Yellow Daffodils

I pass by the cemetery where Daisy is buried every day. I used to stop every single day. Lately it's been less frequent and I feel as though I've almost been avoiding it for some reason. For about the last week I've noticed a bright spot of yellow near her grave and so today I stopped to see what the new item was. There was a cute little bouquet of artificial daffodils sticking up out of the ground and it made me wonder who had placed them there. It was interesting because when I usually visit the grave I am sad. I cry amongst the ants and grass burrs. But today upon noticing the yellow flowers I smiled. There's something about the color yellow. It symbolizes happiness and warmth. And that is exactly what those flowers did for me. It made me happy that someone remembered my baby. It warmed my heart. And made me wonder. 

 I asked my mother-in-law if she had placed them there because she's the only one I could think of that routinely visits the grave other than me. She said no, that she hadn't been there in a while and I continued to be baffled. And then I realized there are more people that care about my daughter than just myself and my family. There are people out there that watched my belly grow. There are people that held my hand the day she died. There are people who brought my family food when we couldn't find the motivation to even enter the kitchen. There are people who sent cards and flowers. There are people who didn't know what to say but gave the best hugs in the world. It doesn't matter who left the flowers. All that matters is that there are more people out there than I realize on a day-to-day basis that care for me, my family, and Daisy.

While coming to this realization I had another. I was terrible about getting thank you cards out after Daisy's death. That has got to be one of the worst things you have to do after your child dies...write thank you notes. I remember the first time I sat down to do them and I nearly threw up. It took me awhile and then I tackled them again. I had stamps for about half and sent them. The other half sat in my truck until yesterday, yes yesterday, 8 months later, when I put stamps on them and mailed them out. There were a handful that I didn't have addresses for and never asked around. I had the biggest lack of motivation for those cards. It isn't because I am not thankful. I am so thankful for those kindnesses that I can't even express it! Those kind acts got my family through this tragedy! I couldn't follow through with those thank you notes because every time I sent one out it was like it was closer and closer to her death(life) being "over." 

I learned something from those yellow daffodils. Happiness can be found through the kindness of others. The smallest gestures can heal my broken heart. And while I will never be completely healed, I will be better. I will keep going. I will be strong. I will be a yellow daffodil to someone else.



1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Compassion

It has always been difficult for me to show emotion. It is even more difficult for me to have other people show their emotions to me. I have always avoided addressing emotional situations. I don't often say, "I'm sorry for your loss," for fear of inducing tears. I don't prod people or ask questions that might evoke an emotional response. When someone reaches out to me about something that is really upsetting to them I tend to turn away. It is not because I'm a cold hearted person...I'm anything but! I just don't know how to deal with it. It makes me uncomfortable which makes me feel like I can't control the situation. I like to be in control! I think a lot of people feel this way. 

I still feel these feelings. I can still be perceived as emotionally distant. I have found, though, after going through something so traumatic, so horrific, so tragic, so heartbreaking, that it is ok to talk about it. More importantly I have found the courage to talk to others about their losses. 

There are some topics that most people avoid, like miscarriage, still birth, death in general. No one knows what to say and so they say nothing. One thing I've learned from the death of my daughter is that staying silent and pretending it didn't happen makes the hurt person feel even worse. There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better but a simple, "I'm thinking about you," or "how are you really doing?" Or "I'm sorry about what happened to you," really warms the heart of the broken soul. It's never too late to acknowledge a loss like this, to offer a hug, or to just let the wounded know they are thought of, prayed for, and cared for. There were/are many people in my life that have never reached out to me, have never even acknowledged that something happened to me. Some of these people I see every single day. Interesting...

Another thing I wish people would realize is that I have a baby! I carried her in my body for 8 months. I gave birth to her. I cradled her in my arms. I am excited about her! I am proud of her! I would love to talk about her! It would be nice if people asked me what she looked like or how much she weighed or how long she was. But no one does. Her birth is not recognized by others because it coincided with her death. She is not really acknowledged at all. 

I know that most people probably think they are sparing me from pain by not bringing it up. I am in pain. That will not increase because you asked me about my baby. You will not remind me of her because I think about her every second of every day! It is difficult to have been so excited for her arrival, to have spoken with joy about her for so many months, and then to all of a sudden be sworn to silence. That's what her death feels like for me. I don't want her to be forgotten. I know I will never forget her! I wish that I could talk about her without making other people squirm. 

I am not crazy. I am not in denial. I am not awkward or inappropriate. I just love Daisy. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Epiphany!

I have come to the realization that God has given me the gift of words yet I have remained silent. This is no way to glorify Him! I have prayed about this for a long time...prayed for a way to make my daughter's death matter. I have prayed for a way to help others in similar situations and have discovered that I have had it inside of me all along...my gift of words. 

In church the last few weeks we have been talking about the story of the great flood and Noah's ark. It is a story that I have heard a million times and have shared with my daughter as well. It's such a kid friendly bible story but I now see it in a different light. Noah's story is a story of faith and trust in the Lord. He trusted in the Lord when everyone thought he was crazy. He trusted in the Lord as he worked hard to build the massive boat. He trusted the Lord when it took over 100 years for God's word to come to fruition. Now that is trust! 

As I have weathered through my storm for the last 7 months, I have chosen to trust the Lord. I have leaned on Him. I have followed Him. I have sought out comfort in the Bible. I have asked for help through prayer. And guess what...it works! Am I healed? No. I don't think I will ever be healed. But God has made it possible for me to keep living, keep breathing, keep going. He has helped me be a good wife to my husband. He has helped me be a loving mother. I could not get through this storm without God. 

I have faith that God has a plan for me and I pray that I will continue to trust Him and follow that path. Trusting God is hard! It seems so simple in theory but when you go through something hard it is easy to blame God. I don't think it's "God's fault" that Daisy died. I think there is a bigger plan and this is a part of that plan. 

In my struggle to understand why this happened, I have found that there are several reasons:

1. God wants me to build my character. Without hard times we cannot grow!

2. I want to spread awareness for vasa praevia and infant loss.

3. I want to spread the gospel by example.

4. I have become more compassionate.

I will expand on each of these throughout my blogging journey and I hope that people read it and draw strength from it. Please share if you know someone who would benefit from my story.

Romans 5:3-5

We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.

#vasaprevia
#vasapraevia
#vasapreviaawareness
#stillbirth
#infantloss
#christianity