My life as a working mom

Week one has been rough. Monday morning I cried and cried and cried! I just can't help thinking that Jaxon feels abandoned. When I had Ella I stayed home with her until she was almost 2 years old. I never had to go through this separation anxiety. I was there for every single one of Ella's milestones, large and small. I knew exactly when and what she ate. I knew every new sound, giggle, or gurgle. I spent so much time with that little lady! This whole "don't see your kid for 10 plus hours a day" thing is new to me and I don't like it! 

My fear of Jaxon dying is through the roof right now because I am not with him keeping him safe. It is killing me. Im sure it will get easier but it's HARD right now. 

Another thing that is tough is that for me, my whole life has changed, but for everyone else it has stayed the same. I don't expect to get special treatment because I have young children but at the same time I have to step back a little from the things I normally do. I am afraid it will be viewed by others that I am slacking off and it couldn't be further from the truth! I simply have to make MY children my priority. My students just cannot come first. As much as I love them, I love my children more. I tend to volunteer for a lot of extra things at school because I am passionate about my job and my students and Cherokee. But now I know I need to step back a little and it's hard for me to do that. 

One of my coworkers shared this with me the other day after a conversation we had about my struggle to balance being a great teacher AND a great mom:

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭6:10‬ ‭

This verse comforts me when I feel the intense guilt of leaving my baby each day to be a working mom. My job is important. I make a difference! I'm not leaving my kids for fun. I'm not leaving them to go to a meaningless job. I work hard to help my students and their parents. I try my best to help the people I work with so that our school can be the best it can be. I know that in the long run, I will be happy with my decision to be a working mom. I know that I am using the gifts God has given me...the gifts of words, compassion, patience, love, and intelligence. He has given me the special gift of being able to talk to children and I try to glorify him each day through that gift. 

I hope one day my kids will look at me and admire my ability to touch children's lives. I hope they will know how much I love them. I hope they will see how I try to maximize my time with them each day. I hope that I am able to make the most of each precious moment with them.

Right now I feel like I'm working so hard to be a teacher, mom, wife, cook, and housekeeper but I'm doing none of them well. I feel like I am in the ocean struggling to reach the surface. I am prayerful that I can swim my way to the top of the water and look around to see calm waters. I am so blessed to have this life and I know things will get easier as we settle into our new normal. Despite the challenges and difficulties I'm facing right now, I am the happiest woman in the world! I am so in love with my baby boy. I am happily married to my best friend. I have a spunky daughter that keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh harder than anyone else. I am a blessed person!