Let go, let God

This last week has been a roller coaster! I went to the doctor on Wednesday and was dilated 4 cm and completely effaced! We were all in shock. The doctor told me that at this point if I have any pain at all or just feel weird I need to come in to L&D. Since I live two hours from the hospital he wrote in my chart that they are not allowed to send me home. So we went home Wednesday afternoon to wait...

The whole week I have been on high alert. Every twinge, ache, pain, and contraction have had me on pins and needles wondering if "this is it." I have been slowly driving myself crazy! I have been moody, emotional, stressed, and nervous. Tyler has been doing a good job of bringing me back down to earth and reminding me to trust that God will help me through this.

I have been praying for God to give me clarity and patience while I wait for this sweet baby to make his earthly arrival. And let me tell you, The Lord has been working on hard on my heart and mind. I have felt a sense of peace and calmness over the last two days. I am ready to give this to God! We forget that God tells us not to worry about things and that we should let Him do the work. That is what I have been struggling to do but have finally let go! It is so freeing and I am so glad that I have a relationship with God that is full of trust and love. We will be adding to our family any day now and I am trying my best to be patient and just enjoy these last few moments before he arrives.  I truly cannot wait to see what God has in store for me and my family!

Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Love Lifted Me

People often tell me how strong I am and they say things like, "I don't know how you do it." People ask me how I get through it and I don't often know what to say. I don't think I deserve the credit. The only thing that has gotten me through the loss of my daughter is LOVE. 

I don't actually mean earthly love though. Even though I have received a lot of love and support from friends and my amazing family, it is not what got me through this. There is a song we sing in church that goes, "Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would do, love lifted me." THAT is the love I'm referring to. God's love lifted me out of the depths of grief, anxiety, sadness, and depression. Even though I had a big earthly support system, it just "wouldn't do." I prayed while my daughter died. I prayed while I gave birth to her. I prayed on my knees in the days following her death. I prayed on the way to her funeral. God never failed me. When I needed extra strength, God gave it to me. When I was confused and needed peace, God delivered. When I was angry, God calmed me. 

When Daisy died, I was surrounded by people who love and support me. But there comes a time when people have to return to their own lives. I could not do that. My life would never be what it once was. When I returned home, my house felt empty. When I went out in public I felt raw, as though my skin had been peeled off and every one could see my wounds. When I received phone calls, I felt panicked that I would have to tell someone about what had happened to me. I had constant, debilitating anxiety for a long time. When I was at my weakest moment, though, and I had not one person with me 24/7 like I needed, God was there. He never left me. I could talk to God at any time and he always helped me. He eased my worries and calmed my heart. His love lifted me. His love carried me through those dark moments. 

I do not deserve the credit for being strong. God gave me that strength. If I credit myself with anything though, it is that I have faith and trust in God. It has not always been easy but I have chosen that path and have received a bounty of blessings because of it! Glory be to God for all of the wonderful things he has done in and with my life. 

Fear

I think when labor looms near almost every woman experiences an element of fear. If it's your first baby, it's fear of the unknown. If you are more experienced you are scared of what you DO know! 

What I know about labor is different than what a lot of women know. I know about the physical pain, yet that is not what scares me. I can deal with that part. It only lasts a few hours. But the emotional pain I know about is everlasting and impossible to recover from. I know how fragile a baby's life is. I know that labor can be the beginning of the end. I know that labor does not always have a happy ending. I know that hospitals can't always be trusted. I know that doctors don't know it all and sometimes they make the wrong call.

I will be having my third child soon and I am afraid. I am afraid that, once again, I will not bring a baby home. I tell myself all the time that he WILL be fine. I have prepared his room, built his baby "things," washed his clothing, and prayed endlessly for him. Even though these things soothe my fear, they do not eradicate it. I have anxiety about going into labor. I do not want to experience the same devastation and heartbreak as I did last summer. I do not know how I could possibly recover from that.

I am (mostly) confident that this baby will live and will bring us great joy, but I don't think I will be fully confident until he is in my arms, alive and well. 

Since the death of my daughter I have had an irrational fear of my other children dying. I imagine all sorts of scenarios in which there is no happy ending. I pray about this more than anything. I seek comfort and peace in The Lord. It does help! I just wish I could shake this nagging fear completely. But maybe that's just what happens when you have been traumatized by a tragic event. It's kind of like a defense mechanism I guess. I over analyze daily activities in the hopes that I can intervene before the unthinkable occurs again. 

I pray that as my "Labor Day" approaches, I will allow the Lord to comfort me and ease my anxieties. I pray that I will be confident that my child will survive. I pray that he will be healthy and strong. I pray that I can focus on my little guy and not on his sister when that day arrives. I want it to be HIS day...unclouded by the memory of his sister. Even as I struggle to overcome these issues, I truly am excited to meet this little boy! I can't wait to see his face and hold his tiny body. Those images are helping me keep pressing onward!

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for THOU ART WITH ME. Thy rod and thy staff, they COMFORT me.

Waiting on God's perfect timing

I am a pretty patient person for the most part but pregnancy really tests me. When I was pregnant with Ella I was crawling out of my skin with anticipation! I couldn't wait to get my hands on her! When I was pregnant with Daisy I was very patient. I cherished that pregnancy and savored every little moment...well most moments anyway!  I have been pretty patient with this pregnancy also BUT I am so over it now. I love feeling his little wiggles but if I'm being honest, I want him to wiggle outside of the womb. I want to see his face and kiss his toes. I want to soothe his cries and witness his first giggles. I have been waiting a long time for a baby after all.

 I wanted to begin trying to have a baby back in 2012 but the timing wasn't right. Then when we did begin trying in 2013, it took awhile for us to finally conceive our precious Daisy. Alas, we did not get to bring her home despite 8 months of pregnancy. I have been anticipating a baby for 2 years! I have 3-4 weeks left of pregnancy (or less if he so chooses.) It seems like an eternity to me at the moment. I know I will look back on this in a month and it will feel very differently but gosh, I want my baby! 

If I learned anything from my daughter's death, though, it is that God has His own plans for me and my family. I am trying very hard to get through this impatience with prayer. Lots and lots of it! I need to trust that God will bring this baby into my life at just the right moment. 

Ella is starting school this year and she has Meet the Teacher on the 21st. She begins school on the 24th and I am due on the 26th. I am just so worried that I won't be able to be there for those special moments. We have lots of support so I know getting her to those events is no problem but I desperately want to be there too. She is very nervous about starting school and I want to hold her hand and hug her tight and support her through this difficult (but exciting) time in her life. I don't want her to feel as though I am choosing her brother over her. I have been praying about this so much. I just want to be the best mom I can be to all of my children!

A letter to Daisy on her birthday

Dear Daisy,

Happy first birthday to my beautiful baby girl! I cannot help but imagine what you would be like if you were here today. I imagine you toddling around, chasing after Ella, giggling and showing off a few new teeth. 

I am so happy for you that you are spending this birthday and all of your birthdays to come with Jesus! You are so blessed to have never known any of the pain, sadness, or sickness of this world. You left this world safe and warm and loved, tucked inside my womb.

 For me though, I am sad that you aren't here! Today started out rough for me. I couldn't sleep and so I got up at 5am and sat on the porch awaiting the sunrise. My tears streamed silently for you. Later my sobs became uncontrollable and gut wrenching. I am so HURT that you are gone. I feel an emptiness inside of my heart where you should be. 

When Ella woke up I was reminded that we had plans to celebrate you today, Daisy, not mourn you. We went to the cemetery and Ella gave you a very cute heart shaped wreath with some beautiful roses and a teddy bear attached. She is so proud to be your big sister, even though you're not here with us. She loves you and misses you so much! Daddy and I gave you some pink daisies and some birthday balloons. We are so blessed to be your parents. We came home and made you a cake and some homemade ice cream. All three of us pitched in. 

We wish so badly that you could be here to have cake with us. I wish I was throwing you a big birthday bash! We would have had so much fun. No matter how hard I try to make this day special and happy, it has a sad undertone and it always will. 

I love you, Daisy, and I am excited to hug you and squeeze you one day in heaven! 

Love, Mommy

Bad days

I started blogging when I reached a relatively "good place" in my grief journey. I've been very positive and optimistic but I don't always feel that way. Today is a bad day. There's no real reason. I just can't stop crying. This is hard for me to admit because I want people to see my strength, to have hope. I don't want people to worry about me. 

I am writing this with the main intention of letting people know there is no time limit on grief. And realistically I think grief like this is infinite. I do not think it ever goes away. 

I also believe that you can have bad days where you cry all day long and don't get out of bed and still be "doing good." I've noticed through my grief journey that people will often tell me how good I'm doing or how strong I am and I wonder if lack of emotion is strength. I wonder if the ability to paste a smile on my face in difficult times means I am doing good. Am I strong because I don't let other people into my heart? I want to tell myself and other grieving parents that it's ok to cry, to be sad, to miss what you've lost. It doesn't mean you're taking a downward spiral. It doesn't mean that you are not doing well. All it means is that you loved someone so much that it is unbearable to be without them! 

I don't think I should lay in bed and cry all day. In fact, I don't think I've done that one single time since my daughter died. I think that it's best to pray and read my bible and find strength in The Lord. I think getting up every day and choosing to feel blessed has helped heal me. Finding happiness in the little things is what keeps me going.

All I'm saying is that it's ok to have bad days. I probably need to allow myself more of them, honestly. I talked in my last post about parenting Ella through our grief journey...parenting her doesn't always allow me to have bad days. I don't often have time to grieve. I know that sounds crazy but it's true! It's pretty hard to find a few minutes to myself where I feel comfortable enough to just cry. Today she slept in and it just hit me as though an elephant sat on my chest. I am getting through it with prayer and this blog but I'm also trying to let myself experience the grief. I think it's important to FEEL. 

Loneliness of an only child

One of the more difficult parts of losing Daisy is parenting Ella through it. At first it was because I was trying to do everything "the right way" for her. I didn't want her to see me cry or crumble and so I was strong and tried to be as normal as possible. I had my weak moments, for sure, and still do but over all I think I did a good job of maintaining my composure for her sake.

She had a very hard time with the loss of her sister. For months afterwards she was worried that everything around her would die. It was a very difficult time for us as a family. She began to withdraw from activities she would normally  participate in because, according to her, she wanted her sister to do it with her. We just focused on the fact that Daisy was in the arms of Jesus in heaven and never had to feel pain or sickness, worry or stress. We encouraged Ella to pray when she missed Daisy or wanted to talk to her and that seemed to be the ticket. She really latched onto that idea and would just stop in the middle of the day to "talk" to her sister.

Losing Daisy kept Ella as an only child for an extra year and this was not something we wanted. At all. We wanted Ella to have a sibling LONG ago but it just didn't happen the way we hoped. Ella NEEDS other kids! She is so energetic and imaginative and sometimes playing with mom and dad just doesn't cut it. I have tried my hardest to insert her into activities where I know there will be other kids for her to interact with. Sometimes this is a hard thing to do. I find that other families aren't as desperate to make time for "play dates" because their kids have each other to play with. This is hard for me as a mother. I try to give her plenty of opportunities to play with others. I invite people to do things with us and I hope that we receive invitations to play as well but it seems that it is just Ella most of the time. I wish other people could see how much my daughter needs companionship, how she begs to have other kids to play with, how she cries when play dates don't work out.  It is frustrating and heart breaking! If Daisy were here, Ella would have a walking, talking, laughing little sister to dress up with and play tea party with. Knowing this upsets me. Ella will be starting Pre-K in August and I am so excited for her! She will be able to learn so many new things and will make new friends and I hope that she loves it! I am hopeful that this will help her need for socialization. If we can get through the next 6 weeks or so of summer boredom, I won't feel so guilty about not giving her a sibling sooner. I just feel so sorry for her that she is always around adults! 

We are expecting a baby in a few weeks and I know that it will help Ella with her need for companionship. However Ella was really unhappy with my pregnancy at first. She was not excited as she had been before. She was even more upset when we found out we were having a boy. She would cry and tell me that she didn't want a brother because her sister was "just perfect." She would add that she missed Daisy and wished she were here with us. Ella would get very stressed and worried every time I went to the doctor for a prenatal visit and so we stopped telling her when we would go and/or try not to take her with us. We would just tell her when we returned that everything was good with the baby. Recently she has really come around though! She has to hug and kiss my belly every night before bed and she says she is excited to meet her brother. It is such a relief that she is warming up to the idea because I know she will make a great big sister!  

I can't wait for the day when there are kids (plural!) running around my house laughing and fighting, playing and squealing! Music to my ears!