Dear Daisy,
This day has been hanging over my head like a dark and threatening rain cloud. For several weeks the thunder has been rumbling inside of me, warning me of a devastating storm.
Today is your birthday and it is also your angelversary. This year it has hit me much harder than years past. I don't know why. My heart, soul, mind, and body just ache for you. I want to hold you. I want to count your eyelashes while you sleep. I want to paint your toes and play with your hair.
Jax fell asleep on me last week and as I stared at his precious face I became overwhelmed by my grief for you, Daisy. It hit me so hard that I had never been able to cuddle you like that. Tears flowed.
For the last week or so I have this heaving feeling. I don't know how else to explain it...maybe this is what hyperventilating is? Anyway it's this feeling that comes out of nowhere and my body starts to shake and my stomach contracts repeatedly and I feel like I can't breathe. I want you.
This year your birthday is so incredibly hard for me. I wish that your death date was different from your birthdate so badly! I think that if they were separate days I might be able to truly celebrate his day but I just can't, not fully.
I have been thinking about how three years ago, yesterday, I was so hopeful and innocent, so happy and lucky to live this life of mine. And then the next day came and I changed into a different person, a nervous person, an anxious person, a person who has closed herself off emotionally from the people closest to her.
I've been having nightmares and visions of my children dying and they torment me. I have prayed endlessly for them to stop but they keep coming. I need you to give me some comfort, Daisy. I wish you could!
I know that you are dancing with Jesus, Daisy, and that one day I will be too. That brings me peace most days but my earthly longing is overpowering at times and now is one of those times.
"My mind knows you are in a better place where there is no pain. You are at peace. I understand that. I just wish I could explain that to my heart." -Michelle Russell
I love you, Daisy, and I'll never stop. Happy 3rd birthday, baby girl.
Love, Mommy
