A simple question

How many kids do you have?

It's a simple question. It's a question that no one thinks twice about asking. It doesn't seem to be one of those "too personal" questions that people are nervous to ask. It's a question that you feel like you can ask a total stranger. It's an easy question to ASK but not an easy question to ANSWER. 

For me and me alone the answer is truly a simple one. I have two children and one on the way. But I'm afraid if people want to know more, I will have to explain that one of my children died. I honestly have no problem saying that my daughter died but it makes other people feel uncomfortable. They begin to feel guilty that they even asked the question. I also wonder if they think I'm weird for including my angel in my number of children...like maybe I don't need to include her because it makes conversations awkward and I should be more aware of that. (I'm definitely aware of that by the way!)

I went to the eye doctor several weeks ago and one of the assistants asked me if this was my first child. I said it was my second because I wanted to avoid all of those other complications since she was just making small talk. But as soon as I said it, I felt like I had just twisted the knife in my own heart. I felt like I had betrayed Daisy. I felt ashamed. 

There are plenty of people who have lost children when they were older: 8, 18, 40, etc, and I think they have more ownership of their number of children. They have memories. Other people have memories. Their children were KNOWN. I feel like I'm the only person that knows Daisy. I don't know what her smile looks like. I don't know what her laugh sounds like. I don't know what movies she would have liked or what foods she would've hated. I did feel her wiggle in my belly though. I held her tiny body. I saw her sweet face. But no one else knew her like that. It's as though since she was born sleeping, she wasn't born at all. 

Is it strange for me to include her in the number of children I have? Is it off putting for me to explain that she now lives in Heaven? Will people look at me with pity? Will they think I am crazy? 

I'm still not sure how to answer the question. My only hope is that someone else will feel safe to include their angel in their "number" when they talk to me. I will continue to pray for the strength to stand strong and be confident as Daisy's mother. I want to feel safe to give an honest answer to this deceivingly simple question.

Social media

I think social media is a great thing when used appropriately. My generation started social media! I got a Facebook account mere months after it was started by Mark Zuckerburg. Since then I have been an active participant. I enjoy being able to keep up with long distance family members. It is awesome to stay in touch with people who were special to you at one time in your life but have drifted apart or moved away. I like being able to post something once and all my friends and family have access to it instead of spending time trying to tell everyone individually. In our fast paced world, it makes maintaining relationships so much easier. I have shared my ups and downs as a young adult on Facebook. One of my favorite things though has been chronicling my pregnancies with Facebook. I love looking back on belly photos and posts about swollen feet, overly helpful people, and sweet baby kicks...the wonders of pregnancy! 

But when my baby died I nestled myself inside a shell. I frantically checked Facebook for days after her death, panicking that someone might have posted that my daughter had died. For some reason I did not want to see this particular event on social media. I was feeling things that I had never felt before...things I didn't want anyone to see. I put on a brave face (still do!) and went on about my life without skipping a beat. I didn't know what else to do. I had another child to take care of...a child that had also fallen in love with our baby...a child who was excited to be a big sister. That had been taken away from her. It wasn't easy for any of us.

Fast forward a few months and we found out we were having another precious baby! We were happy that our prayers had been answered but we kept it to ourselves for awhile. I was terrified of losing this baby and I also felt very protective. I chose not to tell anyone for quite some time. Around 12 weeks it was becoming impossible to hide, physically, and I had to tell close friends, family, and work. It was very emotional and nerve wracking for me to tell people but it was also a huge relief! 

However, I was still feeling very protective and did not want to share on social media. One afternoon I went to visit a friend and after a long, productive talk, she reminded me of how great social media can be. She reminded me that social media can be a place for support and love. It can be a place for people to reach out when they don't know how else to do so. I began reflecting on Daisy's death and how even though I didn't post much of anything for awhile, I still gathered a ton of support through social media. I know that this child is something to be celebrated and I decided to share my pregnancy with the Facebook world when I was almost 20 weeks. We had found out that we are having a BOY this time around which we are really excited about. But more importantly we found out that I do not have vasa previa this time and that the baby is growing well and is seemingly healthy. I gather a lot of comfort in this knowledge but I am still guarding my heart. I am still worried that I won't be able to bring him home with me and I don't think that feeling will go away until he is officially in this house! Luckily I go to a maternal/fetal medicine specialist at Scott and White in Temple and am being closely monitored. I feel confident that my doctor wants to do everything he can to help me bring a baby home this time. I can't help but wish I had received this attention during my pregnancy with Daisy, but I can't change the past. All I can do is continue to look forward and take each day one step at a time!

Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Vasa Previa

One of my main goals for opening up about the death of my daughter is to spread awareness of vasa previa. I have prayed for the strength to write about my experience and I have not yet found that strength. But how can I spread awareness if I can't talk about it?! I've decided to compromise with myself. I will share the FACTS I've learned about vasa previa.

There will be a time when I share the specifics of my experience but I just don't feel ready. It's so personal and private. I am in no way offended when people ask me what happened and I am not afraid to talk about it. However, I tend to breeze over it very quickly giving just enough information. I know that I will share my birth story one day and that day might be right around the corner. But it's not now. 

But let's talk about vasa previa...

Vasa praevia is a rare condition that is NOT routinely checked for during pregnancy even though it can be EASILY detected with a Doppler ultrasound or 3-D ultrasound. When it goes undetected there is a 90% mortality rate. That is a devastating consequence for something that can be easily checked and monitored! I encourage every one that is pregnant, plans to be pregnant, or knows someone that's pregnant to be informed! I read everything there is to read about pregnancy but I had never even heard of this condition. 

If it had been detected while I was pregnant with Daisy, I would've been placed on pelvic rest (not bed rest) after the diagnosis. I would've been given steroids to help my baby grow faster if needed. I would have possibly been hospitalized around 30 weeks for observation. We would have planned a c-section for 34 weeks gestation. What a simple way to prevent the death of a baby!

Vasa praevia (in a very shortened version) is when the umbilical cord passes over the opening of the cervix. It has no symptoms to speak of other than MAYBE some spotting or bleeding and is not painful. If you have vasa previa you cannot give birth vaginally because the cord will detach from the placenta and/or the blood vessels will rupture. In my case Daisy's umbilical cord was also velamentous. This is a common combination in vasa praevia, so common in fact that the terms vasa praevia and velamentous cord insertion are often used interchangeably to refer to this condition. Velamentous cord insertion means the blood vessels of the umbilical cord were not encased in Wharton's jelly like normal but instead exposed, looking like a spider web connecting to the placenta. This makes them very vulnerable to rupture. The rupture of these vessels results in massive but painless bleeding. When the vessels rupture in vasa praevia, the baby goes into fetal bradycardia which means the heart rate drops due to lack of oxygen and blood and will result in rapid death if not immediately taken via c-section.

9 out of 10 vasa previa pregnancies end in the death of the baby when undiagnosed. When diagnosed, that mortality rate drops to almost ZERO! Why is this not routinely checked for during pregnancy? Why do doctors not check for this during the 20 week anatomy scan? Most people will say the reason is because it's so rare, but it is as common as having a baby with Down's Syndrome! Down's Syndrome is commonly checked for during pregnancy so why isn't vasa praevia?! It's less invasive than checking for Down's. Instead of a blood draw or amniocentesis, vasa praevia can be checked via ultrasound. 

500 babies a year die due to vasa praevia and every single death was preventable...not just preventable, but EASILY preventable! Pregnant mamas everywhere need to know about this condition. All you have to do is ask to be checked at your anatomy scan. If your hospital does not have Doppler ultrasounds (the ones with the red and blue colors), have an elective 3-d ultrasound and ask them to check. I know it costs extra but it could save your baby's life! 

* I am no doctor! I am sharing the condition in as simple of a way as I can. I have taken information given to me by doctors, specialists, and my own research.