July

July is my trigger month. I never plan on it. It just happens. It creeps up on me like a lion sneaks up on its prey. It’s like I know the wave is coming hut I just don’t quite have time to grab my raft. Tonight the weight of grief hit me like it hasn’t in years and I had no warning. There was no indication that I might get upset or cry. But I did. Tyler and I reflected on how difficult it has been to deal with the death of our child. When we were dating and even when we got married, we would intertwine our fingers and gaze into each other’s eyes and say, “I don’t know why people say marriage is difficult. Ours will be amazing. There is no way we will have bumps  in our path.” We just couldn’t fathom what could be powerful enough to test our love. What we didn’t take into account is that things could happen OUTSIDE of our control. Our daughter died. It was horrifying and traumatic and tragic. And it still is. And even though there are more good days than bad now, it still hurts us to our cores. There were times where we felt like separate entities. But at the end of it all we found each other and knew we could withstand this test. We sought out our God and found strength in Him and His promises. We honored the pledge we made to each other and Him and came out on the other side. I am so thankful for our marriage and for God’s hand in it. I am thankful for our daughter, Daisy, and the pain we experienced from her death because it strengthened our bond to each other and our reliance on God. Daisy has taught me so much. This life is so much more than my feelings. I KNOW that God has such a wonderful plan for me and my family and I’m grateful everyday for the grace He has shown me.

To Daisy on her 4th birthday

Dear Daisy,

I really miss you! I wonder what kind of person you would be now that you’re a preschooler. Sadly it gets harder and harder for me to imagine.

I know that you got a new friend in heaven yesterday and I hope you are making her feel at home. Are you giving her your place in Jesus’ lap? Are you showing her to her mansion in the sky? I hope it’s wonderful and beautiful and perfect just like you.

Your dad and I are mourning you still but we know that we will see you one day. One day I will be able to hold you, hug you, kiss you. I am looking forward to that day.

I have so much to say but this year I am feeling reserved. But you know what’s in my heart, Daisy. You know that you are always on my mind.

I hope you are having a giant birthday party today with our loving lord,  Jesus Christ. It is from Him that all blessings flow.

Love, Mommy

Path to joy

When something really terrible happens to you, here are two paths you can take. You can choose to blame God and hate Him for what He has done to you or you can lean on God and trust in His plan for You. 

I totally understand how people choose the first path. When my daughter died, I immediately clung to my faith but that is not to say I didn’t stumble a bit or question things. I had moments where I was definitely angry with God and honestly, I felt very hurt that my God could let this happen to me. 

The thing is, though, God doesn’t do bad things to us. He doesn’t let bad things happen to us. He simply has a bigger plan and sometimes we have to go through tough things for His plan to come to fruition. I know that the Lord was seeking me out at that time. He craved my love. He was reaching out to me. While some might think the Lord forsakes you in times of great strife, I KNOW that at that time, I was the closest I’ve ever been to God. He was hugging me as my daughter slipped away. He was holding me up as I walked out of the hospital. He was rubbing my back as I sobbed. I felt Him. 

I choose every single day to trust the lord. When you choose the other path, the path that leads away from God, an interesting thing happens. You go further into grief, depression, and negative feelings. Satan is pleased with you and he feeds your anger. But when you choose to take the Lord’s hand and trust that he knows what’s best for you, you feel comfort, warmth, and hope. 

People often tell me that I handle my grief so well and honestly, it’s all God. I chose to trust him completely and he filled my heart with joy. Truly. It is not a quick fix, an easy out, nor is it butterflies and rainbows everyday. It is a choice to follow the lord and to seek him. It is not always an easy choice, but His love is powerful. It helps me overcome my struggles and really gives me the joy I need to survive everyday. 

Joy isn’t determined by what I have been through. Joy is fueled by faith. 

Galatians 5:22 The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, and peace. 

1 peter 1:8 Though you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy...

A letter to Daisy on her third birthday

Dear Daisy, 

This day has been hanging over my head like a dark and threatening rain cloud. For several weeks the thunder has been rumbling inside of me, warning me of a devastating storm. 

Today is your birthday and it is also your angelversary. This year it has hit me much harder than years past. I don't know why. My heart, soul, mind, and body just ache for you. I want to hold you. I want to count your eyelashes while you sleep. I want to paint your toes and play with your hair. 

Jax fell asleep on me last week and as I stared at his precious face I became overwhelmed by my grief for you, Daisy. It hit me so hard that I had never been able to cuddle you like that. Tears flowed. 

For the last week or so I have this heaving feeling. I don't know how else to explain it...maybe this is what hyperventilating is? Anyway it's this feeling that comes out of nowhere and my body starts to shake and my stomach contracts repeatedly and I feel like I can't breathe. I want you.

This year your birthday is so incredibly hard for me. I wish that your death date was different from your birthdate so badly! I think that if they were separate days I might be able to truly celebrate his day but I just can't, not fully. 

I have been thinking about how three years ago, yesterday, I was so hopeful and innocent, so happy and lucky to live this life of mine. And then the next day came and I changed into a different person, a nervous person, an anxious person, a person who has closed herself off emotionally from the people closest to her. 

I've been having nightmares and visions of my children dying and they torment me. I have prayed endlessly for them to stop but they keep coming. I need you to give me some comfort, Daisy. I wish you could! 

I know that you are dancing with Jesus, Daisy, and that one day I will be too. That brings me peace most days but my earthly longing is overpowering at times and now is one of those times. 

"My mind knows you are in a better place where there is no pain. You are at peace. I understand that. I just wish I could explain that to my heart." -Michelle Russell

I love you, Daisy, and I'll never stop. Happy 3rd birthday, baby girl. 

Love, Mommy

Triggers

  I've been thinking a lot lately about what went wrong with Daisy's pregnancy....that's not to say I haven't before...I just have been thinking about it a little more than usual. This is my third holiday season without her and I have finally come to the realization that the holidays trigger me.  It's just that she should be here. If the doctors had done their jobs properly she would be here with us...a 2 year old cutie pie, anxiously awaiting Christmas!

My pregnancy went well. That's the thing that upsets me most. I always wonder if I missed something. But when I go over it all in my head and replay every moment I know that I did everything right. When I'm pregnant, I take care of myself perfectly. I eat healthy (with a few cheats!), I stay active, I rest when I need it, I drink lots of water, I don't drink caffeine at all, I don't eat lunch meat....I could go on forever! I read about pregnancy every single day of all of my pregnancies.

It was the fault of every single medical professional that treated my during my pregnancy and during my delivery. I had 4 ultrasounds...I don't know why they bothered if they weren't going to examine them closely! I can remember my 20 week anatomy scan at the hospital. It was done by a tech and she argued with me for awhile that I could not be 20 weeks pregnant. It made me nervous but when the scan was complete she said I was measuring correctly. What??!! I had a follow up with my doctor a few days later and he clicked photos of all of her cute little poses but no talk of small measurements. No talk of low lying placenta. No talk of velamentous cord insertion and certainly no talk of vasa previa. What did they see? What were they looking for? It is so confusing to me.

And then the delivery....when I went into that hospital they should've given me a c section immediately. My daughter's heart rate was dropping to almost nothing and yet they left her inside of me. She could've survived outside of my body but not inside yet that's where she stayed. Why did it take them 6 hours to decide I needed a c section? Why did it have to be too late? Why did I have to be induced after the bad news? Why did I have to give birth to a baby that could not come home with me?

Ugh. I obsess over these missed details all too often. I wish I could make these thoughts go away...all those what ifs. I dream of consulting with these doctors and quizzing them about it all but I know they would never meet with me. I know they haven't forgotten me. After Daisy was born...the way they all looked at me...with guilt and fear in their eyes...I know they haven't forgotten. The whole thing disgusts me.

I pray a lot to have a forgiving heart and to be rid of these feelings of negativity but it's hard. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still sad. I miss my daughter with an intensity that I can't shake.

Ah the holidays......

I am also triggered by anything baby related. When someone announces a pregnancy or impending delivery or a birth it's like a punch in the gut. When I hear someone announce pregnancy I have all of these thoughts of panic....like do they realize how fragile this thing is? Do they appreciate this precious gift enough? I want to warn them! I want to yell out, "Be careful and be grateful!" I feel the same feelings when I know someone is about to have a baby but more intensely. I remain nervous and anxious until I find out the baby is here and safe and...alive. And birth... what a beautiful thing! The birth of a baby makes me so joyful, more so than ever before. But it also makes me a little jealous. Gosh I hate that word. Jealous. It's an ugly word that I'm ashamed to feel but it's real and raw. I thought this weakness would be gone by now especially since I have had another baby since Daisy's death, but it hasn't. The biggest accomplishment for me right now in this never ending journey of grief is recognizing my triggers, accepting them, and learning how to cope with them. I think I can.

To Daisy on her second birthday

Dear Daisy,

 I have always felt like I haven't had much time to grieve you. But today I will have many hours alone as I drive to and from San Angelo and I'll admit, its a little frightening to be by myself with this heartache. 

2years. It's been a whirlwind. When you left my womb, Daisy, it felt empty. Totally and completely empty. I felt hollow. My womb was quickly filled with your brother, Jaxon, whom I love with a passion I never knew I possessed. And while I did not EVER for a second feel like Jaxon was a replacement for you, I can't help but feel sometimes that I didn't allow myself enough time to grieve for you. Did I betray you by loving another baby so soon after you left us?

Daisy, when I look at Jaxon I see your little brother. I am so sad that he won't know you. At least Ella remembers you wiggling in my belly. She remembers making plans for you to join our family. But Jaxon... He doesn't know you. All he will know is that he has a sister in heaven, he will know what we tell him. He will never really know how much we love you., how much joy you brought to our lives for the short period of time that you were with us, how much we miss you, and how grateful we are to have him to brighten our lives after such a dark moment in time. 

We went to a birthday party a couple of weekends ago to celebrate a little girl that would be just your age, a little girl that I just knew would be your best friend. Her mother and I had made plans for you to grow up together and when I see her I see you.Jaxon was playing with her and I couldn't help imagining him playing with you, Daisy. Our family is missing you.

I overheard Ella having a conversation with some of her friends the other day. She mentioned that she had a sister. Her friends told her she did not and even kind of tattled to their mother that Ella said she had a sister but she doesn't. Ella stood her ground and explained that she has a sister, but her sister lives in heaven. It is not fair that she has to explain that. It is not fair that you aren't with her to hold her hand so that she can guide you through life. 

For the last few days Jaxon has been sick. The first night his fever got very high and I was doing my best to help him and make him comfortable. Ella began to cry suddenly and when I asked her what was wrong, the words burst out of her in a panic. "I'm afraid Jaxon is going to die!" A girl her age shouldn't worry about such things! But in all honesty, Daisy, her words spoke my thoughts. I have these moments of panic several times a day, every single day, often about the silliest things. It's not fair that death is always on our minds. 

Daisy, my heart is just as broken today as it was the day you left us. I ache for you. I lie in bed sometimes with visions of a curly headed girl bouncing around my house. It is not fair that I don't get to see you grow up. It is not fair that Jaxon and Ella are missing their sister. 

Daisy, we will bake cupcakes tonight for your birthday. They will be pink with glittery sprinkles. I hope that's something you would have liked. I will search through Target today to find the perfect thing to lay on your grave. And when I enter that cemetery I will wish that I was not there. I keep having this goal to be joyous on this day but honestly, I am not joyful. I am sad. I am a little angry. I feel like there is a stack of bricks on my chest. It's hard to breathe without you here. 

Daisy, I know that Jesus is helping you celebrate your birthday today in heaven and that he is so happy that you are with him. I am proud of that. I am proud of you. Happy 2nd birthday, Daisy. I wish I could hug you but I would never let go!

Love, mommy

Matthew 19:14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Parent shaming

Recently I was a victim of parent shaming...an epidemic sweeping the nation. The gist of the comments was that I do not discipline my oldest daughter appropriately. These comments bothered me a lot and by "bothered" I mean it made me really mad! I thought about it and prayed about it and came to a conclusion. The fact of the matter is that no one can criticize the way I parent because they are not ME. Parenting is a complex job. It's a job in which there are too many variables to make judgements about how other people do it.

I am totally aware that my daughter is a handful. Believe me: I know. I'm the one that lives with her, remember?! I am aware that she needs discipline. I believe in using various discipline strategies. I  spank my children when it is appropriate. I put them in time out. I give rewards and I take away privileges. It all depends on what I feel is appropriate at that time. It differs based on where we are, who we are around, and what undesirable action my child performed. 

Parenting also has to do with the personalities and philosophies of BOTH parents. My comfort level might be very different from someone else's. And for that matter, things that bother YOU about my child's behavior might not bother me and vice versa. 

There's also the element of what works best for our family. I've been a stay at home mom and I am now a working mom and I can tell you they are very different experiences. For me, being a working mom is so much harder and I have a lot of guilt about it, to be honest. When I am with my kids for those precious few hours, it's hard for me to have negative experiences. That is not to say that I don't discipline my kids...I do! But it is very hard. And then there's the element of having been through the death of a child. That experience makes me look at my children very differently than before. It is another obstacle I have to face when it comes to discipline. 

I write all this to say that we should all resist the urge to judge other parents. Try not to turn your nose up at people just because they don't parent the same way you do. If it has to do with health or safety you can bet I will say something but parenting philosophies are another thing entirely. We are all just doing the best we can. 

"Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged." Matthew 7:1-2

The Bible Toggle Dropdown

I got 99 problems, and sleep is 98 of 'em....

I am really struggling right now with sleep or the lack there of. Jaxon was a great sleeper at first. By ten weeks old he was sleeping 8 hour stretches...sometimes longer! Then in November he got sick with a cold that he couldn't shake for weeks. It totally disrupted his sleep patterns and he began waking every two hours. As soon as he got over the cold, he started teething and so the problems persisted. Now he is habitually waking as he wakes the same times every night. He goes down between 6 and 7, wakes at 1030, 1230, 230, 430. It's killing me. I'm not getting more than an hour of sleep at a time. My patience is wearing thin. My body is tired. My eyes burn all day. I can't complete tasks at home. I forget things almost immediately.  All I think about is sleeping!

For the last two weeks I've been trying to do modified cry it out to eliminate one wake up at a time. I go in after 5-10 minutes and calm him without picking him up and then leave. The first week it seemed to be working. He even slept from 11-4 one night. It was amazing!!!!! But this week we are back to waking up every 1-2 hours. Right now at 2:30 AM I am nursing a baby who has been awake since 12:30. I give up. I just want to cry. 

Everything in my body is screaming, "I can't do this anymore!" But then I have the frightening realization that I have no choice. I am this baby's mother. 

I have nothing positive to say in this post which is hard because I usually find ways to lift myself up through my writing. I'm just so tired that I feel like I might die and there's no good in that. I love my baby though. He's really cute and so sweet. Ahh there it is...❤️

Stress and Blessings

I am under a lot of pressure right now...at work, at home, as a mother, as a wife. I am doing so many things but none of them WELL! I am trying my best to keep my head above water.

At work we are prepping for the devil...um I mean the STAAR test. I am calling conferences with parents and I will begin tutorials next week. Since I am responsible for four STAAR tests I will be pulling kids 4 days a week. I will do this during my conference period. When the kids leave I will have a few minutes left to pump. (I am still breastfeeding.) I pump at lunch also while I'm eating and then I pull kids into my room for lunch detention. I have no breaks. I have no time. I am going going going all day. Then I race to get my kids which takes an hour round trip because they are 20 miles away. I get home and spend a few minutes with my kids. I attempt to cook. I don't clean. I bathe them and put them to bed in shifts. I pass out shortly after. Some days we have church or school projects to do as well. Tyler is never home..he has a lot going on at work right now and doesn't get home until late. And he's been guiding hunts on the weekends, so I'm by myself.  I am stressed!

In times of great stress like this I tend to just retreat slowly. I back away and then suddenly sprint in the other direction! I usually get inside my head and I can easily get down. Lately I have been having these aching feelings of missing Daisy. I see kids her age (how old she would be now) and it hurts. I know that I am in a place of vulnerability right now and so I have been pushing all thoughts of her out of my head and out of my heart. Well not so much pushing, as SHOVING to the ground and walking away. I don't want to sink my boat when I gave worked so hard to patch it up!

So we were at Wednesday night church last week and we sang the song, "Blessed be Your Name." The lyrics spoke to my heart. One of the verses goes like this:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

When I heard that I thought, "Yes! My road is STILL marked with suffering. And I feel like Daisy was an offering in a way. There was (and is) great pain in giving her to Jesus. BUT no matter what I'm feeling or going through, The Lord's name is blessed! "

And then the next part goes like this: 

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

I hope that I praise the Lord every time he blesses me but I know I fail at that. I just want His light to shine through me! When I think of the blessings poured on me from God I think of Jaxon. I know I'm blessed in many other ways but MAN this kid is a big blessing! I thank God every day for this precious boy! 

We dedicated our children to God last Sunday and I couldn't help feeling incomplete standing in front of the church as a family. When I came home it was still bothering me and I prayed about it. I realized that I already gave Daisy to God and even though it wasn't my choice I gave her fully and with my whole heart, knowing that she was blessed.

Blessings come in all forms. They don't just come in happy times. My daughter is a blessing to me and to others who have learned from her beautiful limited life. Her light shines bright in my family. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 2 Corinthians 13:14

Listen to this awesome song here:
http://www.worshiptogether.com/songs/blessed-be-your-name/#

Happy new year!

I came across this Facebook memory from last year:

2014 was a roller coaster. It started out great! I was happy, healthy, and pregnant with the baby that would complete my family. Everything was going exactly how I planned. Life was perfect. And then July 12th came...the worst day of my life. It's frightening how one day, one event, can change every part of who you are for the rest of your life. Shortly after that Tyler got a new job that has been the biggest blessing we could've asked for and other parts of our life are starting to look up. I am entering 2015 with HOPE, faith, and lots of prayer.

It really got me thinking...reflecting on how I felt last year and how things are very different now.

This time last year I was about 6 weeks pregnant with Jaxon. I had known for a few weeks and I wasn't telling anyone (other than my husband of course.) I was terrified. We had wanted this baby and had been trying to conceive. I had had a chemical pregnancy in late September and so I was preparing myself for a miscarriage. I was not excited. 

Now don't get me wrong, I was happy. I felt blessed. I was grateful. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. But "excited" is not a word I would use to describe my feelings about that pregnancy. Scared, worried, anxious, uncertain, guarded, protective...those words more accurately describe what I was feeling.

When I put myself back in that hazy, lonely place of grief, I am astounded on how far I have come. I am no longer living in a fog. I have learned how to manage my grief. I have been able to turn my loss into something positive. I have grown as a Christian, as a mother, as a wife. 

Our family has grown this year to include the sweetest little bundle of joy wrapped up inside the most handsome little package! Jaxon has brought our family so much happiness. He is the perfect addition to our household. We are all thoroughly enjoying watching him grow each day. 

Although 2015 began on shaky ground, I think that I'm starting 2016 with a firm stance. I am stronger, happier, and blessed. My heart is full. I will never go a single day without thinking of my precious Daisy but I know how richly the lord has blessed me and I praise Him for those blessings.

I am excited about 2016! I am ready for whatever it has to throw me. I am making family my absolute number one priority and nothing will come before them. I look forward to hugs and kisses, laughter and tears. Happy new year to you all! But remember it will only be as happy as you allow it to be. 

Psalm 28:7, NLT The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

mom of the year?

I want to be the most involved mom ever. I want to be at every award ceremony, every play, every game. I want to make the cutest little Pinterest snack at the Christmas party. I want to bake fresh cookies. I want to see my daughters eyes light up when I come into her classroom.  I want to volunteer at her school. I want to do it all! But I can't. The sacrifices of a working mom are huge. I am really struggling with that right now. Ella has her first Christmas program andChristmas party next Friday. I am so excited for her! I am going to try my best to be at her program but there is no way I can be at her party too because it's a teacher work day at my school. My husband tells me, "You can't do it all," but I can't help wanting to. It frustrates me to know that many parents don't care to do these things. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not for everyone. But it IS for me! I love things like that. A group text was sent out about Ella's Christmas party and ways that parents could help. I thought that since I couldn't be there I would do that cutesT thing that was offered. But by the time I received the text (when I got off work) all the fun things had been spoken for. I'm bringing Ziploc bags and paper towels. Boring. I know I should be happy that I don't have to do much work but I'm disappointed because I enjoy doing mom-of-the-year type things. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I never thought I would be the mom bringing the paper towels and Ziploc bags! And again there's nothing wrong with that because not everyone likes to do the cutesy stuff. Not everyone likes to be surrounded by 23 preschoolers hyped up on sugar and ready for Christmas break. But I do. I hope it doesn't hurt my daughter's feelings that I'm not at her party. I hope she understands. 

My life as a working mom part two

I am sad. I am sad because I love to cook but I don't have time! I rush to get out of work by 4 so I can drive twenty miles to pick up my kids and drive twenty miles back home. I get home around 5. Even if I think ahead and have something thawed out, I can't cook because this is the time of day when Jaxon  is fussy and tired. He misses his momma and wants to be held. He used to love being worn but lately that's not his thing. So here I am trying to cook one handed and not burn the baby while Ella is making messes everywhere she can. The result of all of this is that my family is eating lots of pizza and other frozen foods. Even my quick and easy meals are too much when I'm trying to do it one handed. I would probably let Jax  fuss a bit if I was home all day with him but I just can't bear it since I don't get to spend much time with him. I feel like I'm failing my husband by not providing him a hearty meal each night. I also know that we are not eating healthy and that kills me! I don't know how other working moms cook for their families. Maybe they don't?

So when the pizza gets done in the oven it's time for Jaxon to take a bath and go to bed. As soon as he goes down its Ella's turn. Then I eat dinner by myself since everyone ate while I put Jaxon to bed. I sometimes clean but often I skip it because I'm so tired. Then I shower. Then I have to pump. By the time all that's done it's usually 9 o clock and I struggle to keep my eyes open to watch half an hour of tv.  Do working moms really keep their houses clean? 

Before I had Jax the laundry was ALWAYS done and put away. Now it's in a big unfolded pile in my living room! Do working moms keep up with laundry?

My messy bun carried the slight aroma of rotten milk today because Jaxon  spit up in my hair this morning and I didn't have time to shower before work. Do working moms look nice?

I have to admit that even though I don't have a spare second to do anything and even though I am averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, I am happy. Tired, smelly, and messy but happy!

My life as a working mom

Week one has been rough. Monday morning I cried and cried and cried! I just can't help thinking that Jaxon feels abandoned. When I had Ella I stayed home with her until she was almost 2 years old. I never had to go through this separation anxiety. I was there for every single one of Ella's milestones, large and small. I knew exactly when and what she ate. I knew every new sound, giggle, or gurgle. I spent so much time with that little lady! This whole "don't see your kid for 10 plus hours a day" thing is new to me and I don't like it! 

My fear of Jaxon dying is through the roof right now because I am not with him keeping him safe. It is killing me. Im sure it will get easier but it's HARD right now. 

Another thing that is tough is that for me, my whole life has changed, but for everyone else it has stayed the same. I don't expect to get special treatment because I have young children but at the same time I have to step back a little from the things I normally do. I am afraid it will be viewed by others that I am slacking off and it couldn't be further from the truth! I simply have to make MY children my priority. My students just cannot come first. As much as I love them, I love my children more. I tend to volunteer for a lot of extra things at school because I am passionate about my job and my students and Cherokee. But now I know I need to step back a little and it's hard for me to do that. 

One of my coworkers shared this with me the other day after a conversation we had about my struggle to balance being a great teacher AND a great mom:

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭6:10‬ ‭

This verse comforts me when I feel the intense guilt of leaving my baby each day to be a working mom. My job is important. I make a difference! I'm not leaving my kids for fun. I'm not leaving them to go to a meaningless job. I work hard to help my students and their parents. I try my best to help the people I work with so that our school can be the best it can be. I know that in the long run, I will be happy with my decision to be a working mom. I know that I am using the gifts God has given me...the gifts of words, compassion, patience, love, and intelligence. He has given me the special gift of being able to talk to children and I try to glorify him each day through that gift. 

I hope one day my kids will look at me and admire my ability to touch children's lives. I hope they will know how much I love them. I hope they will see how I try to maximize my time with them each day. I hope that I am able to make the most of each precious moment with them.

Right now I feel like I'm working so hard to be a teacher, mom, wife, cook, and housekeeper but I'm doing none of them well. I feel like I am in the ocean struggling to reach the surface. I am prayerful that I can swim my way to the top of the water and look around to see calm waters. I am so blessed to have this life and I know things will get easier as we settle into our new normal. Despite the challenges and difficulties I'm facing right now, I am the happiest woman in the world! I am so in love with my baby boy. I am happily married to my best friend. I have a spunky daughter that keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh harder than anyone else. I am a blessed person!

4 Things I've Learned from Parenting a Rainbow Baby

In case anyone was wondering, parenting a newborn is hard! This Tiny person that the lord entrusted to me cannot do anything for himself. He depends on me fully. These things are a given...people know and understand these things about babies. However, it is often overlooked that you don't really KNOW this new family member. When Jaxon was first born I didn't know what he likes and what he doesn't. I didn't know what annoys him or what calms him. It takes awhile to figure these things out! We are in a good place now though and I feel very in tune with this little guy. I know that he likes to be held upright and he likes to face out so he can see what's going on. I know that he loves to take baths but hates to get out! I am so in love with this boy. 
It hasn't always been bliss though! Here are some things that parenting a rainbow baby has taught me.

1. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me a more patient parent.

Jaxon had a period of time where he was screaming all the live long day. I intentionally didn't say "crying." He was legitimately screaming. When other people's kids cry, it really doesn't bother me, especially after having my own. BUT when my kids cry, I feel it from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes. It is physically painful and emotionally jarring. I was so overwhelmed by his behavior. When I would get frustrated though, I would think of Daisy and all those moments where I WISHED I could have heard her cry. It was then that I would hold him tight and focus on his little warm and wiggly body in my arms and just breathe the moment in. We did figure out the problem and have since fixed it. But that's a whole other blog topic!

2. Parenting a rainbow baby does not make me a perfect parent.

As wonderful as my above response might seem, I am not perfect! There were plenty of times where I had to just put Jax down in his bed and just walk away. I needed space and quiet for a minute or two to recharge. If I allow myself those moments I can better parent going forward, but I feel terrible when I do this! At times I really beat myself up about it. I think about Daisy in those moments as well and I tell myself that I should appreciate him in all of his moments, good and bad, because I could not do so with Daisy. But that's unrealistic. Again, I am not perfect. I also had a lot of trouble parenting Ella upon Jaxon's arrival. I would get frustrated and snappy with her when I normally would not and again I would feel guilty about it, thinking that I should be more appreciative of my living children. But losing one child doesn't make you a perfect parent to the others. 

3. Parenting a rainbow baby has made me over protective because I am so afraid he will die.

This one is tough to talk about. First off, I know it's irrational but that realization doesn't lessen my fear. When Ella was a baby we co-slept, pillows and loose blankets and all (gasp!) She also slept on her tummy. I didn't lower her crib mattress when I was supposed to. The list goes on and on of the rules I broke. At the time that's what worked for us. I felt comfortable with those choices because I just knew that MY baby would not die of SIDS, my baby would not suffocate, my baby would not suffer a serious injury. Now I unfortunately know that the worst CAN happen. I swaddle Jax. He sleeps in his pack n play every night. I wake up to check his breathing. We had an outbreak of pertussis (whooping cough) in my community right around the time Jax was born, and he was exposed at 6 days old. I was sick over this for weeks! All I could do was watch him closely and hope he didn't begin to cough. Thank goodness for vaccines! I chose to get the tdap vaccine while pregnant and it protected Jaxon from this life threatening illness. But for weeks Tyler and I were on pins and needles, freaking out over the slightest odd sounding noise from Jaxon's little body. I imagine the worst at all times! I'm just terrified of losing him and I want to protect him from everything. 

4. Parenting a rainbow baby is a blessing from God.

When I look at his sweet face, I see a gift from The Lord. He radiates goodness and love. I am so blessed to have this boy and I will try my best to never take him for granted. I know that God has big plans for this child and I am excited to be a part of that. I thank The Lord every moment for my precious Jax!

Now a little update on Jaxon: He is perfect! He is sleeping a 7-8 hour stretch at night and is gaining weight like crazy. He just went in for his 2 month check up and is 13 lbs 11 ounces and 23 and a quarter inch long. He is sweet and cuddly. He loves his momma, taking baths, and his swing. He does not like getting out of the bath or riding in the car. He brings us lots and lots of joy!

Jaxon's birth story

On Tuesday August 18th, I had contractions all day that were 3-5 minutes apart. They were not painful, only uncomfortable, and in fact I only started timing them because I noticed I was having quite a few. I tried taking a bath but the contractions persisted. I tried resting, but they continued. I tried walking, yet the contractions did not wane. I took Ella to my mom's for a sleepover because I had a doctor's appointment the next day and did not want to take her with me. When I got there my mom told me to call my doctor but by that point it was close to 5 o'clock and no one answered. since my contractions were not painful I didn't think I needed to go to the hospital.

I went to bed that evening around 11 pm thinking that I would probably be admitted to the hospital the following day. I was right, just not in the way I thought! I slept very restlessly and at 1:45 am I got up to use the restroom. At that time I knew something wasn't right. I told Tyler we needed to go to the hospital. I'm very much a planner so we had hospital bags for the two of us packed and ready to go in the car. The car seat was already installed and the baby's diaper bag was loaded in the car as well. It took Tyler and I about a minute or two to get dressed. By the time I got to the pickup I could barely walk! We live on a dirt road and by the time we got to the paved road, I was in excruciating pain. I knew I wasn't going to make it to Temple. (Back story: Due to Daisy's still birth and compications, I was seeing a Maternal/Fetal Medicine specialist in Temple which is an hour and 45 minutes from my house.) I called the hospital in Lampasas (the nearest hospital) and asked for their labor and delivery department. They informed me that they do not have one and do not deliver babies. I hung up the phone and then had another contraction. I handed the phone to Tyler, telling him that he needed to call them again and tell them that they would be delivering a baby that night! We made it to Lampasas in record time and they were waiting for us outside. Upon arrival I asked (begged!) for pain medication. The doctor checked me out and said no! I was already fully dilated and ready to go! They did not have an ultrasound machine or monitors. The only monitor we had was the doppler. They were not very experienced using it and it took forever for them to find my baby's heartbeat. It made me so anxious. I kept thinking...not again! I can't lose this baby! But alas they found his heartbeat and I could focus on the task at hand.As I labored I did not get much feedback from the doctor or nurses. Usually when you have a baby, they tell you when to push and for how long. They cheer you on. They encourage you. They tell you when the baby is crowning. None of this was relayed to me. I had to just totally rely on my body and my instincts. My labor was quick and I'm so glad because it was by far the most painful experience of my life. I still can't even believe that I did that! It's hard to believe that I am capable of something like that.

My baby boy was born on August 19th at 3:15 am, just an hour and a half from the time I woke up. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice. I was scared but the doctor quickly unraveled it and all was well with my son. The best thing about giving birth is that moment when the baby comes out. Not only are you filled with euphoria from the experience of seeing your child for the first time, but you feel instant relief from the pain. It is not a gradual release of pain. It is there at its peak and then gone suddenly. It's amazing!

Jaxon Tel Owen weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 21.5 inches long. He was beautiful and perfect and snuggly from the start. We were put in an ambulance and sent to Temple and then came home the next day.



Jaxon is now 3 weeks old and a momma's boy! His likes to NURSE, look at mom's face, listen to Ella sing, get his feet rubbed, be swaddled, and sleep in his wrap. He does not like having dirty diapers or sitting in his bouncer. He weighs 10 pounds 8 ounces already and sleeps 3 hours at a time at night (usually.) My boy could not be more loved.

Let go, let God

This last week has been a roller coaster! I went to the doctor on Wednesday and was dilated 4 cm and completely effaced! We were all in shock. The doctor told me that at this point if I have any pain at all or just feel weird I need to come in to L&D. Since I live two hours from the hospital he wrote in my chart that they are not allowed to send me home. So we went home Wednesday afternoon to wait...

The whole week I have been on high alert. Every twinge, ache, pain, and contraction have had me on pins and needles wondering if "this is it." I have been slowly driving myself crazy! I have been moody, emotional, stressed, and nervous. Tyler has been doing a good job of bringing me back down to earth and reminding me to trust that God will help me through this.

I have been praying for God to give me clarity and patience while I wait for this sweet baby to make his earthly arrival. And let me tell you, The Lord has been working on hard on my heart and mind. I have felt a sense of peace and calmness over the last two days. I am ready to give this to God! We forget that God tells us not to worry about things and that we should let Him do the work. That is what I have been struggling to do but have finally let go! It is so freeing and I am so glad that I have a relationship with God that is full of trust and love. We will be adding to our family any day now and I am trying my best to be patient and just enjoy these last few moments before he arrives.  I truly cannot wait to see what God has in store for me and my family!

Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Love Lifted Me

People often tell me how strong I am and they say things like, "I don't know how you do it." People ask me how I get through it and I don't often know what to say. I don't think I deserve the credit. The only thing that has gotten me through the loss of my daughter is LOVE. 

I don't actually mean earthly love though. Even though I have received a lot of love and support from friends and my amazing family, it is not what got me through this. There is a song we sing in church that goes, "Love lifted me. Love lifted me. When nothing else would do, love lifted me." THAT is the love I'm referring to. God's love lifted me out of the depths of grief, anxiety, sadness, and depression. Even though I had a big earthly support system, it just "wouldn't do." I prayed while my daughter died. I prayed while I gave birth to her. I prayed on my knees in the days following her death. I prayed on the way to her funeral. God never failed me. When I needed extra strength, God gave it to me. When I was confused and needed peace, God delivered. When I was angry, God calmed me. 

When Daisy died, I was surrounded by people who love and support me. But there comes a time when people have to return to their own lives. I could not do that. My life would never be what it once was. When I returned home, my house felt empty. When I went out in public I felt raw, as though my skin had been peeled off and every one could see my wounds. When I received phone calls, I felt panicked that I would have to tell someone about what had happened to me. I had constant, debilitating anxiety for a long time. When I was at my weakest moment, though, and I had not one person with me 24/7 like I needed, God was there. He never left me. I could talk to God at any time and he always helped me. He eased my worries and calmed my heart. His love lifted me. His love carried me through those dark moments. 

I do not deserve the credit for being strong. God gave me that strength. If I credit myself with anything though, it is that I have faith and trust in God. It has not always been easy but I have chosen that path and have received a bounty of blessings because of it! Glory be to God for all of the wonderful things he has done in and with my life. 

Fear

I think when labor looms near almost every woman experiences an element of fear. If it's your first baby, it's fear of the unknown. If you are more experienced you are scared of what you DO know! 

What I know about labor is different than what a lot of women know. I know about the physical pain, yet that is not what scares me. I can deal with that part. It only lasts a few hours. But the emotional pain I know about is everlasting and impossible to recover from. I know how fragile a baby's life is. I know that labor can be the beginning of the end. I know that labor does not always have a happy ending. I know that hospitals can't always be trusted. I know that doctors don't know it all and sometimes they make the wrong call.

I will be having my third child soon and I am afraid. I am afraid that, once again, I will not bring a baby home. I tell myself all the time that he WILL be fine. I have prepared his room, built his baby "things," washed his clothing, and prayed endlessly for him. Even though these things soothe my fear, they do not eradicate it. I have anxiety about going into labor. I do not want to experience the same devastation and heartbreak as I did last summer. I do not know how I could possibly recover from that.

I am (mostly) confident that this baby will live and will bring us great joy, but I don't think I will be fully confident until he is in my arms, alive and well. 

Since the death of my daughter I have had an irrational fear of my other children dying. I imagine all sorts of scenarios in which there is no happy ending. I pray about this more than anything. I seek comfort and peace in The Lord. It does help! I just wish I could shake this nagging fear completely. But maybe that's just what happens when you have been traumatized by a tragic event. It's kind of like a defense mechanism I guess. I over analyze daily activities in the hopes that I can intervene before the unthinkable occurs again. 

I pray that as my "Labor Day" approaches, I will allow the Lord to comfort me and ease my anxieties. I pray that I will be confident that my child will survive. I pray that he will be healthy and strong. I pray that I can focus on my little guy and not on his sister when that day arrives. I want it to be HIS day...unclouded by the memory of his sister. Even as I struggle to overcome these issues, I truly am excited to meet this little boy! I can't wait to see his face and hold his tiny body. Those images are helping me keep pressing onward!

Psalms 23:4

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for THOU ART WITH ME. Thy rod and thy staff, they COMFORT me.

Waiting on God's perfect timing

I am a pretty patient person for the most part but pregnancy really tests me. When I was pregnant with Ella I was crawling out of my skin with anticipation! I couldn't wait to get my hands on her! When I was pregnant with Daisy I was very patient. I cherished that pregnancy and savored every little moment...well most moments anyway!  I have been pretty patient with this pregnancy also BUT I am so over it now. I love feeling his little wiggles but if I'm being honest, I want him to wiggle outside of the womb. I want to see his face and kiss his toes. I want to soothe his cries and witness his first giggles. I have been waiting a long time for a baby after all.

 I wanted to begin trying to have a baby back in 2012 but the timing wasn't right. Then when we did begin trying in 2013, it took awhile for us to finally conceive our precious Daisy. Alas, we did not get to bring her home despite 8 months of pregnancy. I have been anticipating a baby for 2 years! I have 3-4 weeks left of pregnancy (or less if he so chooses.) It seems like an eternity to me at the moment. I know I will look back on this in a month and it will feel very differently but gosh, I want my baby! 

If I learned anything from my daughter's death, though, it is that God has His own plans for me and my family. I am trying very hard to get through this impatience with prayer. Lots and lots of it! I need to trust that God will bring this baby into my life at just the right moment. 

Ella is starting school this year and she has Meet the Teacher on the 21st. She begins school on the 24th and I am due on the 26th. I am just so worried that I won't be able to be there for those special moments. We have lots of support so I know getting her to those events is no problem but I desperately want to be there too. She is very nervous about starting school and I want to hold her hand and hug her tight and support her through this difficult (but exciting) time in her life. I don't want her to feel as though I am choosing her brother over her. I have been praying about this so much. I just want to be the best mom I can be to all of my children!

A letter to Daisy on her birthday

Dear Daisy,

Happy first birthday to my beautiful baby girl! I cannot help but imagine what you would be like if you were here today. I imagine you toddling around, chasing after Ella, giggling and showing off a few new teeth. 

I am so happy for you that you are spending this birthday and all of your birthdays to come with Jesus! You are so blessed to have never known any of the pain, sadness, or sickness of this world. You left this world safe and warm and loved, tucked inside my womb.

 For me though, I am sad that you aren't here! Today started out rough for me. I couldn't sleep and so I got up at 5am and sat on the porch awaiting the sunrise. My tears streamed silently for you. Later my sobs became uncontrollable and gut wrenching. I am so HURT that you are gone. I feel an emptiness inside of my heart where you should be. 

When Ella woke up I was reminded that we had plans to celebrate you today, Daisy, not mourn you. We went to the cemetery and Ella gave you a very cute heart shaped wreath with some beautiful roses and a teddy bear attached. She is so proud to be your big sister, even though you're not here with us. She loves you and misses you so much! Daddy and I gave you some pink daisies and some birthday balloons. We are so blessed to be your parents. We came home and made you a cake and some homemade ice cream. All three of us pitched in. 

We wish so badly that you could be here to have cake with us. I wish I was throwing you a big birthday bash! We would have had so much fun. No matter how hard I try to make this day special and happy, it has a sad undertone and it always will. 

I love you, Daisy, and I am excited to hug you and squeeze you one day in heaven! 

Love, Mommy