I am writing this with the main intention of letting people know there is no time limit on grief. And realistically I think grief like this is infinite. I do not think it ever goes away.
I also believe that you can have bad days where you cry all day long and don't get out of bed and still be "doing good." I've noticed through my grief journey that people will often tell me how good I'm doing or how strong I am and I wonder if lack of emotion is strength. I wonder if the ability to paste a smile on my face in difficult times means I am doing good. Am I strong because I don't let other people into my heart? I want to tell myself and other grieving parents that it's ok to cry, to be sad, to miss what you've lost. It doesn't mean you're taking a downward spiral. It doesn't mean that you are not doing well. All it means is that you loved someone so much that it is unbearable to be without them!
I don't think I should lay in bed and cry all day. In fact, I don't think I've done that one single time since my daughter died. I think that it's best to pray and read my bible and find strength in The Lord. I think getting up every day and choosing to feel blessed has helped heal me. Finding happiness in the little things is what keeps me going.
All I'm saying is that it's ok to have bad days. I probably need to allow myself more of them, honestly. I talked in my last post about parenting Ella through our grief journey...parenting her doesn't always allow me to have bad days. I don't often have time to grieve. I know that sounds crazy but it's true! It's pretty hard to find a few minutes to myself where I feel comfortable enough to just cry. Today she slept in and it just hit me as though an elephant sat on my chest. I am getting through it with prayer and this blog but I'm also trying to let myself experience the grief. I think it's important to FEEL.
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