Let go, let God

This last week has been a roller coaster! I went to the doctor on Wednesday and was dilated 4 cm and completely effaced! We were all in shock. The doctor told me that at this point if I have any pain at all or just feel weird I need to come in to L&D. Since I live two hours from the hospital he wrote in my chart that they are not allowed to send me home. So we went home Wednesday afternoon to wait...

The whole week I have been on high alert. Every twinge, ache, pain, and contraction have had me on pins and needles wondering if "this is it." I have been slowly driving myself crazy! I have been moody, emotional, stressed, and nervous. Tyler has been doing a good job of bringing me back down to earth and reminding me to trust that God will help me through this.

I have been praying for God to give me clarity and patience while I wait for this sweet baby to make his earthly arrival. And let me tell you, The Lord has been working on hard on my heart and mind. I have felt a sense of peace and calmness over the last two days. I am ready to give this to God! We forget that God tells us not to worry about things and that we should let Him do the work. That is what I have been struggling to do but have finally let go! It is so freeing and I am so glad that I have a relationship with God that is full of trust and love. We will be adding to our family any day now and I am trying my best to be patient and just enjoy these last few moments before he arrives.  I truly cannot wait to see what God has in store for me and my family!

Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Love Lifted Me

People often tell me how strong I am and they say things like, "I don't know how you do it." People ask me how I get through it and I don't often know what to say. I don't think I deserve the credit. The only thing that has gotten me through the loss of my daughter is LOVE. 

I don't actually mean earthly love though. Even though I have received a lot of love and support from friends and my amazing family, it is not what got me through this. There is a song we sing in church that goes, "Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would do, love lifted me." THAT is the love I'm referring to. God's love lifted me out of the depths of grief, anxiety, sadness, and depression. Even though I had a big earthly support system, it just "wouldn't do." I prayed while my daughter died. I prayed while I gave birth to her. I prayed on my knees in the days following her death. I prayed on the way to her funeral. God never failed me. When I needed extra strength, God gave it to me. When I was confused and needed peace, God delivered. When I was angry, God calmed me. 

When Daisy died, I was surrounded by people who love and support me. But there comes a time when people have to return to their own lives. I could not do that. My life would never be what it once was. When I returned home, my house felt empty. When I went out in public I felt raw, as though my skin had been peeled off and every one could see my wounds. When I received phone calls, I felt panicked that I would have to tell someone about what had happened to me. I had constant, debilitating anxiety for a long time. When I was at my weakest moment, though, and I had not one person with me 24/7 like I needed, God was there. He never left me. I could talk to God at any time and he always helped me. He eased my worries and calmed my heart. His love lifted me. His love carried me through those dark moments. 

I do not deserve the credit for being strong. God gave me that strength. If I credit myself with anything though, it is that I have faith and trust in God. It has not always been easy but I have chosen that path and have received a bounty of blessings because of it! Glory be to God for all of the wonderful things he has done in and with my life. 

Fear

I think when labor looms near almost every woman experiences an element of fear. If it's your first baby, it's fear of the unknown. If you are more experienced you are scared of what you DO know! 

What I know about labor is different than what a lot of women know. I know about the physical pain, yet that is not what scares me. I can deal with that part. It only lasts a few hours. But the emotional pain I know about is everlasting and impossible to recover from. I know how fragile a baby's life is. I know that labor can be the beginning of the end. I know that labor does not always have a happy ending. I know that hospitals can't always be trusted. I know that doctors don't know it all and sometimes they make the wrong call.

I will be having my third child soon and I am afraid. I am afraid that, once again, I will not bring a baby home. I tell myself all the time that he WILL be fine. I have prepared his room, built his baby "things," washed his clothing, and prayed endlessly for him. Even though these things soothe my fear, they do not eradicate it. I have anxiety about going into labor. I do not want to experience the same devastation and heartbreak as I did last summer. I do not know how I could possibly recover from that.

I am (mostly) confident that this baby will live and will bring us great joy, but I don't think I will be fully confident until he is in my arms, alive and well. 

Since the death of my daughter I have had an irrational fear of my other children dying. I imagine all sorts of scenarios in which there is no happy ending. I pray about this more than anything. I seek comfort and peace in The Lord. It does help! I just wish I could shake this nagging fear completely. But maybe that's just what happens when you have been traumatized by a tragic event. It's kind of like a defense mechanism I guess. I over analyze daily activities in the hopes that I can intervene before the unthinkable occurs again. 

I pray that as my "Labor Day" approaches, I will allow the Lord to comfort me and ease my anxieties. I pray that I will be confident that my child will survive. I pray that he will be healthy and strong. I pray that I can focus on my little guy and not on his sister when that day arrives. I want it to be HIS day...unclouded by the memory of his sister. Even as I struggle to overcome these issues, I truly am excited to meet this little boy! I can't wait to see his face and hold his tiny body. Those images are helping me keep pressing onward!

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for THOU ART WITH ME. Thy rod and thy staff, they COMFORT me.