I have always felt like I haven't had much time to grieve you. But today I will have many hours alone as I drive to and from San Angelo and I'll admit, its a little frightening to be by myself with this heartache.
2years. It's been a whirlwind. When you left my womb, Daisy, it felt empty. Totally and completely empty. I felt hollow. My womb was quickly filled with your brother, Jaxon, whom I love with a passion I never knew I possessed. And while I did not EVER for a second feel like Jaxon was a replacement for you, I can't help but feel sometimes that I didn't allow myself enough time to grieve for you. Did I betray you by loving another baby so soon after you left us?
Daisy, when I look at Jaxon I see your little brother. I am so sad that he won't know you. At least Ella remembers you wiggling in my belly. She remembers making plans for you to join our family. But Jaxon... He doesn't know you. All he will know is that he has a sister in heaven, he will know what we tell him. He will never really know how much we love you., how much joy you brought to our lives for the short period of time that you were with us, how much we miss you, and how grateful we are to have him to brighten our lives after such a dark moment in time.
We went to a birthday party a couple of weekends ago to celebrate a little girl that would be just your age, a little girl that I just knew would be your best friend. Her mother and I had made plans for you to grow up together and when I see her I see you.Jaxon was playing with her and I couldn't help imagining him playing with you, Daisy. Our family is missing you.
I overheard Ella having a conversation with some of her friends the other day. She mentioned that she had a sister. Her friends told her she did not and even kind of tattled to their mother that Ella said she had a sister but she doesn't. Ella stood her ground and explained that she has a sister, but her sister lives in heaven. It is not fair that she has to explain that. It is not fair that you aren't with her to hold her hand so that she can guide you through life.
For the last few days Jaxon has been sick. The first night his fever got very high and I was doing my best to help him and make him comfortable. Ella began to cry suddenly and when I asked her what was wrong, the words burst out of her in a panic. "I'm afraid Jaxon is going to die!" A girl her age shouldn't worry about such things! But in all honesty, Daisy, her words spoke my thoughts. I have these moments of panic several times a day, every single day, often about the silliest things. It's not fair that death is always on our minds.
Daisy, my heart is just as broken today as it was the day you left us. I ache for you. I lie in bed sometimes with visions of a curly headed girl bouncing around my house. It is not fair that I don't get to see you grow up. It is not fair that Jaxon and Ella are missing their sister.
Daisy, we will bake cupcakes tonight for your birthday. They will be pink with glittery sprinkles. I hope that's something you would have liked. I will search through Target today to find the perfect thing to lay on your grave. And when I enter that cemetery I will wish that I was not there. I keep having this goal to be joyous on this day but honestly, I am not joyful. I am sad. I am a little angry. I feel like there is a stack of bricks on my chest. It's hard to breathe without you here.
Daisy, I know that Jesus is helping you celebrate your birthday today in heaven and that he is so happy that you are with him. I am proud of that. I am proud of you. Happy 2nd birthday, Daisy. I wish I could hug you but I would never let go!
Love, mommy
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
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