4 Things I've Learned from Parenting a Rainbow Baby

In case anyone was wondering, parenting a newborn is hard! This Tiny person that the lord entrusted to me cannot do anything for himself. He depends on me fully. These things are a given...people know and understand these things about babies. However, it is often overlooked that you don't really KNOW this new family member. When Jaxon was first born I didn't know what he likes and what he doesn't. I didn't know what annoys him or what calms him. It takes awhile to figure these things out! We are in a good place now though and I feel very in tune with this little guy. I know that he likes to be held upright and he likes to face out so he can see what's going on. I know that he loves to take baths but hates to get out! I am so in love with this boy. 
It hasn't always been bliss though! Here are some things that parenting a rainbow baby has taught me.

1. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me a more patient parent.

Jaxon had a period of time where he was screaming all the live long day. I intentionally didn't say "crying." He was legitimately screaming. When other people's kids cry, it really doesn't bother me, especially after having my own. BUT when my kids cry, I feel it from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes. It is physically painful and emotionally jarring. I was so overwhelmed by his behavior. When I would get frustrated though, I would think of Daisy and all those moments where I WISHED I could have heard her cry. It was then that I would hold him tight and focus on his little warm and wiggly body in my arms and just breathe the moment in. We did figure out the problem and have since fixed it. But that's a whole other blog topic!

2. Parenting a rainbow baby does not make me a perfect parent.

As wonderful as my above response might seem, I am not perfect! There were plenty of times where I had to just put Jax down in his bed and just walk away. I needed space and quiet for a minute or two to recharge. If I allow myself those moments I can better parent going forward, but I feel terrible when I do this! At times I really beat myself up about it. I think about Daisy in those moments as well and I tell myself that I should appreciate him in all of his moments, good and bad, because I could not do so with Daisy. But that's unrealistic. Again, I am not perfect. I also had a lot of trouble parenting Ella upon Jaxon's arrival. I would get frustrated and snappy with her when I normally would not and again I would feel guilty about it, thinking that I should be more appreciative of my living children. But losing one child doesn't make you a perfect parent to the others. 

3. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me over protective because I am so afraid he will die.

This one is tough to talk about. First off, I know it's irrational but that realization doesn't lessen my fear. When Ella was a baby we co-slept, pillows and loose blankets and all (gasp!) She also slept on her tummy. I didn't lower her crib mattress when I was supposed to. The list goes on and on of the rules I broke. At the time that's what worked for us. I felt comfortable with those choices because I just knew that MY baby would not die of SIDS, my baby would not suffocate, my baby would not suffer a serious injury. Now I unfortunately know that the worst CAN happen. I swaddle Jax. He sleeps in his pack n play every night. I wake up to check his breathing. We had an outbreak of pertussis (whooping cough) in my community right around the time Jax was born, and he was exposed at 6 days old. I was sick over this for weeks! All I could do was watch him closely and hope he didn't begin to cough. Thank goodness for vaccines! I chose to get the tdap vaccine while pregnant and it protected Jaxon from this life threatening illness. But for weeks Tyler and I were on pins and needles, freaking out over the slightest odd sounding noise from Jaxon's little body. I imagine the worst at all times! I'm just terrified of losing him and I want to protect him from everything. 

4. Parenting a rainbow baby is a blessing from God.

When I look at his sweet face, I see a gift from The Lord. He radiates goodness and love. I am so blessed to have this boy and I will try my best to never take him for granted. I know that God has big plans for this child and I am excited to be a part of that. I thank The Lord every moment for my precious Jax!

Now a little update on Jaxon: He is perfect! He is sleeping a 7-8 hour stretch at night and is gaining weight like crazy. He just went in for his 2 month check up and is 13 lbs 11 ounces and 23 and a quarter inch long. He is sweet and cuddly. He loves his momma, taking baths, and his swing. He does not like getting out of the bath or riding in the car. He brings us lots and lots of joy!

Jaxon's birth story

On Tuesday August 18th, I had contractions all day that were 3-5 minutes apart. They were not painful, only uncomfortable, and in fact I only started timing them because I noticed I was having quite a few. I tried taking a bath but the contractions persisted. I tried resting, but they continued. I tried walking, yet the contractions did not wane. I took Ella to my mom's for a sleepover because I had a doctor's appointment the next day and did not want to take her with me. When I got there my mom told me to call my doctor but by that point it was close to 5 o'clock and no one answered. since my contractions were not painful I didn't think I needed to go to the hospital.

I went to bed that evening around 11 pm thinking that I would probably be admitted to the hospital the following day. I was right, just not in the way I thought! I slept very restlessly and at 1:45 am I got up to use the restroom. At that time I knew something wasn't right. I told Tyler we needed to go to the hospital. I'm very much a planner so we had hospital bags for the two of us packed and ready to go in the car. The car seat was already installed and the baby's diaper bag was loaded in the car as well. It took Tyler and I about a minute or two to get dressed. By the time I got to the pickup I could barely walk! We live on a dirt road and by the time we got to the paved road, I was in excruciating pain. I knew I wasn't going to make it to Temple. (Back story: Due to Daisy's still birth and compications, I was seeing a Maternal/Fetal Medicine specialist in Temple which is an hour and 45 minutes from my house.) I called the hospital in Lampasas (the nearest hospital) and asked for their labor and delivery department. They informed me that they do not have one and do not deliver babies. I hung up the phone and then had another contraction. I handed the phone to Tyler, telling him that he needed to call them again and tell them that they would be delivering a baby that night! We made it to Lampasas in record time and they were waiting for us outside. Upon arrival I asked (begged!) for pain medication. The doctor checked me out and said no! I was already fully dilated and ready to go! They did not have an ultrasound machine or monitors. The only monitor we had was the doppler. They were not very experienced using it and it took forever for them to find my baby's heartbeat. It made me so anxious. I kept thinking...not again! I can't lose this baby! But alas they found his heartbeat and I could focus on the task at hand.As I labored I did not get much feedback from the doctor or nurses. Usually when you have a baby, they tell you when to push and for how long. They cheer you on. They encourage you. They tell you when the baby is crowning. None of this was relayed to me. I had to just totally rely on my body and my instincts. My labor was quick and I'm so glad because it was by far the most painful experience of my life. I still can't even believe that I did that! It's hard to believe that I am capable of something like that.

My baby boy was born on August 19th at 3:15 am, just an hour and a half from the time I woke up. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice. I was scared but the doctor quickly unraveled it and all was well with my son. The best thing about giving birth is that moment when the baby comes out. Not only are you filled with euphoria from the experience of seeing your child for the first time, but you feel instant relief from the pain. It is not a gradual release of pain. It is there at its peak and then gone suddenly. It's amazing!

Jaxon Tel Owen weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 21.5 inches long. He was beautiful and perfect and snuggly from the start. We were put in an ambulance and sent to Temple and then came home the next day.



Jaxon is now 3 weeks old and a momma's boy! His likes to NURSE, look at mom's face, listen to Ella sing, get his feet rubbed, be swaddled, and sleep in his wrap. He does not like having dirty diapers or sitting in his bouncer. He weighs 10 pounds 8 ounces already and sleeps 3 hours at a time at night (usually.) My boy could not be more loved.

Let go, let God

This last week has been a roller coaster! I went to the doctor on Wednesday and was dilated 4 cm and completely effaced! We were all in shock. The doctor told me that at this point if I have any pain at all or just feel weird I need to come in to L&D. Since I live two hours from the hospital he wrote in my chart that they are not allowed to send me home. So we went home Wednesday afternoon to wait...

The whole week I have been on high alert. Every twinge, ache, pain, and contraction have had me on pins and needles wondering if "this is it." I have been slowly driving myself crazy! I have been moody, emotional, stressed, and nervous. Tyler has been doing a good job of bringing me back down to earth and reminding me to trust that God will help me through this.

I have been praying for God to give me clarity and patience while I wait for this sweet baby to make his earthly arrival. And let me tell you, The Lord has been working on hard on my heart and mind. I have felt a sense of peace and calmness over the last two days. I am ready to give this to God! We forget that God tells us not to worry about things and that we should let Him do the work. That is what I have been struggling to do but have finally let go! It is so freeing and I am so glad that I have a relationship with God that is full of trust and love. We will be adding to our family any day now and I am trying my best to be patient and just enjoy these last few moments before he arrives.  I truly cannot wait to see what God has in store for me and my family!

Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Love Lifted Me

People often tell me how strong I am and they say things like, "I don't know how you do it." People ask me how I get through it and I don't often know what to say. I don't think I deserve the credit. The only thing that has gotten me through the loss of my daughter is LOVE. 

I don't actually mean earthly love though. Even though I have received a lot of love and support from friends and my amazing family, it is not what got me through this. There is a song we sing in church that goes, "Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would do, love lifted me." THAT is the love I'm referring to. God's love lifted me out of the depths of grief, anxiety, sadness, and depression. Even though I had a big earthly support system, it just "wouldn't do." I prayed while my daughter died. I prayed while I gave birth to her. I prayed on my knees in the days following her death. I prayed on the way to her funeral. God never failed me. When I needed extra strength, God gave it to me. When I was confused and needed peace, God delivered. When I was angry, God calmed me. 

When Daisy died, I was surrounded by people who love and support me. But there comes a time when people have to return to their own lives. I could not do that. My life would never be what it once was. When I returned home, my house felt empty. When I went out in public I felt raw, as though my skin had been peeled off and every one could see my wounds. When I received phone calls, I felt panicked that I would have to tell someone about what had happened to me. I had constant, debilitating anxiety for a long time. When I was at my weakest moment, though, and I had not one person with me 24/7 like I needed, God was there. He never left me. I could talk to God at any time and he always helped me. He eased my worries and calmed my heart. His love lifted me. His love carried me through those dark moments. 

I do not deserve the credit for being strong. God gave me that strength. If I credit myself with anything though, it is that I have faith and trust in God. It has not always been easy but I have chosen that path and have received a bounty of blessings because of it! Glory be to God for all of the wonderful things he has done in and with my life. 

Fear

I think when labor looms near almost every woman experiences an element of fear. If it's your first baby, it's fear of the unknown. If you are more experienced you are scared of what you DO know! 

What I know about labor is different than what a lot of women know. I know about the physical pain, yet that is not what scares me. I can deal with that part. It only lasts a few hours. But the emotional pain I know about is everlasting and impossible to recover from. I know how fragile a baby's life is. I know that labor can be the beginning of the end. I know that labor does not always have a happy ending. I know that hospitals can't always be trusted. I know that doctors don't know it all and sometimes they make the wrong call.

I will be having my third child soon and I am afraid. I am afraid that, once again, I will not bring a baby home. I tell myself all the time that he WILL be fine. I have prepared his room, built his baby "things," washed his clothing, and prayed endlessly for him. Even though these things soothe my fear, they do not eradicate it. I have anxiety about going into labor. I do not want to experience the same devastation and heartbreak as I did last summer. I do not know how I could possibly recover from that.

I am (mostly) confident that this baby will live and will bring us great joy, but I don't think I will be fully confident until he is in my arms, alive and well. 

Since the death of my daughter I have had an irrational fear of my other children dying. I imagine all sorts of scenarios in which there is no happy ending. I pray about this more than anything. I seek comfort and peace in The Lord. It does help! I just wish I could shake this nagging fear completely. But maybe that's just what happens when you have been traumatized by a tragic event. It's kind of like a defense mechanism I guess. I over analyze daily activities in the hopes that I can intervene before the unthinkable occurs again. 

I pray that as my "Labor Day" approaches, I will allow the Lord to comfort me and ease my anxieties. I pray that I will be confident that my child will survive. I pray that he will be healthy and strong. I pray that I can focus on my little guy and not on his sister when that day arrives. I want it to be HIS day...unclouded by the memory of his sister. Even as I struggle to overcome these issues, I truly am excited to meet this little boy! I can't wait to see his face and hold his tiny body. Those images are helping me keep pressing onward!

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for THOU ART WITH ME. Thy rod and thy staff, they COMFORT me.

Waiting on God's perfect timing

I am a pretty patient person for the most part but pregnancy really tests me. When I was pregnant with Ella I was crawling out of my skin with anticipation! I couldn't wait to get my hands on her! When I was pregnant with Daisy I was very patient. I cherished that pregnancy and savored every little moment...well most moments anyway!  I have been pretty patient with this pregnancy also BUT I am so over it now. I love feeling his little wiggles but if I'm being honest, I want him to wiggle outside of the womb. I want to see his face and kiss his toes. I want to soothe his cries and witness his first giggles. I have been waiting a long time for a baby after all.

 I wanted to begin trying to have a baby back in 2012 but the timing wasn't right. Then when we did begin trying in 2013, it took awhile for us to finally conceive our precious Daisy. Alas, we did not get to bring her home despite 8 months of pregnancy. I have been anticipating a baby for 2 years! I have 3-4 weeks left of pregnancy (or less if he so chooses.) It seems like an eternity to me at the moment. I know I will look back on this in a month and it will feel very differently but gosh, I want my baby! 

If I learned anything from my daughter's death, though, it is that God has His own plans for me and my family. I am trying very hard to get through this impatience with prayer. Lots and lots of it! I need to trust that God will bring this baby into my life at just the right moment. 

Ella is starting school this year and she has Meet the Teacher on the 21st. She begins school on the 24th and I am due on the 26th. I am just so worried that I won't be able to be there for those special moments. We have lots of support so I know getting her to those events is no problem but I desperately want to be there too. She is very nervous about starting school and I want to hold her hand and hug her tight and support her through this difficult (but exciting) time in her life. I don't want her to feel as though I am choosing her brother over her. I have been praying about this so much. I just want to be the best mom I can be to all of my children!

A letter to Daisy on her birthday

Dear Daisy,

Happy first birthday to my beautiful baby girl! I cannot help but imagine what you would be like if you were here today. I imagine you toddling around, chasing after Ella, giggling and showing off a few new teeth. 

I am so happy for you that you are spending this birthday and all of your birthdays to come with Jesus! You are so blessed to have never known any of the pain, sadness, or sickness of this world. You left this world safe and warm and loved, tucked inside my womb.

 For me though, I am sad that you aren't here! Today started out rough for me. I couldn't sleep and so I got up at 5am and sat on the porch awaiting the sunrise. My tears streamed silently for you. Later my sobs became uncontrollable and gut wrenching. I am so HURT that you are gone. I feel an emptiness inside of my heart where you should be. 

When Ella woke up I was reminded that we had plans to celebrate you today, Daisy, not mourn you. We went to the cemetery and Ella gave you a very cute heart shaped wreath with some beautiful roses and a teddy bear attached. She is so proud to be your big sister, even though you're not here with us. She loves you and misses you so much! Daddy and I gave you some pink daisies and some birthday balloons. We are so blessed to be your parents. We came home and made you a cake and some homemade ice cream. All three of us pitched in. 

We wish so badly that you could be here to have cake with us. I wish I was throwing you a big birthday bash! We would have had so much fun. No matter how hard I try to make this day special and happy, it has a sad undertone and it always will. 

I love you, Daisy, and I am excited to hug you and squeeze you one day in heaven! 

Love, Mommy