I've been thinking a lot lately about what went wrong with Daisy's pregnancy....that's not to say I haven't before...I just have been thinking about it a little more than usual. This is my third holiday season without her and I have finally come to the realization that the holidays trigger me. It's just that she should be here. If the doctors had done their jobs properly she would be here with us...a 2 year old cutie pie, anxiously awaiting Christmas!
My pregnancy went well. That's the thing that upsets me most. I always wonder if I missed something. But when I go over it all in my head and replay every moment I know that I did everything right. When I'm pregnant, I take care of myself perfectly. I eat healthy (with a few cheats!), I stay active, I rest when I need it, I drink lots of water, I don't drink caffeine at all, I don't eat lunch meat....I could go on forever! I read about pregnancy every single day of all of my pregnancies.
It was the fault of every single medical professional that treated my during my pregnancy and during my delivery. I had 4 ultrasounds...I don't know why they bothered if they weren't going to examine them closely! I can remember my 20 week anatomy scan at the hospital. It was done by a tech and she argued with me for awhile that I could not be 20 weeks pregnant. It made me nervous but when the scan was complete she said I was measuring correctly. What??!! I had a follow up with my doctor a few days later and he clicked photos of all of her cute little poses but no talk of small measurements. No talk of low lying placenta. No talk of velamentous cord insertion and certainly no talk of vasa previa. What did they see? What were they looking for? It is so confusing to me.
And then the delivery....when I went into that hospital they should've given me a c section immediately. My daughter's heart rate was dropping to almost nothing and yet they left her inside of me. She could've survived outside of my body but not inside yet that's where she stayed. Why did it take them 6 hours to decide I needed a c section? Why did it have to be too late? Why did I have to be induced after the bad news? Why did I have to give birth to a baby that could not come home with me?
Ugh. I obsess over these missed details all too often. I wish I could make these thoughts go away...all those what ifs. I dream of consulting with these doctors and quizzing them about it all but I know they would never meet with me. I know they haven't forgotten me. After Daisy was born...the way they all looked at me...with guilt and fear in their eyes...I know they haven't forgotten. The whole thing disgusts me.
I pray a lot to have a forgiving heart and to be rid of these feelings of negativity but it's hard. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still sad. I miss my daughter with an intensity that I can't shake.
Ah the holidays......
I am also triggered by anything baby related. When someone announces a pregnancy or impending delivery or a birth it's like a punch in the gut. When I hear someone announce pregnancy I have all of these thoughts of panic....like do they realize how fragile this thing is? Do they appreciate this precious gift enough? I want to warn them! I want to yell out, "Be careful and be grateful!" I feel the same feelings when I know someone is about to have a baby but more intensely. I remain nervous and anxious until I find out the baby is here and safe and...alive. And birth... what a beautiful thing! The birth of a baby makes me so joyful, more so than ever before. But it also makes me a little jealous. Gosh I hate that word. Jealous. It's an ugly word that I'm ashamed to feel but it's real and raw. I thought this weakness would be gone by now especially since I have had another baby since Daisy's death, but it hasn't. The biggest accomplishment for me right now in this never ending journey of grief is recognizing my triggers, accepting them, and learning how to cope with them. I think I can.
