In case anyone was wondering, parenting a newborn is hard! This Tiny person that the lord entrusted to me cannot do anything for himself. He depends on me fully. These things are a given...people know and understand these things about babies. However, it is often overlooked that you don't really KNOW this new family member. When Jaxon was first born I didn't know what he likes and what he doesn't. I didn't know what annoys him or what calms him. It takes awhile to figure these things out! We are in a good place now though and I feel very in tune with this little guy. I know that he likes to be held upright and he likes to face out so he can see what's going on. I know that he loves to take baths but hates to get out! I am so in love with this boy.
It hasn't always been bliss though! Here are some things that parenting a rainbow baby has taught me.
1. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me a more patient parent.
Jaxon had a period of time where he was screaming all the live long day. I intentionally didn't say "crying." He was legitimately screaming. When other people's kids cry, it really doesn't bother me, especially after having my own. BUT when my kids cry, I feel it from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes. It is physically painful and emotionally jarring. I was so overwhelmed by his behavior. When I would get frustrated though, I would think of Daisy and all those moments where I WISHED I could have heard her cry. It was then that I would hold him tight and focus on his little warm and wiggly body in my arms and just breathe the moment in. We did figure out the problem and have since fixed it. But that's a whole other blog topic!
2. Parenting a rainbow baby does not make me a perfect parent.
As wonderful as my above response might seem, I am not perfect! There were plenty of times where I had to just put Jax down in his bed and just walk away. I needed space and quiet for a minute or two to recharge. If I allow myself those moments I can better parent going forward, but I feel terrible when I do this! At times I really beat myself up about it. I think about Daisy in those moments as well and I tell myself that I should appreciate him in all of his moments, good and bad, because I could not do so with Daisy. But that's unrealistic. Again, I am not perfect. I also had a lot of trouble parenting Ella upon Jaxon's arrival. I would get frustrated and snappy with her when I normally would not and again I would feel guilty about it, thinking that I should be more appreciative of my living children. But losing one child doesn't make you a perfect parent to the others.
3. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me over protective because I am so afraid he will die.
This one is tough to talk about. First off, I know it's irrational but that realization doesn't lessen my fear. When Ella was a baby we co-slept, pillows and loose blankets and all (gasp!) She also slept on her tummy. I didn't lower her crib mattress when I was supposed to. The list goes on and on of the rules I broke. At the time that's what worked for us. I felt comfortable with those choices because I just knew that MY baby would not die of SIDS, my baby would not suffocate, my baby would not suffer a serious injury. Now I unfortunately know that the worst CAN happen. I swaddle Jax. He sleeps in his pack n play every night. I wake up to check his breathing. We had an outbreak of pertussis (whooping cough) in my community right around the time Jax was born, and he was exposed at 6 days old. I was sick over this for weeks! All I could do was watch him closely and hope he didn't begin to cough. Thank goodness for vaccines! I chose to get the tdap vaccine while pregnant and it protected Jaxon from this life threatening illness. But for weeks Tyler and I were on pins and needles, freaking out over the slightest odd sounding noise from Jaxon's little body. I imagine the worst at all times! I'm just terrified of losing him and I want to protect him from everything.
4. Parenting a rainbow baby is a blessing from God.
When I look at his sweet face, I see a gift from The Lord. He radiates goodness and love. I am so blessed to have this boy and I will try my best to never take him for granted. I know that God has big plans for this child and I am excited to be a part of that. I thank The Lord every moment for my precious Jax!
Now a little update on Jaxon: He is perfect! He is sleeping a 7-8 hour stretch at night and is gaining weight like crazy. He just went in for his 2 month check up and is 13 lbs 11 ounces and 23 and a quarter inch long. He is sweet and cuddly. He loves his momma, taking baths, and his swing. He does not like getting out of the bath or riding in the car. He brings us lots and lots of joy!
