July

July is my trigger month. I never plan on it. It just happens. It creeps up on me like a lion sneaks up on its prey. It’s like I know the wave is coming hut I just don’t quite have time to grab my raft. Tonight the weight of grief hit me like it hasn’t in years and I had no warning. There was no indication that I might get upset or cry. But I did. Tyler and I reflected on how difficult it has been to deal with the death of our child. When we were dating and even when we got married, we would intertwine our fingers and gaze into each other’s eyes and say, “I don’t know why people say marriage is difficult. Ours will be amazing. There is no way we will have bumps  in our path.” We just couldn’t fathom what could be powerful enough to test our love. What we didn’t take into account is that things could happen OUTSIDE of our control. Our daughter died. It was horrifying and traumatic and tragic. And it still is. And even though there are more good days than bad now, it still hurts us to our cores. There were times where we felt like separate entities. But at the end of it all we found each other and knew we could withstand this test. We sought out our God and found strength in Him and His promises. We honored the pledge we made to each other and Him and came out on the other side. I am so thankful for our marriage and for God’s hand in it. I am thankful for our daughter, Daisy, and the pain we experienced from her death because it strengthened our bond to each other and our reliance on God. Daisy has taught me so much. This life is so much more than my feelings. I KNOW that God has such a wonderful plan for me and my family and I’m grateful everyday for the grace He has shown me.