I got 99 problems, and sleep is 98 of 'em....

I am really struggling right now with sleep or the lack there of. Jaxon was a great sleeper at first. By ten weeks old he was sleeping 8 hour stretches...sometimes longer! Then in November he got sick with a cold that he couldn't shake for weeks. It totally disrupted his sleep patterns and he began waking every two hours. As soon as he got over the cold, he started teething and so the problems persisted. Now he is habitually waking as he wakes the same times every night. He goes down between 6 and 7, wakes at 1030, 1230, 230, 430. It's killing me. I'm not getting more than an hour of sleep at a time. My patience is wearing thin. My body is tired. My eyes burn all day. I can't complete tasks at home. I forget things almost immediately.  All I think about is sleeping!

For the last two weeks I've been trying to do modified cry it out to eliminate one wake up at a time. I go in after 5-10 minutes and calm him without picking him up and then leave. The first week it seemed to be working. He even slept from 11-4 one night. It was amazing!!!!! But this week we are back to waking up every 1-2 hours. Right now at 2:30 AM I am nursing a baby who has been awake since 12:30. I give up. I just want to cry. 

Everything in my body is screaming, "I can't do this anymore!" But then I have the frightening realization that I have no choice. I am this baby's mother. 

I have nothing positive to say in this post which is hard because I usually find ways to lift myself up through my writing. I'm just so tired that I feel like I might die and there's no good in that. I love my baby though. He's really cute and so sweet. Ahh there it is...❤️

Stress and Blessings

I am under a lot of pressure right now...at work, at home, as a mother, as a wife. I am doing so many things but none of them WELL! I am trying my best to keep my head above water.

At work we are prepping for the devil...um I mean the STAAR test. I am calling conferences with parents and I will begin tutorials next week. Since I am responsible for four STAAR tests I will be pulling kids 4 days a week. I will do this during my conference period. When the kids leave I will have a few minutes left to pump. (I am still breastfeeding.) I pump at lunch also while I'm eating and then I pull kids into my room for lunch detention. I have no breaks. I have no time. I am going going going all day. Then I race to get my kids which takes an hour round trip because they are 20 miles away. I get home and spend a few minutes with my kids. I attempt to cook. I don't clean. I bathe them and put them to bed in shifts. I pass out shortly after. Some days we have church or school projects to do as well. Tyler is never home..he has a lot going on at work right now and doesn't get home until late. And he's been guiding hunts on the weekends, so I'm by myself.  I am stressed!

In times of great stress like this I tend to just retreat slowly. I back away and then suddenly sprint in the other direction! I usually get inside my head and I can easily get down. Lately I have been having these aching feelings of missing Daisy. I see kids her age (how old she would be now) and it hurts. I know that I am in a place of vulnerability right now and so I have been pushing all thoughts of her out of my head and out of my heart. Well not so much pushing, as SHOVING to the ground and walking away. I don't want to sink my boat when I gave worked so hard to patch it up!

So we were at Wednesday night church last week and we sang the song, "Blessed be Your Name." The lyrics spoke to my heart. One of the verses goes like this:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

When I heard that I thought, "Yes! My road is STILL marked with suffering. And I feel like Daisy was an offering in a way. There was (and is) great pain in giving her to Jesus. BUT no matter what I'm feeling or going through, The Lord's name is blessed! "

And then the next part goes like this: 

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

I hope that I praise the Lord every time he blesses me but I know I fail at that. I just want His light to shine through me! When I think of the blessings poured on me from God I think of Jaxon. I know I'm blessed in many other ways but MAN this kid is a big blessing! I thank God every day for this precious boy! 

We dedicated our children to God last Sunday and I couldn't help feeling incomplete standing in front of the church as a family. When I came home it was still bothering me and I prayed about it. I realized that I already gave Daisy to God and even though it wasn't my choice I gave her fully and with my whole heart, knowing that she was blessed.

Blessings come in all forms. They don't just come in happy times. My daughter is a blessing to me and to others who have learned from her beautiful limited life. Her light shines bright in my family. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 2 Corinthians 13:14

Listen to this awesome song here:
http://www.worshiptogether.com/songs/blessed-be-your-name/#

Happy new year!

I came across this Facebook memory from last year:

2014 was a roller coaster. It started out great! I was happy, healthy, and pregnant with the baby that would complete my family. Everything was going exactly how I planned. Life was perfect. And then July 12th came...the worst day of my life. It's frightening how one day, one event, can change every part of who you are for the rest of your life. Shortly after that Tyler got a new job that has been the biggest blessing we could've asked for and other parts of our life are starting to look up. I am entering 2015 with HOPE, faith, and lots of prayer.

It really got me thinking...reflecting on how I felt last year and how things are very different now.

This time last year I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Jaxon. I had known for a few weeks and I wasn't telling anyone (other than my husband of course.) I was terrified. We had wanted this baby and had been trying to conceive. I had had a chemical pregnancy in late September and so I was preparing myself for a miscarriage. I was not excited. 

Now don't get me wrong, I was happy. I felt blessed. I was grateful. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. But "excited" is not a word I would use to describe my feelings about that pregnancy. Scared, worried, anxious, uncertain, guarded, protective...those words more accurately describe what I was feeling.

When I put myself back in that hazy, lonely place of grief, I am astounded on how far I have come. I am no longer living in a fog. I have learned how to manage my grief. I have been able to turn my loss into something positive. I have grown as a Christian, as a mother, as a wife. 

Our family has grown this year to include the sweetest little bundle of joy wrapped up inside the most handsome little package! Jaxon has brought our family so much happiness. He is the perfect addition to our household. We are all thoroughly enjoying watching him grow each day. 

Although 2015 began on shaky ground, I think that I'm starting 2016 with a firm stance. I am stronger, happier, and blessed. My heart is full. I will never go a single day without thinking of my precious Daisy but I know how richly the lord has blessed me and I praise Him for those blessings.

I am excited about 2016! I am ready for whatever it has to throw me. I am making family my absolute number one priority and nothing will come before them. I look forward to hugs and kisses, laughter and tears. Happy new year to you all! But remember it will only be as happy as you allow it to be. 

Psalm 28:7, NLT The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

mom of the year?

I want to be the most involved mom ever. I want to be at every award ceremony, every play, every game. I want to make the cutest little Pinterest snack at the Christmas party. I want to bake fresh cookies. I want to see my daughters eyes light up when I come into her classroom.  I want to volunteer at her school. I want to do it all! But I can't. The sacrifices of a working mom are huge. I am really struggling with that right now. Ella has her first Christmas program andChristmas party next Friday. I am so excited for her! I am going to try my best to be at her program but there is no way I can be at her party too because it's a teacher work day at my school. My husband tells me, "You can't do it all," but I can't help wanting to. It frustrates me to know that many parents don't care to do these things. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not for everyone. But it IS for me! I love things like that. A group text was sent out about Ella's Christmas party and ways that parents could help. I thought that since I couldn't be there I would do that cutesT thing that was offered. But by the time I received the text (when I got off work) all the fun things had been spoken for. I'm bringing Ziploc bags and paper towels. Boring. I know I should be happy that I don't have to do much work but I'm disappointed because I enjoy doing mom-of-the-year type things. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I never thought I would be the mom bringing the paper towels and Ziploc bags! And again there's nothing wrong with that because not everyone likes to do the cutesy stuff. Not everyone likes to be surrounded by 23 preschoolers hyped up on sugar and ready for Christmas break. But I do. I hope it doesn't hurt my daughter's feelings that I'm not at her party. I hope she understands. 

My life as a working mom part two

I am sad. I am sad because I love to cook but I don't have time! I rush to get out of work by 4 so I can drive twenty miles to pick up my kids and drive twenty miles back home. I get home around 5. Even if I think ahead and have something thawed out, I can't cook because this is the time of day when Jaxon  is fussy and tired. He misses his momma and wants to be held. He used to love being worn but lately that's not his thing. So here I am trying to cook one handed and not burn the baby while Ella is making messes everywhere she can. The result of all of this is that my family is eating lots of pizza and other frozen foods. Even my quick and easy meals are too much when I'm trying to do it one handed. I would probably let Jax  fuss a bit if I was home all day with him but I just can't bear it since I don't get to spend much time with him. I feel like I'm failing my husband by not providing him a hearty meal each night. I also know that we are not eating healthy and that kills me! I don't know how other working moms cook for their families. Maybe they don't?

So when the pizza gets done in the oven it's time for Jaxon to take a bath and go to bed. As soon as he goes down its Ella's turn. Then I eat dinner by myself since everyone ate while I put Jaxon to bed. I sometimes clean but often I skip it because I'm so tired. Then I shower. Then I have to pump. By the time all that's done it's usually 9 o clock and I struggle to keep my eyes open to watch half an hour of tv.  Do working moms really keep their houses clean? 

Before I had Jax the laundry was ALWAYS done and put away. Now it's in a big unfolded pile in my living room! Do working moms keep up with laundry?

My messy bun carried the slight aroma of rotten milk today because Jaxon  spit up in my hair this morning and I didn't have time to shower before work. Do working moms look nice?

I have to admit that even though I don't have a spare second to do anything and even though I am averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, I am happy. Tired, smelly, and messy but happy!

My life as a working mom

Week one has been rough. Monday morning I cried and cried and cried! I just can't help thinking that Jaxon feels abandoned. When I had Ella I stayed home with her until she was almost 2 years old. I never had to go through this separation anxiety. I was there for every single one of Ella's milestones, large and small. I knew exactly when and what she ate. I knew every new sound, giggle, or gurgle. I spent so much time with that little lady! This whole "don't see your kid for 10 plus hours a day" thing is new to me and I don't like it! 

My fear of Jaxon dying is through the roof right now because I am not with him keeping him safe. It is killing me. Im sure it will get easier but it's HARD right now. 

Another thing that is tough is that for me, my whole life has changed, but for everyone else it has stayed the same. I don't expect to get special treatment because I have young children but at the same time I have to step back a little from the things I normally do. I am afraid it will be viewed by others that I am slacking off and it couldn't be further from the truth! I simply have to make MY children my priority. My students just cannot come first. As much as I love them, I love my children more. I tend to volunteer for a lot of extra things at school because I am passionate about my job and my students and Cherokee. But now I know I need to step back a little and it's hard for me to do that. 

One of my coworkers shared this with me the other day after a conversation we had about my struggle to balance being a great teacher AND a great mom:

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭6:10‬ ‭

This verse comforts me when I feel the intense guilt of leaving my baby each day to be a working mom. My job is important. I make a difference! I'm not leaving my kids for fun. I'm not leaving them to go to a meaningless job. I work hard to help my students and their parents. I try my best to help the people I work with so that our school can be the best it can be. I know that in the long run, I will be happy with my decision to be a working mom. I know that I am using the gifts God has given me...the gifts of words, compassion, patience, love, and intelligence. He has given me the special gift of being able to talk to children and I try to glorify him each day through that gift. 

I hope one day my kids will look at me and admire my ability to touch children's lives. I hope they will know how much I love them. I hope they will see how I try to maximize my time with them each day. I hope that I am able to make the most of each precious moment with them.

Right now I feel like I'm working so hard to be a teacher, mom, wife, cook, and housekeeper but I'm doing none of them well. I feel like I am in the ocean struggling to reach the surface. I am prayerful that I can swim my way to the top of the water and look around to see calm waters. I am so blessed to have this life and I know things will get easier as we settle into our new normal. Despite the challenges and difficulties I'm facing right now, I am the happiest woman in the world! I am so in love with my baby boy. I am happily married to my best friend. I have a spunky daughter that keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh harder than anyone else. I am a blessed person!

4 Things I've Learned from Parenting a Rainbow Baby

In case anyone was wondering, parenting a newborn is hard! This Tiny person that the lord entrusted to me cannot do anything for himself. He depends on me fully. These things are a given...people know and understand these things about babies. However, it is often overlooked that you don't really KNOW this new family member. When Jaxon was first born I didn't know what he likes and what he doesn't. I didn't know what annoys him or what calms him. It takes awhile to figure these things out! We are in a good place now though and I feel very in tune with this little guy. I know that he likes to be held upright and he likes to face out so he can see what's going on. I know that he loves to take baths but hates to get out! I am so in love with this boy. 
It hasn't always been bliss though! Here are some things that parenting a rainbow baby has taught me.

1. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me a more patient parent.

Jaxon had a period of time where he was screaming all the live long day. I intentionally didn't say "crying." He was legitimately screaming. When other people's kids cry, it really doesn't bother me, especially after having my own. BUT when my kids cry, I feel it from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes. It is physically painful and emotionally jarring. I was so overwhelmed by his behavior. When I would get frustrated though, I would think of Daisy and all those moments where I WISHED I could have heard her cry. It was then that I would hold him tight and focus on his little warm and wiggly body in my arms and just breathe the moment in. We did figure out the problem and have since fixed it. But that's a whole other blog topic!

2. Parenting a rainbow baby does not make me a perfect parent.

As wonderful as my above response might seem, I am not perfect! There were plenty of times where I had to just put Jax down in his bed and just walk away. I needed space and quiet for a minute or two to recharge. If I allow myself those moments I can better parent going forward, but I feel terrible when I do this! At times I really beat myself up about it. I think about Daisy in those moments as well and I tell myself that I should appreciate him in all of his moments, good and bad, because I could not do so with Daisy. But that's unrealistic. Again, I am not perfect. I also had a lot of trouble parenting Ella upon Jaxon's arrival. I would get frustrated and snappy with her when I normally would not and again I would feel guilty about it, thinking that I should be more appreciative of my living children. But losing one child doesn't make you a perfect parent to the others. 

3. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me over protective because I am so afraid he will die.

This one is tough to talk about. First off, I know it's irrational but that realization doesn't lessen my fear. When Ella was a baby we co-slept, pillows and loose blankets and all (gasp!) She also slept on her tummy. I didn't lower her crib mattress when I was supposed to. The list goes on and on of the rules I broke. At the time that's what worked for us. I felt comfortable with those choices because I just knew that MY baby would not die of SIDS, my baby would not suffocate, my baby would not suffer a serious injury. Now I unfortunately know that the worst CAN happen. I swaddle Jax. He sleeps in his pack n play every night. I wake up to check his breathing. We had an outbreak of pertussis (whooping cough) in my community right around the time Jax was born, and he was exposed at 6 days old. I was sick over this for weeks! All I could do was watch him closely and hope he didn't begin to cough. Thank goodness for vaccines! I chose to get the tdap vaccine while pregnant and it protected Jaxon from this life threatening illness. But for weeks Tyler and I were on pins and needles, freaking out over the slightest odd sounding noise from Jaxon's little body. I imagine the worst at all times! I'm just terrified of losing him and I want to protect him from everything. 

4. Parenting a rainbow baby is a blessing from God.

When I look at his sweet face, I see a gift from The Lord. He radiates goodness and love. I am so blessed to have this boy and I will try my best to never take him for granted. I know that God has big plans for this child and I am excited to be a part of that. I thank The Lord every moment for my precious Jax!

Now a little update on Jaxon: He is perfect! He is sleeping a 7-8 hour stretch at night and is gaining weight like crazy. He just went in for his 2 month check up and is 13 lbs 11 ounces and 23 and a quarter inch long. He is sweet and cuddly. He loves his momma, taking baths, and his swing. He does not like getting out of the bath or riding in the car. He brings us lots and lots of joy!