Deserving God's blessings

You would think being a teacher and having summers off would give me more time for blogging but, man oh man, have we been busy! I'm on the school's site based committee whose main responsibility is conducting interviews so we have had to do interviews 2 days a week thus far. Luckily we are done with all of that! I've also been going to San Angelo for workshops. I tried to schedule all of them as early as possible so that I wouldn't be huge and pregnant traveling far from my hospital! On top of that Ella attended Vacation Bible School at 2 churches, one of which I was a volunteer for. 

I had a baby shower a couple of weeks ago and so I have been preparing for my baby boy. I've been cleaning and organizing all of his new things. Next week I will be painting the kids' room and moving Ella's new bed in. 

Preparing for this baby has been so much fun, so relaxing. I feel that The Lord has really eased my anxieties about losing this baby and I feel confident that I will bring him home! I am so blessed to have him growing and wiggling inside of my belly. I am trying to cherish every single moment...which anyone who's ever been pregnant knows is a pretty hard thing to do! 

However, at times I get scared and panicked and start imagining how I will deal with it if he dies too. I read an article a couple of weeks ago about mothers who have lost infants and there was one thing that really stood out to me. The woman said that she wished she had the same excited innocence as she had once had about her pregnancy and labor and delivery. I sooooo agree! I feel like my feelings are so tainted by the tragedy that I went through that it can be difficult to just be flat-out, pure and sweet, EXCITED! I have so many friends having babies right now and every time one of them announces they are in labor, I am on pins and needles until I get confirmation that their babies are ok. I pray endlessly and I worry constantly. I think, "If they only knew what I know, they wouldn't post this or that." But I don't want them to know all that! I don't want their excitement to be diminished. I don't want them to know what this is like. I was so unguarded with my previous pregnancies and I don't regret it. On the same note though, I have to force myself to post things about my current pregnancy. I don't want to look back and regret NOT posting and allowing myself to be happy. I should be documenting this gift from God.

 In a bible study I did awhile ago, it talked about being deserving of blessings. The thing is we DON'T deserve God's grace or His blessings. However, God wants to give us these things and we need to accept them. Can you imagine receiving a gift from your father, a heartfelt gift given for no reason, and saying,"Oh no. You keep it. I'm too broken to accept."? Of course not! You would accept the gift humbly and feel good that he was thinking of you. I have prayed a lot about accepting God's blessings and I know that God wants me to be happy. I know that He has given this baby to me as a precious gift.

I thank God every single day for this boy! I canNOT wait to hold him, nurse him, play with him. I can't wait to see his sweet face. I can't wait to raise him up knowing that he has a sister watching over him in heaven and a sister protecting him on earth. What a lucky little guy!

1 Corinthians 15:10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.