Deserving God's blessings

You would think being a teacher and having summers off would give me more time for blogging but, man oh man, have we been busy! I'm on the school's site based committee whose main responsibility is conducting interviews so we have had to do interviews 2 days a week thus far. Luckily we are done with all of that! I've also been going to San Angelo for workshops. I tried to schedule all of them as early as possible so that I wouldn't be huge and pregnant traveling far from my hospital! On top of that Ella attended Vacation Bible School at 2 churches, one of which I was a volunteer for. 

I had a baby shower a couple of weeks ago and so I have been preparing for my baby boy. I've been cleaning and organizing all of his new things. Next week I will be painting the kids' room and moving Ella's new bed in. 

Preparing for this baby has been so much fun, so relaxing. I feel that The Lord has really eased my anxieties about losing this baby and I feel confident that I will bring him home! I am so blessed to have him growing and wiggling inside of my belly. I am trying to cherish every single moment...which anyone who's ever been pregnant knows is a pretty hard thing to do! 

However, at times I get scared and panicked and start imagining how I will deal with it if he dies too. I read an article a couple of weeks ago about mothers who have lost infants and there was one thing that really stood out to me. The woman said that she wished she had the same excited innocence as she had once had about her pregnancy and labor and delivery. I sooooo agree! I feel like my feelings are so tainted by the tragedy that I went through that it can be difficult to just be flat-out, pure and sweet, EXCITED! I have so many friends having babies right now and every time one of them announces they are in labor, I am on pins and needles until I get confirmation that their babies are ok. I pray endlessly and I worry constantly. I think, "If they only knew what I know, they wouldn't post this or that." But I don't want them to know all that! I don't want their excitement to be diminished. I don't want them to know what this is like. I was so unguarded with my previous pregnancies and I don't regret it. On the same note though, I have to force myself to post things about my current pregnancy. I don't want to look back and regret NOT posting and allowing myself to be happy. I should be documenting this gift from God.

 In a bible study I did awhile ago, it talked about being deserving of blessings. The thing is we DON'T deserve God's grace or His blessings. However, God wants to give us these things and we need to accept them. Can you imagine receiving a gift from your father, a heartfelt gift given for no reason, and saying,"Oh no. You keep it. I'm too broken to accept."? Of course not! You would accept the gift humbly and feel good that he was thinking of you. I have prayed a lot about accepting God's blessings and I know that God wants me to be happy. I know that He has given this baby to me as a precious gift.

I thank God every single day for this boy! I canNOT wait to hold him, nurse him, play with him. I can't wait to see his sweet face. I can't wait to raise him up knowing that he has a sister watching over him in heaven and a sister protecting him on earth. What a lucky little guy!

1 Corinthians 15:10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 

Daisy's birth story (my experience with vasa previa)

This story starts out as a happy one. I found out I was pregnant with my second child on December 16, 2013. We had been trying to conceive for about 5 months and were very excited to add to our family. I ordered Ella a shirt that said "I'm gonna be a big sister" and she wore it to our family Christmases. Our families were ecstatic, not even knowing we had been thinking about adding to our family. 

I had a normal ultrasound at 7 weeks. I began to feel those precious little bubble bursts in my tummy at 17 weeks. And at 20 weeks we found out we were having a girl and that all was well with our second little princess. From then on everything was going well. My weight was on track. My blood pressure was good, the baby's heart rate was strong, and she was measuring right on time. There was nothing odd about my pregnancy other than some periodic spotting throughout the pregnancy. Every time it happened I called my doctor and he said it was fine and completely normal (even though this had never happened in my first pregnancy.) My whole pregnancy was happy, healthy, and normal. BUT on July 11, 2014, at 33 weeks and 4 days gestation everything drastically changed...

That morning started out normally. Ella asked during breakfast if her sister was coming out that day. I said, "No! It's too early. She'll come out when God's ready for us to meet her." Later that afternoon Ella went to her Granna's to spend the night and Tyler and I made some popcorn and got in bed to watch a movie. A few minutes into the movie I felt a warm trickle in my underwear. I went to the bathroom to investigate, not thinking much of it. I was absolutely shocked to see my underwear completely saturated in blood. I sat on the toilet and blood POURED out of me in a steady stream. I knew we needed to go to the hospital. 

We went to my mother in law's house to pick her up. She drove me to the hospital while Tyler stayed with Ella. I was not in pain. I checked into Llano Scott and White hospital around midnight. They strapped monitors to me and said that a doctor would be there in a few minutes as one of his patients was about to deliver a baby across the hall. The nurses and I noticed that the baby's heart rate was a little unsteady so they put me on oxygen.

Enter Dr. Miller. He did an ultrasound and said everything was fine (wrong). He said the placenta looked normal (wrong) and in the right place so he was unsure as to why I was bleeding. He did notice the umbilical cord was near the baby's neck but not wrapped (red flag!) I began to have contractions 5-6 minutes apart and the baby's heart rate was changing drastically. It would be normal in the 150s and then drop suddenly into the 49s. Dr. Miller ordered a shot to stop my contractions. He didn't want me to deliver because they don't have a NICU in Llano. He said I would be monitored for a few hours and be released in the morning, although he still expressed confusion about her heart rate and the bleeding. I was told by a nurse that Dr. Miller went home at this point.

 My mother in law went to trade places with Tyler. We were not terribly concerned at this point because the nurses and doctors didn't seem to be. I began to doze as the nurses constantly moved the monitors around in my belly trying to find a steady heart beat. Around 6 am Dr. Miller returned. A nurse had called him to come check on me. He said they were going to fly me out to a bigger hospital. I was shocked! He left for a minute and returned saying the helicopter couldn't fly out due to weather....this still confuses me because it was a clear summer morning. 

He says, "We're going to do a c-section now and the baby might not make it. We have St David's NICU on the way but she still might not make it." Tyler hadn't made it to the hospital yet and I was alone. I started crying. I was so scared. They began to prep me for surgery and Dr. Miller did another ultrasound. He was silent. I could tell something was wrong. He looked at me and said, "The baby didn't make it. I'm sorry." About that time Tyler called and I was so hysterical he couldn't understand me. He came to my room and the doctor repeated the devastating news. 

A few minutes later an angel of a nurse, Debbie, came in to tell me they would induce me and I would deliver my baby that day. I told her I wanted an epidural as soon as possible. I did not want any of the pain without the prize at the end. She understood. They also sedated me. I was still aware of what was going on; I just wasn't so hysterical. When my contractions became painful they gave me an epidural but it was useless. I told them it wasn't working but the anesthesiologist was rude and didn't seem to care. I don't know how long I was in active labor but it felt like an eternity. I felt every contraction, every pain of that labor. It was the most horrific experience of my life. 

Our baby girl was born still at 8:23 pm on Saturday July 12. She weighed 3 pounds 13 ounces and was 17 inches long. She had dark curly hair even though it was sparse. She looked a lot like Ella when she was born but she favored me more whereas Ella favors Tyler more. She was beautiful and perfect. 

I was heavily sedated when they put my angel in my arms. I took a quick picture of her with my phone and it is the only one that exists of our sweet girl. I didn't cry as I looked at her face, touched her soft lips and nose, opened her eyes to see deep blue irises, unwrapped her blanket to count 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. After about a half hour they took her away from me and I wish I hadn't been sedated so that I would have fought to hold on to her forever. It just happened so quickly. I'm sad that I didn't get to hold her tiny body in my arms longer. 

2 weeks later we met with my doctor for a cause of death appointment. We were told that I had a velamentous cord marginally inserted, which means the umbilical cord inserted to the side of the placenta instead of the middle and was also like a spider web of veins instead of a cord enclosed in Wharton's jelly. He suspected vasa previa also and suggested I research it. I did and it seems that this is the case for me. All the signs are there: painless massive bleeding, fetal bradycardia (heart rate drops), and FETAL DEATH. 

I had never heard of this condition before even though I researched everything about pregnancy! I had no symptoms to speak of. I had no risk factors. Despite all of this, it happened to me. All I know to do is inform other people about this condition that is NOT screened for during pregnancy and possibly save a child's life and save a mother from the pain I feel. 

All you have to do is ASK to be checked for vasa previa. The best time to do so is at your 20 week growth ultrasound. When VP goes undetected it has a 90% mortality rate but if it is diagnosed, with proper care, that rate drops to almost ZERO. If I had been diagnosed with VP, I would've been planning a csection at 34 weeks instead of a funeral. Fight for your child's life!

Mother's Day

When it comes to Mother's Day many moms have feelings other than happiness or joy. For those mothers who have lost a child but have other living children, some people will say that you need to focus on the children you do have and not dwell on what you've lost. Before I became a bereaved mother, I had that though cross my mind as well. But I now know how insensitive that idea is. 

Just because I'm sad, it doesn't mean I'm not grateful. And just because I'm grateful, it doesn't mean I'm not sad. 

I can miss my daughter and be sad that she isn't in my arms on this Mother's Day. I'm allowed! At the same moment I can be grateful and find joy in my daughter, Ella, and my son growing inside of my belly. I can do both! 

I can't help but think about Daisy on this day as I do every single day. But I have found today that I am able to be joyous that I am her mom. I am happy that I was able to take care of her and nurture her through 8 months of pregnancy. I am proud of how beautiful and perfect she was. I am reflecting on all those little baby wiggles from the inside of my body. I am just so lucky be her mom, no matter how much time I got to spend with her or how that time was spent. She taught me so much about life, God, myself, my marriage. She taught me how to find joy in life even when it seems bleak. I want to honor her memory with happiness and pride, not sadness and grief. 

While I am still sad that she isn't with me, I am choosing to be thankful for every little moment I had with her. I am choosing to celebrate her life today and celebrate my job as a mother. I have been blessed with three precious children, Ella, Daisy, and my baby boy. Being a mom is the best job in the world and at the same time, the hardest. I give thanks to God for choosing me to be the mother of these three children and I am excited to see how He continues to bless my life.

Be sensitive to those mamas out there who have had to give their children back to God. Some are hurting more than they show. Don't be afraid to speak about the children they lost. They want to! Push yourself out of your comfort zone in order to brighten a mama's day. 

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

Levels of loss

This week I stepped in a time machine and went back to July 12th, the day my precious daughter died. I relived everything about that day in vivid detail. I couldn't stop thinking about the days after.. I remembered that feeling when I would wake up in the morning and for a second it was all a dream, and how when I would shake the sleep out of my mind, my horrifying reality would hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered the devastation. I remembered planning my daughter's funeral. I remembered pretending to be fine. I remembered attending that funeral and showing the people nearest and dearest to me how weak I really was. 

Those thoughts and memories never really leave me. I just know how to manage them better now. But the thing that triggered all of this was the death of another precious baby. Reliving all of those moments caused tears to stream down my face for days. I was not crying for my loss, though. I was crying for the parents of Cooper Burnett, the 6 month old baby who fought his whole short life to live but alas could not. I have so much empathy for his sweet parents. I understand what it is like to lose your baby. I am sorry for them, for the path they have to take now. 

In my journey through grief, I have found that you must be very careful when showing empathy, though, because there is a very fine line between empathy and insensitivity. The need to relate to people in order to comfort them is great. Since the passing of my daughter, so many people have told me they know how I feel or share stories that they think connect us. Sometimes it is helpful and sometimes it is offensive. 

I have found that there are different levels of loss. The levels are on the same plane, not one being better or worse than another. There are similarities in the feelings you may feel but there are differences. For example, I have bonded with my mother in law over my loss because she has also lost a child. Her son, Tel, passed away at 18 years old in a car accident. We share many of the same emotions because we have both suffered through the death of a child. However I feel cheated out of a lifetime of memories, whereas she has tons of memories. She had to deal with missing someone who was a constant physical presence in her life, someone she saw and talked to every single day, whereas I did not have to make those adjustments since Daisy was never able to come home with us. I could go on and on. My point is my loss is much different  from her loss. It is different from a miscarriage, the death of a child at 5 years old or the death of a child at 40 years old. No better. No worse. Just different. For me to tell my mother in law I know how she feels would be wrong. I don't know how she feels and vice versa.  

I know that I can offer some empathy to our friends who have lost their baby but I don't know exactly how they feel. They got to know Cooper and see his little personality grow. They watched him fight for 180 days. I'm sure there were days of hope and days of discouragement. 

 I pray that I can be sensitive to their needs as they grieve and that I can offer comfort to them. I hope they will know that I am here for them to talk to any time. I hope that I do not let my own grief cloud my ability to be completely caring and loving towards them. I have realized that we should not have our own agenda when comforting others. Just listen and love and be there. That's all anyone really needs from a friend. 

Matthew 19:14 

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Proverbs 3:5 

Trust in the lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.

A simple question

How many kids do you have?

It's a simple question. It's a question that no one thinks twice about asking. It doesn't seem to be one of those "too personal" questions that people are nervous to ask. It's a question that you feel like you can ask a total stranger. It's an easy question to ASK but not an easy question to ANSWER. 

For me and me alone the answer is truly a simple one. I have two children and one on the way. But I'm afraid if people want to know more, I will have to explain that one of my children died. I honestly have no problem saying that my daughter died but it makes other people feel uncomfortable. They begin to feel guilty that they even asked the question. I also wonder if they think I'm weird for including my angel in my number of children...like maybe I don't need to include her because it makes conversations awkward and I should be more aware of that. (I'm definitely aware of that by the way!)

I went to the eye doctor several weeks ago and one of the assistants asked me if this was my first child. I said it was my second because I wanted to avoid all of those other complications since she was just making small talk. But as soon as I said it, I felt like I had just twisted the knife in my own heart. I felt like I had betrayed Daisy. I felt ashamed. 

There are plenty of people who have lost children when they were older: 8, 18, 40, etc, and I think they have more ownership of their number of children. They have memories. Other people have memories. Their children were KNOWN. I feel like I'm the only person that knows Daisy. I don't know what her smile looks like. I don't know what her laugh sounds like. I don't know what movies she would have liked or what foods she would've hated. I did feel her wiggle in my belly though. I held her tiny body. I saw her sweet face. But no one else knew her like that. It's as though since she was born sleeping, she wasn't born at all. 

Is it strange for me to include her in the number of children I have? Is it off putting for me to explain that she now lives in Heaven? Will people look at me with pity? Will they think I am crazy? 

I'm still not sure how to answer the question. My only hope is that someone else will feel safe to include their angel in their "number" when they talk to me. I will continue to pray for the strength to stand strong and be confident as Daisy's mother. I want to feel safe to give an honest answer to this deceivingly simple question.

Social media

I think social media is a great thing when used appropriately. My generation started social media! I got a Facebook account mere months after it was started by Mark Zuckerburg. Since then I have been an active participant. I enjoy being able to keep up with long distance family members. It is awesome to stay in touch with people who were special to you at one time in your life but have drifted apart or moved away. I like being able to post something once and all my friends and family have access to it instead of spending time trying to tell everyone individually. In our fast paced world, it makes maintaining relationships so much easier. I have shared my ups and downs as a young adult on Facebook. One of my favorite things though has been chronicling my pregnancies with Facebook. I love looking back on belly photos and posts about swollen feet, overly helpful people, and sweet baby kicks...the wonders of pregnancy! 

But when my baby died I nestled myself inside a shell. I frantically checked Facebook for days after her death, panicking that someone might have posted that my daughter had died. For some reason I did not want to see this particular event on social media. I was feeling things that I had never felt before...things I didn't want anyone to see. I put on a brave face (still do!) and went on about my life without skipping a beat. I didn't know what else to do. I had another child to take care of...a child that had also fallen in love with our baby...a child who was excited to be a big sister. That had been taken away from her. It wasn't easy for any of us.

Fast forward a few months and we found out we were having another precious baby! We were happy that our prayers had been answered but we kept it to ourselves for awhile. I was terrified of losing this baby and I also felt very protective. I chose not to tell anyone for quite some time. Around 12 weeks it was becoming impossible to hide, physically, and I had to tell close friends, family, and work. It was very emotional and nerve wracking for me to tell people but it was also a huge relief! 

However, I was still feeling very protective and did not want to share on social media. One afternoon I went to visit a friend and after a long, productive talk, she reminded me of how great social media can be. She reminded me that social media can be a place for support and love. It can be a place for people to reach out when they don't know how else to do so. I began reflecting on Daisy's death and how even though I didn't post much of anything for awhile, I still gathered a ton of support through social media. I know that this child is something to be celebrated and I decided to share my pregnancy with the Facebook world when I was almost 20 weeks. We had found out that we are having a BOY this time around which we are really excited about. But more importantly we found out that I do not have vasa previa this time and that the baby is growing well and is seemingly healthy. I gather a lot of comfort in this knowledge but I am still guarding my heart. I am still worried that I won't be able to bring him home with me and I don't think that feeling will go away until he is officially in this house! Luckily I go to a maternal/fetal medicine specialist at Scott and White in Temple and am being closely monitored. I feel confident that my doctor wants to do everything he can to help me bring a baby home this time. I can't help but wish I had received this attention during my pregnancy with Daisy, but I can't change the past. All I can do is continue to look forward and take each day one step at a time!

Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Vasa Previa

One of my main goals for opening up about the death of my daughter is to spread awareness of vasa previa. I have prayed for the strength to write about my experience and I have not yet found that strength. But how can I spread awareness if I can't talk about it?! I've decided to compromise with myself. I will share the FACTS I've learned about vasa previa.

There will be a time when I share the specifics of my experience but I just don't feel ready. It's so personal and private. I am in no way offended when people ask me what happened and I am not afraid to talk about it. However, I tend to breeze over it very quickly giving just enough information. I know that I will share my birth story one day and that day might be right around the corner. But it's not now. 

But let's talk about vasa previa...

Vasa praevia is a rare condition that is NOT routinely checked for during pregnancy even though it can be EASILY detected with a Doppler ultrasound or 3-D ultrasound. When it goes undetected there is a 90% mortality rate. That is a devastating consequence for something that can be easily checked and monitored! I encourage every one that is pregnant, plans to be pregnant, or knows someone that's pregnant to be informed! I read everything there is to read about pregnancy but I had never even heard of this condition. 

If it had been detected while I was pregnant with Daisy, I would've been placed on pelvic rest (not bed rest) after the diagnosis. I would've been given steroids to help my baby grow faster if needed. I would have possibly been hospitalized around 30 weeks for observation. We would have planned a c-section for 34 weeks gestation. What a simple way to prevent the death of a baby!

Vasa praevia (in a very shortened version) is when the umbilical cord passes over the opening of the cervix. It has no symptoms to speak of other than MAYBE some spotting or bleeding and is not painful. If you have vasa previa you cannot give birth vaginally because the cord will detach from the placenta and/or the blood vessels will rupture. In my case Daisy's umbilical cord was also velamentous. This is a common combination in vasa praevia, so common in fact that the terms vasa praevia and velamentous cord insertion are often used interchangeably to refer to this condition. Velamentous cord insertion means the blood vessels of the umbilical cord were not encased in Wharton's jelly like normal but instead exposed, looking like a spider web connecting to the placenta. This makes them very vulnerable to rupture. The rupture of these vessels results in massive but painless bleeding. When the vessels rupture in vasa praevia, the baby goes into fetal bradycardia which means the heart rate drops due to lack of oxygen and blood and will result in rapid death if not immediately taken via c-section.

9 out of 10 vasa previa pregnancies end in the death of the baby when undiagnosed. When diagnosed, that mortality rate drops to almost ZERO! Why is this not routinely checked for during pregnancy? Why do doctors not check for this during the 20 week anatomy scan? Most people will say the reason is because it's so rare, but it is as common as having a baby with Down's Syndrome! Down's Syndrome is commonly checked for during pregnancy so why isn't vasa praevia?! It's less invasive than checking for Down's. Instead of a blood draw or amniocentesis, vasa praevia can be checked via ultrasound. 

500 babies a year die due to vasa praevia and every single death was preventable...not just preventable, but EASILY preventable! Pregnant mamas everywhere need to know about this condition. All you have to do is ask to be checked at your anatomy scan. If your hospital does not have Doppler ultrasounds (the ones with the red and blue colors), have an elective 3-d ultrasound and ask them to check. I know it costs extra but it could save your baby's life! 

* I am no doctor! I am sharing the condition in as simple of a way as I can. I have taken information given to me by doctors, specialists, and my own research.