on our minds. 

Daisy, my heart is just as broken today as it was the day you left us. I ache for you. I lie in bed sometimes with visions of a curly headed girl bouncing around my house. It is not fair that I don't get to see you grow up. It is not fair that Jaxon and Ella are missing their sister. 

Daisy, we will bake cupcakes tonight for your birthday. They will be pink with glittery sprinkles. I hope that's something you would have liked. I will search through Target today to find the perfect thing to lay on your grave. And when I enter that cemetery I will wish that I was not there. I keep having this goal to be joyous on this day but honestly, I am not joyful. I am sad. I am a little angry. I feel like there is a stack of bricks on my chest. It's hard to breathe without you here. 

Daisy, I know that Jesus is helping you celebrate your birthday today in heaven and that he is so happy that you are with him. I am proud of that. I am proud of you. Happy 2nd birthday, Daisy. I wish I could hug you but I would never let go!

Love, mommy

Matthew 19:14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Parent shaming

Recently I was a victim of parent shaming...an epidemic sweeping the nation. The gist of the comments was that I do not discipline my oldest daughter appropriately. These comments bothered me a lot and by "bothered" I mean it made me really mad! I thought about it and prayed about it and came to a conclusion. The fact of the matter is that no one can criticize the way I parent because they are not ME. Parenting is a complex job. It's a job in which there are too many variables to make judgements about how other people do it.

I am totally aware that my daughter is a handful. Believe me: I know. I'm the one that lives with her, remember?! I am aware that she needs discipline. I believe in using various discipline strategies. I  spank my children when it is appropriate. I put them in time out. I give rewards and I take away privileges. It all depends on what I feel is appropriate at that time. It differs based on where we are, who we are around, and what undesirable action my child performed. 

Parenting also has to do with the personalities and philosophies of BOTH parents. My comfort level might be very different from someone else's. And for that matter, things that bother YOU about my child's behavior might not bother me and vice versa. 

There's also the element of what works best for our family. I've been a stay at home mom and I am now a working mom and I can tell you they are very different experiences. For me, being a working mom is so much harder and I have a lot of guilt about it, to be honest. When I am with my kids for those precious few hours, it's hard for me to have negative experiences. That is not to say that I don't discipline my kids...I do! But it is very hard. And then there's the element of having been through the death of a child. That experience makes me look at my children very differently than before. It is another obstacle I have to face when it comes to discipline. 

I write all this to say that we should all resist the urge to judge other parents. Try not to turn your nose up at people just because they don't parent the same way you do. If it has to do with health or safety you can bet I will say something but parenting philosophies are another thing entirely. We are all just doing the best we can. 

"Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged." Matthew 7:1-2

The Bible Toggle Dropdown

I got 99 problems, and sleep is 98 of 'em....

I am really struggling right now with sleep or the lack there of. Jaxon was a great sleeper at first. By ten weeks old he was sleeping 8 hour stretches...sometimes longer! Then in November he got sick with a cold that he couldn't shake for weeks. It totally disrupted his sleep patterns and he began waking every two hours. As soon as he got over the cold, he started teething and so the problems persisted. Now he is habitually waking as he wakes the same times every night. He goes down between 6 and 7, wakes at 1030, 1230, 230, 430. It's killing me. I'm not getting more than an hour of sleep at a time. My patience is wearing thin. My body is tired. My eyes burn all day. I can't complete tasks at home. I forget things almost immediately.  All I think about is sleeping!

For the last two weeks I've been trying to do modified cry it out to eliminate one wake up at a time. I go in after 5-10 minutes and calm him without picking him up and then leave. The first week it seemed to be working. He even slept from 11-4 one night. It was amazing!!!!! But this week we are back to waking up every 1-2 hours. Right now at 2:30 AM I am nursing a baby who has been awake since 12:30. I give up. I just want to cry. 

Everything in my body is screaming, "I can't do this anymore!" But then I have the frightening realization that I have no choice. I am this baby's mother. 

I have nothing positive to say in this post which is hard because I usually find ways to lift myself up through my writing. I'm just so tired that I feel like I might die and there's no good in that. I love my baby though. He's really cute and so sweet. Ahh there it is...❤️

Stress and Blessings

I am under a lot of pressure right now...at work, at home, as a mother, as a wife. I am doing so many things but none of them WELL! I am trying my best to keep my head above water.

At work we are prepping for the devil...um I mean the STAAR test. I am calling conferences with parents and I will begin tutorials next week. Since I am responsible for four STAAR tests I will be pulling kids 4 days a week. I will do this during my conference period. When the kids leave I will have a few minutes left to pump. (I am still breastfeeding.) I pump at lunch also while I'm eating and then I pull kids into my room for lunch detention. I have no breaks. I have no time. I am going going going all day. Then I race to get my kids which takes an hour round trip because they are 20 miles away. I get home and spend a few minutes with my kids. I attempt to cook. I don't clean. I bathe them and put them to bed in shifts. I pass out shortly after. Some days we have church or school projects to do as well. Tyler is never home..he has a lot going on at work right now and doesn't get home until late. And he's been guiding hunts on the weekends, so I'm by myself.  I am stressed!

In times of great stress like this I tend to just retreat slowly. I back away and then suddenly sprint in the other direction! I usually get inside my head and I can easily get down. Lately I have been having these aching feelings of missing Daisy. I see kids her age (how old she would be now) and it hurts. I know that I am in a place of vulnerability right now and so I have been pushing all thoughts of her out of my head and out of my heart. Well not so much pushing, as SHOVING to the ground and walking away. I don't want to sink my boat when I gave worked so hard to patch it up!

So we were at Wednesday night church last week and we sang the song, "Blessed be Your Name." The lyrics spoke to my heart. One of the verses goes like this:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

When I heard that I thought, "Yes! My road is STILL marked with suffering. And I feel like Daisy was an offering in a way. There was (and is) great pain in giving her to Jesus. BUT no matter what I'm feeling or going through, The Lord's name is blessed! "

And then the next part goes like this: 

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

I hope that I praise the Lord every time he blesses me but I know I fail at that. I just want His light to shine through me! When I think of the blessings poured on me from God I think of Jaxon. I know I'm blessed in many other ways but MAN this kid is a big blessing! I thank God every day for this precious boy! 

We dedicated our children to God last Sunday and I couldn't help feeling incomplete standing in front of the church as a family. When I came home it was still bothering me and I prayed about it. I realized that I already gave Daisy to God and even though it wasn't my choice I gave her fully and with my whole heart, knowing that she was blessed.

Blessings come in all forms. They don't just come in happy times. My daughter is a blessing to me and to others who have learned from her beautiful limited life. Her light shines bright in my family. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 2 Corinthians 13:14

Listen to this awesome song here:
http://www.worshiptogether.com/songs/blessed-be-your-name/#